


For Your Life

by Nikolaus_Chaser



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Bottom!Cas, Dean and Cas fall in love, Drug Abuse, Graphic depictions of violence - Freeform, Gun Violence, Hair Dye, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, If your NOTP is Balthazar don't read this, Loan Sharks, M/M, Masturbation, Past Drug Use, True Love, handjobs, mafia, past alcoholism, top!Balthazar, top!dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-02-14 14:10:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 43,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2194737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikolaus_Chaser/pseuds/Nikolaus_Chaser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In 1983 it wasn't uncommon for people to indulge in a little recreational drug use, especially in big cities like Chicago.  But when Gabriel Novak discovered that his estranged little brother, Castiel, was hooked on Heroin and Ketamine, he promptly checked him into the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago.  There, he would be able to recover from his addiction and forge lifelong friendships in the process.</p><p>But after his release from the rehab center, Castiel may not be able to function in the real world.  Will he soon find himself hanging out with the wrong crowd once again?  And could his actions have a detrimental impact on his new life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. For Your Life

Oh, I can have you, baby, but I don't know what to do, yeah  
Sometime, baby, nothin' I could do  
On the balance of a crystal, payin' through the nose  
And when they couldn't resist you, I thought you'd go with the flow.

And now your stage is empty, bring down the curtain, baby please.  
Fold up your show  
Hadn't planned to, could not stand to fry in it  
Hadn't planned it, I over-ran it, (fryin)  
For your life, for your life.

-Led Zeppelin, "For Your Life"


	2. Unfamiliar Surroundings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel brings a reluctant Castiel to his new home, where he meets several new friends.

"Come on, little brother. Let's go." Gabriel smiled at his younger brother, Castiel, as he led him down the sidewalk towards the looming brick building in front of them. Large metal letters engraved above the door read 'Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago'. Castiel let out a huffy breath, rolling his eyes and walking beside his brother.

"I really don't want to do this, Gabe." He grumbled, raking a hand through his messy black hair and glaring at his older brother. Gabriel smiled sadly.

"I know, Castiel. You would rather be at Lúc's right now, overdosing on Ketamine and Heroin." 

Castiel let out a snort at his brother's words, looking away from him. "It'd be better than being stuck here with you." He snapped. Gabriel sighed and slung his arm over Castiel's shoulder as they approached the large Rehab Center.

"Come on, Castiel. This is going to be good for you. You're going to get better." 

"That's what you think. I bet these programs don't even work."

Gabriel sighed. "I beg to differ. But we'll see." He released his younger brother, pulling the front door of the building open and ushering Castiel inside. Castiel glared at his brother but complied with his wishes, shuffling after Gabriel into the pristine facility. While on the outside the Rehab Center looked old and dingy, on the inside everything was shiny and it smelled like bleach. Castiel found himself scrunching his nose up in disgust as Gabriel led him to the front desk of the building.

"Hey sweetie, how can I help you?" A bright looking young girl at the front desk smiled up at Gabriel. Gabriel smiled right back at her, gesturing towards his younger brother.

"Cassie here would like to check in to this facility."

"No I don't." Castiel snapped, turning to leave. Gabriel reached out and grabbed Castiel's arm, dragging him back towards the desk. He huffed and rolled his eyes, looking anywhere but at his brother. The nurse smiled sweetly at Castiel.

"Hey, I'm Tessa. What's your name?"

Castiel was silent for a few moments, glaring at the nurse. Finally he spoke. "My name is Castiel."

"Okay Castiel, we're going to help you out, alright? I just need you to cooperate. I'm going to give you some forms to fill out, okay?"

"Whatever." Castiel mumbled, staring at his feet. Gabriel wrapped an arm around him again, smiling at him. Castiel sighed and looked away, jaw clenched in anger and frustration. 

Tessa handed Castiel a stack of papers and directed him to a sitting area a few feet away. He shuffled over to it and sat down in one of the comfortable chairs, flipping through the sheets. Sighing deeply, he began to fill out the papers. Gabriel sat beside him the whole time, flipping through some of the magazines in the waiting area disinterestedly and occasionally checking in on his brother' progress with the forms. It took nearly a half an hour for Castiel to fill them all out thoroughly, and by that time Gabriel was bored out of his gourd. 

He hopped out of his seat when Castiel stood up, smiling at him.

"You ready?" 

"Sure." Castiel shrugged, handing the forms to his brother. Gabriel grabbed Castiel by the arm and led him to the desk, handing the papers to Tessa.

"All done." He announced, smiling proudly at his brother. Castiel rolled his eyes, looking away from Gabriel and Tessa.

"Good. Now we can get you a room and have everything sorted out for you. A nurse is going to lead you to the hospital wing now so you can undergo your physical."

"Okay, good. Whatever." Castiel said, looking around for the nurse Tessa had mentioned. Soon enough another young woman arrived, this time a girl with long, dyed blonde hair and a full face. She smirked when she saw Castiel, and the expression on her face made Castiel slightly nervous.

"Well hello, Angelface." She purred as she approached Castiel. The young man swallowed nervously, looking away from the nurse. Tessa cleared her throat, glaring at the nurse.

"Meg, this is Castiel. He needs you to escort him to the hospital wing."

"Of course." She said, her eyes never leaving Castiel. Castiel didn't know why he found this intimidating, but he did, and he found himself looking to his older brother for guidance. Gabriel smiled and pay Castiel on the back.

"You go with her, Castiel. I'll swing by to visit you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay." Castiel whispered, looking down again. Suddenly Gabriel scooped him up in a hug, sighing.

"You can do this, Castiel. Be strong." He whispered. He then released his little brother, waving to him as he walked away. Castiel sighed, watching him go before turning and following Meg down a long, pristine hallway. As they walked, she began to speak.

"Don't worry Angelface, things are pretty nice here. And by the way, don't even think about trying any shit with me. I can and will kick your ass six ways to Sunday if you do."

Castiel couldn't help but chuckle. "Of course." He replied. Meg smiled.

"I like you, Castiel. You're pretty."

Castiel raised an eyebrow. "Is that a flirtation?"

Meg snorted, laughing and shaking her head. "No, Angelface, just a fact. I don't flirt with patients."

"Okay." Castiel murmured, following Meg as she turned down another hallway. The nurse frowned slightly, looking at Castiel curiously.

"Why so quiet?"

"I don't exactly want to be here." He mumbled. Meg smiled wryly.

"Most people don't. But you'll get used to it." 

Castiel's nose scrunched up. "Hopefully not. This place... It's creepy."

"Creepy? Why do you thinks it's creepy?" She asked, and then she leaned in and whispered with a slight smirk, "is it the nurses?" 

Castiel's lips twitched and he shook his head at Meg. "No, it's not the nurses. It's just... It so clean here."

Meg chuckled. "Ah, I feel you there. Sometimes you need to make a little mess for it to feel like home." 

Castiel was silent after that, following Meg for a few more minutes before they reached the end of the long hallway. There, there were two large swinging doors, above while the words 'Adam H. Faustino Hospital Wing'. Castiel looked up at the letters as he followed Meg through the double doors, suddenly growing nervous. Meg glanced at him, raising an eyebrow.

"You okay Castiel? You're shaking."

"I'm fine. Just kind of nervous." 

"It'll be okay." She smiled at him encouragingly, leading him into a small room and gesturing for him to sit down on the exam table. "The doctor will be here in a few minutes. I'll stay here until he comes."

"You don't trust me?" Castiel asked quietly. Meg smiled wryly, shaking her head.

"Would you?"

"No." Castiel said quietly. Meg frowned slightly at how defeated Castiel looked, and she fell silent.

Within a few minutes the doctor arrived, and Meg left. The door closed and Castiel glanced at his doctor nervously, biting his lip. The man smiled softly at him, slipping his gloves on.

"Hello Castiel. I'm Doctor Milton, but you can call me Zach if you want to. How do you feel today?"

"Fine, I guess." Castiel mumbled. The doctor walked over to Castiel, gesturing for him to remove his shirt. Castiel complied, pulling his cruddy tee shirt off and placing it beside him on the table. The doctor placed his stethoscope on Castiel's chest, listening to his heartbeat. He then moved the scope to Castiel's back.

"Breath." He instructed. Castiel obeyed, taking a deep breath and holding it for a few seconds before he let it out. He did this several time for the doctor, his knuckles turning white as he held onto the table. Doctor Milton noticed this and frowned.

"Relax, Castiel. Nothing bad is going to happen to you now."

"That's what people say right before bad things happen." Castiel replied. The doctor smiled softly at Castiel and gestured for him to stand up.

"Things will be different here, Castiel. Trust me. You're safe here." 

Castiel narrowed his eyes at the doctor, looking at him closely. He cleared his throat awkwardly, pointing his finger at Castiel's pants.

"Remove your trousers please."

Castiel obliged, and the next thing he knew the doctor had a hand down his pants and was telling him to cough. It was over quickly though, and then the doctor was scribbling some notes on a clip board. He smiled softly at Castiel.

"Almost done. I just need a blood sample and a urine sample from you now."

The doctor opened up a drawer and pulled out a syringe, and Castiel found himself salivating at the mere sight of it. He stuck his arm out to the doctor all too willingly, sighing as he felt the needle break his skin. Even though it wasn't injecting any drugs into his veins, the familiar feeling of a needle piercing his skin soothed him somewhat. The doctor raised an eyebrow.

"You do know I'm not injecting you with anything, right?"

"I'm aware." Castiel said, his eyes closed. "It just feels good."

The doctor was silent for a few moments before speaking. "What's your poison?"

"Heroin." Castiel said after a few seconds. "But I do other stuff too." 

"Did." Doctor Milton corrected with a wry smile. "You _did_ other stuff too."

"Yeah... Right. I did other stuff too." Castiel murmured, refraining from rolling his eyes. The doctor finished drawing Castiel's blood, removing the vial from the syringe and placing it into a special contraption on the counter. He then turned to hand Castiel a plastic cup.

"You go pee in this and bring it back to me."

"Okay." Castiel murmured, taking the cup from the doctor and rushing off towards the bathroom, which was connected to the exam room. He peed into it quickly and made his way back to the room, handing the cup to the doctor and looking away. 

Dr. Milton smiled and checked a couple things off on his chart before looking back up at Castiel.

"You're all done, Mr. Novak. I'll call a nurse and she'll lead you to the common area so you can meet some of your fellow patients."

"Okay." Castiel mumbled, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. The doctor picked up the phone that was hanging on the wall and dialed several extensions before speaking into the receiver. But Castiel didn't pay attention- he was too lost in his own thoughts to really care what was happening around him.

The nurse Meg came back to get Castiel, leading him through the halls towards the common area. When he got there he saw it was set up like a large living room. There was a TV buzzing in one corner, surrounded by couches. Several checkers boards were set up on a table against the wall, and a bookcase was pressed against the opposite wall. 

Castiel felt out of place in the room. It didn't feel like home; it felt like it was trying too hard to be home, and it felt wrong. He sat down on the corner seat of one of the couches, slumping down and looking around disinterestedly.

He sat there for about ten minutes before suddenly someone was standing in front of him, clearing his throat. Castiel looked up to see a very handsome man standing in front of him. His brown hair glimmered in the dim light of the common area, revealing natural honey colored highlights in his combed back hair. He had candy-apple green eyes that sparkles brightly, twinkling with emotion. His lips were pale pink and full, pursed in the most adorable pout that Castiel had ever seen. Just looking at this man seemed to make Castiel’s blood pressure escalate, and he tapped his fingers nervously against his legs.

"Yeah?" Castiel managed. The man smiled, extending a hand.

"You must be new here, 'cause I haven't seen you around before. What's your name?" His voice was deep and husky, and if anything it made Castiel even more flustered than he already was.

"I’m Castiel… Castiel Novak." He said softly, taking the man's hand and shaking it wearily. "And you?"

"My name is Dean Winchester." The man said, and his smile was big enough to light up the room. And Castiel didn't know why, but he soon found himself smiling too.


	3. New Roommates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Castiel gets settled into his new home and meets his roommate, Balthazar.

Castiel couldn't stop smiling at the Green Eyed God standing before him. "It's nice to meet you, Dean Winchester."

"Please, it's my pleasure." Dean said, sitting down beside Castiel on the couch. He smiled at him, rubbing a hand through his hair before speaking again. "So... You seem like a fully functioning human being- unlike some of these other jerks," Dean waved a hand around the common room, "so my question is, why are you here?"

Castiel frowned slightly. "That's not really any of your business, no offense." He responded. Dean smirked, licking his lips.

"I guess it isn't, but I'm asking anyway."

"Yeah, well, I'm not going to answer you." Castiel snapped back, looking at Dean challengingly. The man continued to smirk at Cas, his eyes twinkling.

"I'll proposition you. How about I tell you what I'm here for, and then you tell me why you're here."

"I don't get why you care so much." Castiel mumbled, frowning. Dean shrugged.

"I guess I'm just naturally curious. I'm an Aquarius, you know." 

"I doubt your Zodiac sign excuses you from your social misconduct," Castiel mumbled, frowning. Dean grinned at him, and for a moment he honestly resembled a fox.

"Whatever, man. Do we have a deal?" He raised an eyebrow. Castiel shrugged.

"Whatever. Maybe."

"Maybe is good enough for me." Dean said, and he was smirking at Castiel again. "I'm a recovering alcoholic. I come here every day to check in and hang out for a few hours. I've been sober for about two and a half years."

Castiel nodded, smiling slightly at Dean. "That's really good... Good for you, man."

Dean nodded, smiling to himself for a good minute before nudging Castiel on the shoulder. "Okay, spill it."

"Sorry, you have to be a level four friend to unlock my tragic backstory." Castiel smirked at Dean, who groaned.

"That's not fair, man. I told you my story."

"Well, you're a story-sharing-whore." Castiel responded easily. Dean's eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly recovered, grinning at Castiel.

"I like you, Castiel." He said. Castiel couldn't help but blush, looking down at his lap. 

"Thanks..." Castiel mumbled. Dean smiled softly.

"Maybe someday you and I could work up to be level four friends, eh?" He said, nudging Castiel's shoulder again as he stood up. Castiel looked up at him, his lips twitching.

"Yeah, maybe."

"I'll see you around, Cas." Dean said, slapping the man on the back as he walked away. And Castiel couldn't help but smile to himself once the man had left, because Dean had called him _Cas_. He had given him a nickname.

Nobody (besides Gabriel) had _ever_ given him a nickname before.

Perhaps Castiel lingered on that little fact for a bit too long, but he couldn't help it. Castiel had never been one to make friends, and he had especially never kept a friend long enough for them to give him a nickname. And now, within five minutes of meeting him, this Dean guy had called him Cas.

And so Cas began to think that he might just take Dean up on that offer to become level four friends after all.

Dinner was served about an hour later. Castiel sat alone at a table in the corner of the cafeteria, picking at his over cooked turkey and tasteless mashed potatoes. It wasn't long before someone sat at the table with him, and he looked up y see the nurse Meg smiling at him. He smiled weakly back at her.

"Hey Castiel. How you feelin'?"

"Okay, I guess. What are you doing here?"

"The nurses and doctors all eat meals with the patients." Meg said, smiling softly at Cas. "But most of the nurses here don't like me much, so I usually eat alone." 

"Why wouldn't they like you?" Castiel raised an eyebrow. Meg shrugged.

"They claim that I'm too sarcastic and awfully crude." She rolled her eyes. "But it's 1983, not 1943. The way I see it, we shouldn't have to censor ourselves."

"I like the way you think, Nurse Meg." Castiel said, his lips twitching as he picked at his food. Meg frowned and pulled a Heath bar from the pocket of her white pants, handing it to Cas. He looked up at her curiously and she shrugged, smiling a little.

"You look pretty hungry, and I know that the food here can take a little getting used to." She said simply. Cas took the candy from Meg, smiling softy at her.

"Thank you." He said quietly, opening up the candy wrapper and taking a big bite of chocolate. Meg chuckled at him as he downed the entire bar in a matter of seconds. 

After dinner Castiel was shown to his room. It was only as he sat down on his squeaky bed that he realized he didn't have any of his personal effects. He told this to the male nurse who was showing him to his bedroom, and the man shrugged.

"You can have someone bring you your stuff from home tomorrow, I guess. For now, you'll have to ask politely that your room mate share some clothes with you."

"Roommate?" Castiel asked, growing nervous at the concept of having a roommate.

"Yeah. His name is Balthazar, or something like that. He should get here shortly."

"Oh. Okay." Cas said quietly, looking down at his lap. The nurse left and Cas busied himself with making his bed. It was a few minutes later that Cas heard the door open and close, and a young English man stepped into the room.

"Bloody fucking nurses confiscated my gin. Said I can't mix my meds with alcohol. Can you imagine?" The man, who had blonde hair, scowled and fling himself on to his bed. Cas stared at him wide eyed, unsure of what to say.

"You must be Balthazar." He finally managed. The man looked up at Cas and nodded.

"That I am. What's your name? I'm assuming you're my new roommate."

"I am. And my name is Castiel."

"That's an odd name, mate." Balthazar said, lying back on his bed. Cas raised an eyebrow.

"You're one to talk." He retorted. Balthazar frowned.

"What's wrong with my name?"

Cas gave the blonde man an odd look before shaking his head and looking away. Balthazar sat up, swinging his feet over the side of his bed and looking at Cas.

"Say, you don't happen to have a pack of smokes on ya, would you? Those bloody nurses confiscated mine last week."

"Sorry, I don't have any. My brother took them away when he found out I was doing drugs."

"That sucks." Balthazar said, flipping back down on his bed and sighing. "I'm really hankering for a cigarette right about now."

"Get some chewing gum then. That might help."

"Nah, mate. It won't help. I just need some good old fashioned Marlboro."

Cas sighed and laid back in his bed, staring at the ceiling. "Sorry, I can't help you there."

Balthazar was silent for a while before he looked over at Cas and spoke.

"You going to bed?"

"Are you?"

"No." Balthazar answered. "I can't sleep 'till I have a cigarette."

"You're going to be awake all night then." Cas responded.

Balthazar shrugged. "I don't know about that," he said, climbing out of bed and going to the door. He glanced back at Cas expectantly.

"Are you coming or what?"

Cas slipped out of bed and followed Balthazar, figuring he had nothing to lose, and he couldn't get to sleep anyway. Balthazar opened up the door to their room and slipped out into the hallway, followed closely by Castiel.

"I heard talk that Hester has some cigarettes hidden in her room." Balthazar whispered. "She bunks one floor above us. Come on." 

Balthazar crept along the wall towards the staircase at the end if the hallway, peeking around the bend to make sure no nurses or guards were coming before darting through the door. Cas followed quickly, his heart pounding in his chest.

"What happens if they catch us?" Cas whispered. Balthazar licked his lips, shaking his head at Cas.

"I heard that they take you down to the hospital ward and hook you up in this machine... And then they attach these wires to you... And they shock you until you promise not to sneak around anymore."

Castiel's eyes widened and he gaped at Balthazar. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah. Well, I actually don't know. I've never been caught before." He said, smirking at Castiel. Cas frowned.

"Okay... Do you know anyone who has ever been caught?" Cas asked nervously.

"Well... No. But I've been here for almost a year now. I know my stuff. Now shush up or you'll get us caught." Balthazar whispered. Cas fell silent after that, following his roommate up the stairs. They reached the second floor quickly and Balthazar darted down the hallway, stopping in front of the third room down the hall and tapping softly on the door six times.

After a few moments the door creaked open, and a young girl with stringy blonde hair and big brown eyes opened the door.

"Balthazar?" She whispered timidly.

"Of course, my dear. Will you let me in?"

"What do you want? Who's with you?" She asked, peaking at Castiel suspiciously. He smiled softly at her, but she didn't return the gesture.

"His name is Castiel. He's my new roommate. Now won't you let us in?"

"No. What happened to your old roommate? Bartholomew?"

"You know what happened, hester. He strung himself up on the rafters last month. Now won't you let us _in_? We're going to get caught." He hissed.

Ester gasped, her eyes filling with tears. "Bartholomew is _dead_? What a _tragedy_!"

"Ester, this is old news. You've known about Bartholomew for weeks."

"But- oh, Balthazar, it's just horrible! Why would he do such a thing?" She asked, stepping forward and grabbing at his shirt. Balthazar frowned.

"I don't know. Look, do you have any cigarettes? I really need one right now."

"Oh Zar, how could you even think about smoking at a time like this? Bartholomew is dead! He's dead!" At that she burst into tears, slamming her door shut in Balthazar's face. The English man groaned, knocking on the door again.

Hester, please. Let us in." Balthazar called. The only response he got was a series of loud wails. He sighed, turning back to Castiel.

"Come on, we better go. Soon she'll start screaming and surely we'll be caught."

Cas followed after Balthazar down the hallway, but he was confused when Balthazar started to go another floor up rather than heading back down to their room.

"Where are you going?" He hissed. Balthazar looked back at Castiel and grinned.

"My friend Samandriel might have some smokes. You can go back to our room if you want... But I'm going to go get my cigarettes." He said, turning to walk up the stairs. Castiel decided to follow him, darting up the stairs after his roommate. 

Balthazar and Castiel made their way up the next flight of stairs, rushing to the end of the hallway. Balthazar knocked on the door and a young man with short brown hair answered, smiling when he saw the English man.

"Hey Zar, it's good to see you. What's up? And who is this?" He asked, smiling over at Castiel.

"This is my new roommate, Castiel."

"Hey Castiel, it's nice to meet you." Samandriel stuck out his hand to Cas, who took it and shook it.

"Nice to meet you too... I guess." Cas said softly. Samandriel smiled at him.

"I'm Samandriel, but you can call me Sam." He said. Cas was about to respond when Balthazar cleared his throat.

"Okay, Sam, it's great that you and Castiel are friends, but I need a favor."

"Yeah buddy?" Samandriel looked up at Balthazar.

"You got any cigarettes? I'm dying for one. I can't sleep."

"Oh, of course. Come on in before someone catches you two out there." Samandriel said, opening his door a little wider and letting the two men in. Balthazar glanced around the small room, pointing towards the bed on the left side of the room, which was occupied.

"Is Adam awake?"

"No. His girlfriend showed up today to visit him... Needless to say, he's tuckered out."

"Lucky bastard." Balthazar said, smirking. He then turned to Cas. "Have you got a girlfriend, Castiel?"

"Um... No. That's not really my area." Castiel said softly. 

"Oh. You got a boyfriend then?"

"Err... No. I don't." Cas mumbled. Balthazar nodded.

"Okay, cool. Me neither." Balthazar said, and then he turned back to Samandriel, who was holding out a pack of cigarettes to him. Balthazar took one, and then Samandriel turned to offer Cas one. He took it without a second thought, thanking the young man.

"Truly, Sam. You're a life saver. I could kiss you." Balthazar said to Samandriel. The boy frowned.

"Please don't."

Balthazar chuckled and slapped his friend on the back, turning to the door and opening it. Cas thanked Samandriel once more before following Balthazar into the hallway. They snuck back to their room undetected, and Balthazar dug out his lighter once they got back. He lit his cigarette, sighing and laying back on his bed as he took a long drag from the small white stick. He tossed the lighter to Cas, who did the same as he had, smiling as he pressed the cigarette to his lips.

"Thank God." Balthazar breathed, puffs of smoke escaping his mouth as he spoke. Cas smiled over at him from his bed, blowing big rings of smoke out of his mouth.

"You know, I think I'm starting to like this place." Cas said thoughtfully. Balthazar grinned and laughed.

"Really? That's good. Most people hate it here."

"Did Bartholomew hate it here?" Cas asked quietly. Balthazar didn't repairs for a while, taking long drags from his cigarette rather than answering Castiel's question. Finally, he cleared his throat.

"Bartholomew was messed up from the get-go, Castiel. He came here for the first time when he was 15, and he was a repeat visitor ever since. He had a tumor of the brain, or something along those lines... All he did was smoke all day. 

"It changed the way he thought. He got checked in about six months ago by his aunt, but he was miserable. You could tell just by looking at him that he wanted to die. Well... He got his wish. Hung himself right there." Balthazar pointed to the rafters above Castiel's bed, sighing. 

"I woke up and there he was, dead as a door nail. I nearly had a heart attack- I thought I was tripping. But then I remembered that I've been clean for ten bloody months, and I called for the nurses. They pronounced him dead on the spot."

"Wow." Castiel breathed, because it was the only thing he could think I say. He brought his cigarette back to his lips, taking a long drag from it and sighing. 

The two sat quietly for nearly an hour, smoking until their cigarettes were burned out. They talked about lots of things, from their addictions to their past relationships, to their siblings to their plans for the future. When both of their cigarettes were all used up, Balthazar pulled out a small ceramic dish from the bottom drawer of his dresser, crushing his out and then handing the dish to Cas. He did the same, handing the bowl back to Balthazar and getting out of bed to turn the light out.

"Goodnight, Cas." Balthazar said, tucking himself in and turning over. Cas smiled and slipped into bed, pulling his blankets close.

"Night, Zar." He said softly, and he drifted off to sleep, a smile on his face.


	4. Casual Encounters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Castiel goes through withdrawals and has a little fun with his roommate.
> 
> If Balthazar/Castiel is your NOTP, I suggest you skip this chapter.

As the weeks went by, Cas began to settle in comfortably at the rehab facility. He became best friends with his roommate Balthazar. They did almost everything together, and they knew everything about each other- well, mostly everything. Castiel forged some friendships with other patients as well, getting along with mostly everybody who he met at the rehab center.

He especially bonded with Dean Winchester, who he talked with everyday about everything- from books (none of which Dean had read) to movies (none of which Cas had seen) to their families and on to their addictions. They were kindred spirits and they understood each other, and this was the basis of their seemingly profound friendship.

The nurses and doctors took kindly to Castiel, but he was most favored by the nurse Meg. Even when he went through his withdrawals and he was irritable to everyone, Meg would still volunteer to walk with him and take him to his doctor’s appointments.

One day, three months after his arrival at the rehab center, Castiel was having an especially bad day. He sat in the Hospital Ward, his body shaking as he ran a hand through his messy hair. He looked up at Meg from the exam table he sat on, his sunken eyes wide and his pupils blown.

"Please, Meg… Let me go. Let me go home." He whimpered. Meg was silent, a sad look on her face. Castiel hopped up off of the table, walking over to the door and trying to get past Meg.

"I want to go! I want to go home, Meg! I’m sick of this place! I’m sick of the food, the people... The fucking sobriety! It’s too much, it’s too much…"

"Sit back down, Castiel." Meg said softly, touching his arm. Castiel shook his head and pulled away from Meg, whimpering.

"No, please… I want to leave. I just want to go…" He began to cry, his whole body shaking as he sobbed. Meg held him around the shoulders and led him back to the exam table, sitting him down just as the doctor came in.

He calmed down and stopped crying as soon as he got his dose of methadone.

That night, Castiel lay on his bed reading one of the many books that his brother had so kindly brought to him when the door opened and Balthazar rushed in, grinning like a mad man. Cas dropped him book and looked up at his friend curiously as he grabbed a bowl and some shampoo from under his bed, pulling a bottle of peroxide from under his shirt.

"What is that, Zar?"

"Hydrogen peroxide." He said, smiling over at Cas. "I snatched it from the Hospital Ward on my out."

"Why? You do know you can’t get high from that stuff, right?"

"I know, mate." He grinned, walking over to Castiel’s bed and dropping the bowl on his pillow, pushing him back so that he was laying down. "We’re going to dye your hair."

"What?" He sat bolt upright, pushing Balthazar away. "No!"

"Quiet down, Cas. It’ll be fun."

"No it won’t… I’ll look stupid. And if you get it in my eyes I’ll go blind."

"Oh, come on!" Balthazar whined. "I stole this stuff just for you. Don’t be a Nancy, let me dye your hair."

Cas sighed and bit his lips, thinking for a minute before he nodded to Balthazar and let the man lay him back down. Balthazar mixed the peroxide with some shampoo, and as he soakedegan to soak his friend’s hair in the chemical concoction, he talked.

"I’m considering becoming a hairdresser when they finally let me out of here."

"If you keep stealing things they’ll never let you out." Cas mumbled. Balthazar shrugged.

"They can’t keep me here forever. And anyway, I want to start building up my résumé, for the future. Do you think I could list you as a reference? When I go apply for jobs at hair salons I’ll need someone to put in a good word for me. I figured, since you’re technically my first client, you’d be perfect for the position."

"Of course, Zar. I’ll tell them all about our adventures here in Never-Never Land."

"You’re the best. Oh, Cas, I can already see your hair starting to change color."

"Really? How’s it look?" Cas grinned up at his roommate.

"Marvelous. I could kiss you."

He smiled, tilting his head back so that Balthazar could continue to rinse his hair with the peroxide. “You always say that, and yet you never do it.”

 

“Hmm…” Balthazar hummed thoughtfully, smirking down at Cas. “I didn’t know you wanted me to.”

 

“It’s not that I particularly want you too- I mean, I wouldn’t object, but…”

 

“But what? I’m not pretty enough?” Balthazar asked, batting his eyelashes at his roommate. Castiel rolled his eyes.

 

“Oh, shut up.”

 

“No. Look, do you want me to kiss you or not?”

 

“I don’t know.” Cas said softly.

 

“We could have a whole roommates-with-benefits thing going on…” Balthazar laughed and Cas pushed him away, although he was grinning. Balthazar came back over to him, pouring a little more peroxide over Cas’s forehead and stroking his fingers through his dark hair. “I didn’t know you swung that way, Cas.”

 

“Only way I’ve ever swung.” Castiel admitted quietly. “But I’ve never had a… a boyfriend, or anything. I’ve never really had occasion… you dig?”

“Yeah, I dig.” Balthazar smiled a little and leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to his roommate’s lips. Castiel’s eyes widened in surprise but he was soon kissing back, his mouth opening for Balthazar’s invasive tongue as the bowl of peroxide his head was resting in flipped over and spilled all over Cas’s sheets. The man groaned, sitting up and quickly tearing the sheets off of his bed as Balthazar backed away from him, panting.

“Sorry…” Balthazar said breathily, sitting down on the edge of his own bed. Cas grinned over at him as he removed the soaked sheets from his bed, throwing them onto the floor.

“No problem. I’ll just sleep in your bed tonight.”

Now Balthazar’s eyes widened in surprise, and a slow smile crept across his face. He stood up and grabbed Castiel by the ass, bringing their lips together once again. Cas couldn’t help but moan into his roommate’s mouth, closing his eyes and tangling his hands into Balthazar’s soft blonde hair. The English man chuckled and spun Cas around, laying him down on his mattress and climbing on top of him.

“Have you done this before?” he asked as he unbuttoned Castiel’s pants. Cas shook his head, lifting his hips up so it would be easier for Balthazar to remove his jeans.

“No. Like I said, I’ve never had occasion.” He replied. Balthazar nodded, slipping Cas’s jeans off and tossing them onto the floor. He then pulled his boxers down, wrapping his fingers around Cas’s rock hard cock and squeezing. Cas whimpered and bucked his hips, throwing his head back.

Balthazar chuckled and dipped his head down, licking a stripe up the underside of Cas’s cock and humming as he did so. It took all of Cas’s self-control not to scream in please as Balthazar wrapped his lips around Castiel’s cock and began to bob up and down slowly. Cas bucked his hips, groaning at the feeling of Balthazar’s hot, wet mouth sealed around his cock. He reached down and tangled his fingers into his roommate’s hair, leisurely guiding Balthazar up and down the length of his cock.

When Castiel felt as if he was just about to burst, Balthazar pulled away. Castiel whined and bucked his hips, searching for some sort of friction. The English man chuckled again and stripped out of his clothes, leaning over Castiel to kiss him as he stroked his own rock hard cock. Cas whimpered and bucked his hips into Balthazar, grinding against the man’s thigh in a sorry attempt to get off.

“Calm down, Cas…” Balthazar whispered, kissing and sucking at the young man’s neck. Castiel sighed and closed his eyes, his hips still moving back and forth as Balthazar left hickeys all over Cas’s neck. Eventually, though, the anticipation became too much, and Castiel grabbed Balthazar by the hair and growled at him.

“I need you to fuck me, right now.” He hissed. Balthazar’s eyes widened in surprise at Cas’s assertiveness, but he didn’t need to be told twice, and he quickly leaned over Cas to grab a condom from the top drawer of his dresser. He rolled it over his hard cock before positioning himself at Castiel’s entrance, holding on to the young man’s hips.

“It’s going to hurt, you know.” He whispered. Castiel nodded, biting his lips nervously.

“I’m aware. Just… go slow. Okay?”

“Okay.” Balthazar said, leaning down to kiss Castiel as he slowly pushed into him. Cas grimaced at the feeling of Balthazar pushing into him, his hole being stretched by Balthazar’s big cock. Once the head of his cock was inside of Cas, Balthazar stopped and looked down at his roommate.

“You good?”

“Yeah… I’m fine.” Cas breathed. Balthazar nodded and began to push in some more.

“Jesus Christ, Castiel… You’re so tight.”

Cas whimpered in response and Balthazar leaned down to kiss him, trying to distract his friend from the pain. It took a while, but eventually Balthazar was all the way in, and he waited for Castiel to tell him it was alright for him to move.

After several minutes of rocking back and forth against each other, Balthazar’s small bed creaking with every thrust, Castiel felt it. Balthazar hit a certain spot inside of him and a spark ignited somewhere deep in his stomach. He moaned loudly, throwing his head back.

“Do that again.” He groaned. Balthazar chuckled and obliged, angling his thrusts so that he would hit Castiel in the same spot over and over again. Cas could feel his cock pulse with every thrust, and it was hard to contain his loud moans. He moved his hand down his body and began to stroke himself, his cock slick with precome.

Eventually Balthazar’s thrusts became erratic, and it wasn’t hard for Castiel to tell that his friend was close. The thought of Balthazar coming inside of him made Castiel moan, and he started to stroke himself faster, swiping a finger over his head and pressing down on the slit of his cock. Precome oozed out and Castiel moaned, closing his eyes and imagining what it would look like when Balthazar came.

“Bloody hell, Cas… You look so fucking hot right now…” Balthazar groaned, stilling inside of Castiel and cumming into the condom. He let out a loud moan as he did so, and that is what set Castiel off, his cum spewing out of his cock and all over his shirt. He flopped back onto the mattress, spent, and Balthazar followed, landing on top of him. Cas sighed and brought a hand up to stroke Balthazar’s sweaty hair.

“Cas?” Balthazar murmured after a few minutes. 

Cas hummed in response. “Yeah?”

“I don’t love you.” He admitted. Castile chuckled, smiling up at Balthazar.

“Good, because I don’t love you either.”

Balthazar smiled and slowly pulled out of Cas, who hissed in pain at the feeling of being empty. After throwing away his condom, Balthazar laid down beside Cas, pulling the blankets over them and turning to look at Cas.

“So, we’re just friends then?” He asked. Castile nodded.

“Yeah, just friends.”

Balthazar smiled and nodded, rolling over and closing his eyes. “Okay. Goodnight, Cas.”

“Night, Zar.”


	5. A Sponsor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's friends react to his new hair, and he asks Dean an important question.

Surprisingly, things weren’t awkward between Balthazar and Cas after that night. As always, Balthazar was cool and easy going. Cas was just the same, and their friendship thrived as it always had.

Castiel’s fellow patients loved his new hair. Balthazar made sure to brag to anyone who would listen that he had dyed it for Cas. As they sat down to breakfast the morning after, all of their friends swarmed around them.

"You’re hair is absolutely beautiful, Castiel!" Hester gasped, stroking her fingers through his messy hair. He blushed as Samandriel nodded at him.

"You look like a movie star."

"More like a bloody porn star." Balthazar murmured, smirking at Cas. Luckily only Cas could hear, but the blush on his face was evidence enough that Balthazar had said something unsavory.

"Dude, I dig your hair. It’s fucking rad." A friend of Cas’s named Ash sat down across from him. He grinned, flipping his own long hair behind his shoulders. "Do you think I should dye mine?"

"Sure. Balthazar could do it for you… He’s gonna be a hairdresser when he gets out of here."

"Is he?" A young girl with black hair walked over, looking at Balthazar skeptically. Castiel nodded up at her, grinning.

"Oh yeah. He’s the one who dyed my hair."

"I see." She said, still looking at Balthazar. "Is it customary for you to give your clients hickeys when you do their hair?"

"I don’t know, Ruby. If you come a little closer you might find out." Balthazar said, making kissy faces at the girl. She rolled her eyes, looking down at a rather crimson Cas.

"I like your hair, despite the fact that it was dyed by a jackass. Blonde is a good color on you."

"You should dye it red." Samandriel’s young roommate, Adam, grinned at Cas.

He chuckled, shaking his head. “I don’t think so. Blonde is as far as I’ll go.”

"But you would look so sexy as a ginger!" Hester gasped, still stroking his hair. Castiel blushed again, looking down at his food. He wasn’t used to all of this attention, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

Sensing his friend’s discomfort, Balthazar cleared his throat. “Okay guys, enough fawning over Cas’s hair. It isn’t that pretty.”

Castiel shot him a small smile, and Bakthazar gave him a lopsided grin, winking at his roommate as everyone settled down to eat their breakfasts.

The doctors and nurses had a fit when they saw Castiel with blonde hair. They conducted an investigation as to how Cas could have possibly dyed his hair, raiding his and Balthazar’s bedroom and confiscating basically everything Balthazar owned. As it turned out, he had been stealing from the rehab center since the day he had arrived there.

"Now I have to start my collection up again." He grumbled to Cas after the nurses had confiscated his box of matches and knives, as well as the bottle of whiskey he had stashed under his bed.

The best reaction to his new hair, however, was Dean Winchester’s. When he saw Castiel’s new hair he did a double take before walking over to him and slapping him on the back.

"Man, what did you do to your hair?" He gasped. Cas shrugged, smiling at his friend.

"Balthazar dyed it for me. You like it?"

"It’s fresh, man. I like it." He said, reaching out to pull at Cas’s hair. After a few moments, Dean smirked at him. "How much trouble did you get in for dying it?"

"Our room got raided. Basically everything Balthazar owned got confiscated."

"Worth it." Dean grinned, licking his lips. Castiel chuckled, nodding.

"Totally."

—-

Two months later, Castiel was in a therapy session with his doctor, Victor Henrikson, when he got the best news he had gotten in a long time.

"So, Castiel, after reviewing your latest test results and psychological tests, I think it’s safe to say you are ready to go back into the real world."

"Really?" Castiel grinned at his doctor. The black man nodded.

"Yes… There’s just one step left to your recovery process before we can release you. You’ll need to get yourself a sponsor."

"A sponsor?" Cas raised an eyebrow. Dr. Henrikson nodded.

"Yes, someone to help you through your recovery… Preferably someone who has been through the program the self. And it cannot be a family member."

"Okay." Cas nodded. Henrikson smiled at him, patting his shoulder.

"I have great confidence in your ability to recover, Castiel. You aren’t like some of the other patients here… I believe you have full potential to get better and learn to function in the real world again."

"Thank you, Dr. Henrikson. And thank you for this opportunity." He stood up, talking his doctor’s hand and shaking it. "I promise I won’t let you down. Now… May I go call my brother? He will be thrilled with this news."

"Of course." Henrikson smiled and Castiel left, going to the common area and walking over to the table where the nurses Were stationed. He smiled at the nurse who was sitting there, Tessa.

"Excuse me, can I please use the phone? I need to call my brother."

"Of course, sweetie." Tessa stood up and led Castiel over to the wall, unlocking the phone and handing it to him.

Castiel dialed his brother’s number, waiting for him to pick up. It only took Gabriel three rings to pick up.

"Yeah? Hello?" He said, and it was obvious he was eating something. Castiel grinned into the receiver.

"Hey Gabriel."

"Hey Cassie. Everything alright?"

"Everything is great. Splendid, actually… I’ve got the best news."

"Yeah? What’s up?" He asked.

"They’re gonna release me, Gabe. The doctor says I’m all better… I’ve just got to get a sponsor, and then I can check out."

"That’s terrific, Cas. So what, you want me to be your sponsor?"

"It can’t be a family member. I’ve got to find someone who already went through the program and ask them to be my sponsor."

"Okay. So who are you gonna ask?"

"I’ve got someone in mind." Castiel said, thinking. Gabriel hummed through the receiver.

"Okay. God, Cas, I’m so proud of you. Do you want me to come by later? I’ll bring you some burgers."

"Sure, Gabe. That sounds great." Cas answered, and he couldn’t stop smiling.

"Terrific. I’ll swing by around one."

"Okay. I’ll see you then." Cas said, and then he hung up. Still grinning, he thanked Tessa for letting him use the phone before going upstairs to his room. Balthazar was there, smoking a cigarette. When the door opened he quickly hid it behind his back, but as soon as he realized it was Cas he resumes his smoking.

"Hey Cas. I thought you were at therapy."

"I was. Henrikson dismissed me." He said, biting his lips. Balthazar sat up, looking at Cas carefully.

"Is something up?"

"I… I’m going home. They’re sending me home." He said softly, and then his face broke into a grin. Balthazar smiled and stood up, embracing his roommate in a hug.

"Good job, mate. You deserve it."

Castiel pulled back, smiling softly at Balthazar.

"What will you do here alone?"

"Well… I guess I’ll get a new roommate. Right?"

"Right." Cas said, his smile fading away. Balthazar smiled and pat Cas on the shoulder.

"I’ll be fine, Cas. Don’t worry about me."

"I’m going to miss you."

Balthazar chuckled. “I’ll miss you too… Maybe you can come to visit?”

"Of course, Zar."

"So… You gonna start packing?" Balthazar asked, gesturing towards Cas’s bed. He shook his head.

"No… I need to get a sponsor first. I’ll be here for a few days yet."

Balthazar grinned. “Good, because a buddy of mine is sneaking some scotch in for me tomorrow and I would hate to drink it alone.”

Castiel had to kiss Balthazar then, because the man was just so easy to adore. And Cas knew, anyway, that it would be the very last time he would have the opportunity to sleep with this amazing man- his best friend in the whole world. So he embraced it.

Gabriel arrived around 1:30 to see Cas, a bag of greasy burgers in his hand. Castiel took him up to his room to eat them, and they hung out talking for almost two hours.

"Where are you gonna live?" Gabriel asked his brother, concerned. "Mom is never going to let you move back in."

"I know." Cas sighed. "I guess I’ll get a job and rent an apartment, or something."

"Okay. And if you ever need any help, just give me a call."

"Thank you, Gabe. But you know I don’t like to be a burden."

"It’s no burden, Cassie. You’re my brother and I don’t want to see you get hurt."

Cas smiled and leaned in, hugging his brother tightly. “Thank you, Gabe. For everything.”

"I’m just being a good big brother." Gabe said, stroking Cas’s hair. He then pulled back, giving Cas a lopsided smile. "By the way, your hair makes you look queer."

"I am queer." Cas laughed. Gabriel punched him in the shoulder.

"See, it’s perfect for you."

—-

One week later, Cas was sitting in the common area reading when he heard Dean Winchester’s familiar whistling behind him. Today the man was whistling ‘Back in Black’ by ACDC, and Castiel quickly got up and walked over to Dean when he heard him.

"Hey man, I’ve been looking for you all week." Cas said, slapping Dean on the shoulder. He smiled slightly.

"Aww, d’you miss me, Cas?" He teased. Castiel rolled his eyes and Dean laughed. "Sorry, I had to drive my little brother out to California. He’s starting college this week."

"That’s nice. Your brother wants to be a lawyer, right?"

"Yup. The kid’s a genius, I’ll tell you. He’s gonna go far."

Castiel smiled. “Well, with you as his brother, I imagine he’ll do just fine.”

Dean chuckled, shaking his head. “Please, Cas. I’m nothing but an alcoholic… I’ve never done anything good for Sammy.”

"That’s not true, man. You paid for his books and his rent, didn’t you?"

"It’s nothing, Cas. Anyway, what’s up with you? You look all nervous."

"Well, actually… I wanted to ask you something." Cas bit his lips. Dean raised an eyebrow and walked over to the couch, sitting down. Cas sat beside him, clearing his throat.

"My doctor said I can leave." Cas said. Dean grinned.

"That’s terrific! So what’s the buzz?"

"I need a sponsor. And I was wondering… Maybe… If you could be mine?"

Dean smiled. “Of course, man. Anything for a friend.”

"Thank you Dean." Cas said, throwing his arms around Dean and squeezing him. Dean hugged him back, patting his back.

"It’s fine. Of course, you’ll have to tell me now what it is you were hooked on." He chuckled. Cas laughed, pulling away from Dean.

"I guess it’s about time I told you, isn’t it?" He sighed, scratching the back of his neck. "I started out snorting crack, but my real problem was heroin."

"Wow, you like the strong stuff, don’t you?" Dean raised an eyebrow. Cas shrugged.

"I guess. But I’m better now, so…" He smiled a little, and Dean slapped him on the shoulder again.

"The past is the past, right? Point is, you’re better now, and you’re gonna get out."

"And you’ll be my sponsor." Cas smiled a little, and Dean nodded.

"And I’ll be your sponsor."


	6. New Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Castiel begins to function in the real world.
> 
> TW: Homophobic Language

Meg knocked softly on the door to Balthazar and Castiel’s room, opening up the door and stepping inside. Castiel and Balthazar sat on their respective beds, each reading to themselves. Meg cleared her throat.

“Cas, it’s time to go.”

Castiel quickly put the book he had been reading away, zipping up his suitcase and lifting it off the floor. He looked over at Balthazar, smiling sadly.

“I guess this is officially goodbye.”

“I guess so.” Balthazar frowned, setting his magazine down and standing up. “Come here, mate.”

Cas dropped his luggage and stepped forward, embracing Balthazar.

“I’m going to miss you.” He said softly, his eyes squeezed shut to stop the tears from falling. Balthazar kissed his friend’s cheek chastely.

“I’ll miss you too, Cassie.”

“I’ll come visit.” Cas promised. “As soon as I can, I’ll come.”

Balthazar smiled. “I’m looking forward to it. And..,” he leaned in, his voice quite so that Meg couldn’t hear what he said, “make sure you bring me some cigarettes. I’m running out.”

Cas chuckled and nodded. “Of course.”

Right then, Meg cleared her throat. “Come on, Cas. Your brother is waiting for you downstairs.”

Cas smiled and let go of Balthazar, picking up his bag and following Meg out of the room. Halfway down the hall he looked back one last time, smiling fondly when he saw Balthazar standing in the doorway, an unlit cigarette hanging loosely between his lips as he watched Castiel leave.

When Cas reached the lobby, Gabriel quickly grabbed him and pulled him into a bone crushing hug. Cas squealed and his brother released him, mussing up his hair as he grinned down at him.

“It’s so good to see you, baby brother.” He said. Cas rolled his eyes, smiling up at Gabriel.

“You just saw me last week!”

Still grinning, Gabriel went to sign Cas out of the facility. This left Castiel alone with Meg. She smiled softly at him.

“So, angel face… I guess this is it.”

“I guess it is.” Cas said, and he couldn’t help but feel a little sad that this might be his last time ever talking to Meg. She reached out, rubbing his shoulder gently.

“Don’t be a stranger, okay? If you ever need help, our doors are open.”

“Okay.” Cas nodded. Meg stepped close and hugged him, and he hugged her back, tears filling his eyes. For the first time since he had arrived at the rehab center, he didn’t want to leave. All of his friends were there. People who cared about him were there. His family was there.

When Meg let go of Cas, Gabriel was standing beside them again. He slung his arm over Cas’s shoulder, grinning down at him. Cas smiled back up at him, wiping the tears from his eyes before they could fall.

“Are we ready to go?” Cas asked. Gabriel nodded.

“Yes sir. Have you said goodbye to all your friends?”

“Err… yes, I have. We can go.”

“Great!” Gabriel smiled down at his brother, picking up his suitcase for him and leading him outside to the car. Cas couldn’t help but smile at the feeling of sunshine on his face, and he followed Gabriel to his decrepitate blue Pinto. 

“Do you want to go get some burgers with me?” He asked, tossing Castiel’s luggage into the back and slipping into the driver’s seat. Castiel nodded.

“I would love to.”

“So… this is where you’ll be living?” Gabriel asked his brother 3 hours later as they sat in the car outside of McDermott Center, a halfway house that Dr. Henrikson had recommended to Castiel. The younger boy nodded as he worried his lower lips between his teeth. Gabriel nodded, a thoughtful expression on his face.

“I’ll be safe here. They’ll give me a place to stay, at least until I get back on my feet. I’ll get a job, or something.”

Gabriel nodded, his lips pursed. It was a few minutes before he spoke. “You know that you’re welcome to visit home anytime you like, Cas.”

The younger boy snorted. “Oh, please. As if mom would be okay with be coming home. You said it yourself that she will never let me move back in.”

“I’m sure she would be, Cas. She’s very proud of your progress… She’s thrilled that you finally decided to get some help for your problem, and now-”

“Which problem?” Castiel interrupted his brother, his eyes narrowed. Gabriel frowned a little.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, which problem is she happy I’m fixing? My drug problem, or my faggot problem?”  
“Cas…” Gabriel sighed, his eyes sad. Castiel snorted and rolled his eyes.

“Just as I thought. She doesn’t want to see me, and I don’t want to see her.” He paused, shaking his head. “Anyway… even if mom did let me back into the house, Michael swore he would kill me if he ever saw me again.”

“Michael was shipped off to Grenada a month ago.” Gabriel said softly. Castiel’s head snapped up and he looked at his brother with wide eyes.

“Are you serious?” He asked. Gabriel nodded, and Castiel’s jaw nearly dropped. His eldest brother Michael had been in the Army Reserves for years, but he had never thought that he would actually be sent off to war. Fighting back the lump that was suddenly rising in his throat, he began to speak.

“Have you, uh… have you heard from him?”

“No, not yet. But we know he’s alright. No men have shown you at our doorstep to give us any bad news, anyway.”

“That’s good.” Cas whispered, feeling a little numb. Gabriel sighed and unlocked his door, opening it up and climbing out. Castiel followed him out of the car, grabbing his suitcase from the back seat and walking to the door of the halfway house with his brother. He stopped at the door, smiling weakly at Gabe.

“I’ll be fine from here.”

“Okay. Take care of yourself, Cas.” he said, pulling his little brother close and hugging him. He kissed him on the cheek and smiled. “You’ll be fine.”

“Yeah… thanks.” Cas said, ringing the doorbell and waiting for a nurse to answer the door. Several seconds ticked by before the door opened, and Castiel stepped inside, giving his brother one last wave before disappearing into his new home.

\- - - -

One month later, Castiel was settling into his new life well. He had acquired a job as a clerk at a convenience store in town, and while he only made minimum wage, the nurses at the halfway house thought that it was great for Castiel to have a job.

He had met with Dean several times since getting out of rehab. Dean was proving to be a rather unconventional sponsor- he was more of a friend to Dean than anything. But just because he was unconventional didn’t mean he wasn’t effective. He helped Castiel through all of his problems, and for this, the young man was eternally thankful. 

He usually met up with Dean during his half hour lunch breaks. That’s what had Castiel was waiting outside of the convenience store he worked at, watching the street for Dean’s car. After only a few minutes the man pulled up, his sleek, black 1967 Chevy Impala shining in the afternoon sun. It was the first time Cas had ever seen Dean’s car, and he couldn’t help but marvel at it. He stepped close to the car and ran his hands over the sleek, shiny hood.

“Hey, no touching. You’ll get grease all over my baby.” Dean growled at Cas. The young man nodded and climbed into the car, still admiring her sleek build.

“This car is very beautiful.”

Dean smiled widely. “I know. She belonged to my dad… and he left her to me when he passed away.”

“It looks like you take good care of her.” Castiel observed, looking around the tidy car. Dean shrugged.

“I do.” He then turned the music on, the radio blasting on full volume. 

It only took a few minutes to get to Dean’s apartment, considering that he didn’t live very far away. “I would offer you a beer, but… well, you know.” Dean gave Cas a cheeky smile as he let him into his small, tidy apartment. Cas chuckled a little and shrugged.

“It’s fine. I don’t like beer much anyway.” Cas said, standing around the living room awkwardly. Dean plopped down on the couch, patting the seat beside him. Castiel obliged, crossing his legs and tapping his foot nervously. Dean raised an eyebrow at him.

“Are you okay, man?”

“Yeah… I just… don’t like unfamiliar places.” Castiel cringed a little. Dean chuckled and slapped him on the back.

“Just relax. How about I order us a pizza and we can watch some football?”

“I’d much rather watch ice skating than football.” Castiel grumbled. Dean snorted.

“Yeah, well, ice skating is for queers.” 

Castiel coughed awkwardly, falling silent. If Dean noticed Cas’s reaction to his borderline hurtful words, he said nothing. Although Cas could have sworn that he saw the corner of Dean’s mouth twitch in a smirk.

They wound up hanging out well into the afternoon, eating pizza and telling stupid jokes over the roar of a college football game on the TV. Around three o’clock Dean drove Castiel back to the halfway house. They went down to the parking lot of Dean’s building and climbed into his car. Dean turned the radio on and began to sing along as he drove.

“And now you find yourself in ’82, the disco hotspots hold no charm for you… You can’t concern yourself with bigger things…” He paused, grinning at his friend. “Come on Cas, sing along! It was the heat of the moment!”

Cas laughed, looking at Dean skeptically for a few moments before he smiled and began to sing along with his friend.

“It was the heat of the moment! The heat of the moment! Shone in your eyes…”

The song ended and the DJ put on a new song, one that Dean and Cas both didn’t know. Dean smirked over at Castiel.

“Who knew you could sing so well.”

“I was my high school choir.” Cas said, blushing slightly. Dean’s lips twitched.

“Were you, now? I bet you were a little teacher’s pet.”

“I guess you could say that.” Cas bit his lip. “Mr. Shurley- my choir teacher- used to say that I had the voice of an angel.”

“Aww.” Dean teased. Castiel rolled his eyes, his cheeks burning as he looked out of the window. The song on the radio ended and Highway to Hell by ACDC came blasting through the speakers. Dean grinned, banging his fists on the steering wheel and head banging. Castiel raised his eyebrows.

“Dean, shouldn’t you be watching the road?”

“Awe, shut up, angel. This is my song.”

“How fitting.” Cas mumbled. Dean smiled darkly at Castiel before turning to look back at the road, singing along to the heavy song that was blasting through his car radio. They reached the halfway house shortly after that, and Dean had dropped Castiel before speeding down the road, his music blasting out of the windows of his Impala as he head banged to it.

\- - - -

Two weeks later, Castiel got permission to go visit his old friends at the rehab center. It was his first time visiting since he had been discharged, and he dressed in his best clothes for the occasion. Dean picked him up from the halfway house and drove him there, seeing as he was going there anyway.

As soon as Cas walked into the common area he was ambushed by Ester. She jumped onto him, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. Castiel scrambled to hold her up, and she leaned in to give him a long, passionate kiss on the lips. He didn’t respond to this, of course, and he could hear Dean laughing somewhere behind him.

“Oh Cas, I’ve missed you so much!” Ester exclaimed. Castiel set her down, smiling at her and fighting the urge to wipe his mouth.

“I missed you too, Ester. Is, uh… Is Balthazar here?”

“Yes. He was just released from the infirmary this morning. Oh, Cas, you should see his bandages! They’re the prettiest shade of pink you’ll ever se.”

“Bandages?” Castiel frowned, his heart beat picking up. Ester nodded, and Cas’s frown deepened. “What happened to him?”

“I don’t know. He won’t talk about it.” Ester rolled her eyes.

Castiel was about to ask Ester where Balthazar was when Samandriel walked over to him and hugged him tightly.

“Hey Cas, long time no see.” He grinned. “I almost didn’t recognize you without your blonde hair.”

Castiel chuckled, running his fingers through his hair. “Yeah… the peroxide faded out a while ago.”

“Well, you could always have Zar dye it for you again.” He grinned. “You came here to see him, right?”

“Yes, actually. I have some… ah, treats for him.” Castiel said, his hand reaching into his pocket where he had hidden a pack of cigarettes. “Would you happen to know where he is?”

“He’s laying over there.” Samandriel said, gesturing towards one of the couches on the other end of the room. “He might be sleeping though. I’m not sure.”

“Okay. Thanks, Sammy.” Cas said, clapping Samandriel on the shoulder before walking over to the couch he had pointed to. The couch with backwards for some reason, facing the wall, so Cas couldn’t see if his friend really was sleeping on it until he was a few feet away. Sure enough, when he reached the couch he found Balthazar there, flipping nonchalantly through a Playboy. Castiel grinned and leaned down, whispering right into the English man’s ear.

“What do you think you’re doing, Mr. Milton?” He asked. Balthazar quickly turned his head, grinning when he saw Cas’s face. 

“Well hello there.” He sat up, patting the seat beside him. Cas sat down on the couch, hugging Balthazar tightly. The man winced, pulling away from Castiel.

“Be careful, mate. I just got out of the hospital wing this morning, and I’ve got this wound that hurts like a bitch.”

“Yeah… Ester told me about that. I hope you’re okay.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s only a little stab wound.”

“Stab wound?” Castiel’s eyes widened. Balthazar shushed him.

“Yeah, stab wound. My new roommate is a bloody psychopath… He swiped one of the knives from under my bed and tried to attack Adam. I jumped in front of the kid – noble saint that I am – and wound up getting stabbed.”

“Wow. Is Adam okay?” Castiel asked. Balthazar smirked.

“I wouldn’t necessarily say that he’s okay…” He licked his lips, suppressing a smile. “Stupid kid made the mistake of telling me he ‘owed me his life’. He’s been acting as my servant ever since.”

Castiel couldn’t help but laugh at this. “Oh, poor Adam. Where is he?”

“Upstairs, getting his leg over with his girlfriend.” Balthazar said. Cas nodded, still smiling. Balthazar raised his eyebrows.

“What are you smiling about?”

“I’ve got something for you.” Cas whispered. Balthazar grinned.

“Let’s go, then.”

Balthazar took Cas up to their old room, locking the door behind him and plopping down on the bed. Castiel pulled the cigarettes out of his pocket, tossing them to Balthazar. The English man gasped.

“Oh, Castiel… you spared no expense. These are the expensive brand.” He grinned, pulling out a box of matches and lighting up on of the death sticks. He took a long drag, sighing and blowing the smoke out of his nose.

Castiel stood at the foot of Balthazar’s bed, smiling fondly down at his best friend. Eventually Balthazar opened his eyes, gesturing towards the bed on the other side of the room.

“You can take a seat if you want.”

“What about your roommate?”

“He’s not coming back in here anytime soon.” He replied. Cas nodded and took a seat on his old bed, laying back and watching Balthazar as he smoked. They spent the next hour or so catching up. Balthazar told Cas all about what it was like after he left- how the halls were quiet and people didn’t seem to smile as much. This information made Castiel’s heart clench and tears come to his eyes. He had never known it could feel so good to know that you were loved and missed by people. Balthazar continued to talk, boasting that he had had sex with both Ester and Ruby since Cas left. While Castiel didn’t believe this story for one second, he let Balthazar tell it, congratulating him multiple times.

After Balthazar had filled Cas in, Cas filled Balthazar in, sharing with him what life at the halfway house was like.

“Maybe you can move in some day, and you and I can be roommates again.”

Balthazar smiled and nodded. “Soon, Cassie.”

Castiel told Balthazar about his job and about his brothers. He told him how Michael had been shipped off to Grenada four months previously, and there had still been no word from him. Balthazar offered his consolations, although they did nothing to calm the anxiety that bubbled up inside of Cas each time he thought about his older brother fighting war overseas.

Castiel left around two o’clock, giving Balthazar a hug and a chaste kiss on the cheek before going down to the common area to meet up with Dean. They walked out to the Impala in silence, and drove home in silence. The only sound in the car was Dean’s cassette player, which he was currently blasting Metallica on. Castiel knew what it meant when Dan listed to Metallica; he was thinking about something that made him upset, and he was not to be disturbed.

As Dean pulled up to the halfway house and Cas opened the door, Dean finally turned the music off and spoke. “Are you dating?”

“Huh?” Castiel turned back to Dean, a confused look on his face. Dean pinched his lips together in what almost looked like a pout.

“You and Balthazar… are you dating?”

“Um… no.” Castiel answered, looking at Dean curiously. It he didn’t know any better, he could have sworn Dean looked relieved. “Why do you ask?”

“You guys kind of disappeared to his room for a few hours… I just figured you two were... together.”

“No. No, we’re not together.” Castiel said, licking his lips. Dean nodded, turning his music back on and putting his car into gear.

“Okay then. I’ll see you around, Cas.”

“See you.” He said, closing the door and waling up the path to the halfway house. And as he heard Dean’s Impala speeding away behind him, he couldn’t help the small smile that crept onto his face.

\- - - -

Castiel had been clean for nearly 9 months. He had had a steady job for 6. It was early February of 1984 then, and news of the American occupation on Grenada was hard to come by. But when something did come on the news, Cas was quick to call Gabriel and ask if there had been any word from Michael. Castiel was almost surprised with himself by how concerned he was with his brother’s wellbeing, especially after Michael had made it clear that he hated Cas and wanted him to die.

But having a big, trusting heart had always been one of Castiel’s greatest flaws.

He was getting sick of living in the halfway house, and he wanted to get his own apartment. He had talked with Dean about it, who suggested that he just move in with him. Castiel had declined the offer, stating that Dean had already given so much to Castiel and he didn’t want to impose. Dean hadn’t argued with him on the subject.

After that, Dean left town for a while to visit his brother in California. He gave Castiel the number for his brother’s house phone, in case of an emergency, but Castiel didn’t plan on using it.

He caught the bus that Friday after work, riding it all the way to the bank. He fixed his hair in the glass before walking in, going up to the front desk and tapping his fingers on the wood. The woman behind it, a large black woman whose name tag read ‘Missouri’, smiled at him.

“What can I do for you, honey?”

“I’d like to take out a loan for an apartment.” Castiel smiled. The woman nodded.

‘What’s your name?”

“Castiel Novak.” He said, fidgeting with the collar of his shirt. Missouri started typing away on the large computer in front of her.

“Can I see some identification?” She asked. Cas nodded, pulling out his social security card and handing it to her. She nodded, typing some more words into her computer before handing the card back to Castiel.

“Well Mr. Novak, I’m afraid that I can’t do anything for you today.”

“W-what?” Castiel frowned. Missouri sighed.

“You don’t qualify for a loan. It appears that have quite a history with borrowing money and not paying it back.”

Castiel’s jaw dropped as Missouri’s words sunk into his skull. He didn’t qualify for a loan. He couldn’t get any money. He was stuck in the halfway house.

Fighting the urge to cry, Castiel left the bank. He barely reached the curb before he burst into tears, his body shaking as he took in the severity of his situation. Without the ability to take out a loan, he would be stuck in the halfway house until he earned enough money to pay for an apartment out of pocket. In six months he had only made $1800, barely enough to pay three months’ rent in an apartment. 

He was still crying when he felt a presence beside him, and a soft voice spoke in his ear.

“You should stop crying, mate. People are staring at you.” The voice sounded almost like Balthazar’s, but it was deeper and had less of a sharpness than his did. Castiel opened his eyes, looking to his right to find a young man with dark hair and a beard standing next to him. He sniffled, his lips trembling.

“You don’t understand, sir. I’ve screwed myself and now I can’t even take a loan out from the bank…” he started to cry again. I’m such a failure… I’m such a loser, was all he could think. The man beside him cleared his throat.

“What do you need to borrow money for, kid?”

“An apartment.” Cas sniffled. The man smiled kindly at him, placing a hand on Castiel’s shoulder.

“I think I may just be able to help you out.”


	7. Castiel's Apartment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Castiel is propositioned by a mysterious English man and he and Dean flirt with each other nonstop. Be warned: cross dressing in this chapter

Castiel sat at a dirty table in the coffee shop down the street from the bank, holding a cup of black coffee in his hands. The English man, whose name was Crowley, smiled at him across the table. Castiel’s lips twitched upward a little bit.

“So… you can help me get an apartment?”

“I think that some sort of deal can be arranged.” Crowley responded, eyeing Castiel up and down as he brought a cup of tea to his lips. Castiel bit his lip and tapped his fingers nervously on the table.

“What kind of deal?”

“Well, you see, Cas… I’m sort of in the business of forging economic alliances with people like you, and in exchange for my services, I only ask for your trust and friendship.”

“My friendship?” Castiel frowned in confusion. What type of loan shark would exchange money for friendship?

“Yes, Castiel. Your friendship. And trust me, I’m not a needy friend. In fact, I’m sure you won’t even hear for me for at least 10 months.”

“10 months? What happens in 10 months?”

“Nothing, Castiel. I was just giving you an example.” Crowley frowned. 

“Oh. Okay.” Castiel whispered. He stared down at his coffee for a few moments before looking back up at Crowley, who was smiling at him. He swallowed.

“So, do we have a deal?”

“I don’t know…” Castiel bit his lip. “Are you really going to give me money in exchange for friendship?”

“What can I say, Castiel? I’m a lonely man.”

Castiel bit his lip and looked at Crowley softly. He picked up his coffee again, draining it and setting it down with a loud thump on the table.

“So am I.” Castiel admitted, and then he smiled softly at Crowley. “I like you, Crowley. Something about me tells me that I can trust you.”

“So we have a deal?”

“I think we do.” Castiel said softly, and then he stuck out his hand to Crowley. The man grinned and took Castiel’s hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing softly. Castiel blushed furiously and pulled his hand away, looking down at the dirty table, which was covered in dry ketchup stains and coffee stains. After a few seconds Crowley cleared his throat.

“I should really be getting along, Castiel. Why don’t you meet me here tomorrow night, around six o’clock? I’ll bring the money, and you can bring your pretty little face.”

Castiel blushed again and nodded. When Crowley stood, Cas stood, and he smiled down at the English man. “That sounds like a plan.”

He went home happy that night.

\- - - 

Dean came back from visiting Sam in California two weeks later, sporting a major sunburn and a smile that could light up a room. He met a bubbling Castiel at the burger place near his house, and he treated Cas to a burger and a milkshake.

“So, I got an apartment.” Cas said, twirling the straw of his chocolate shake between his fingers. Dean’s eyes widened.

“You did? Where?”

“It’s about three blocks away from here. It’s this cheap ass apartment building called Heavenly Hills, but it was the best place I could afford.”

“That’s awesome, Cas. Have you told your brother?”

“Yes. He’s going to help me move my stuff out of the halfway house tomorrow. Would you like to come help?”

“Yeah, sure. There’ll be food, right?” He asked, and then his face split into a grin as Castiel rolled his eyes. The topic changed, and soon enough Castiel had Dean rambling about his younger brother, the man’s green eyes glowing bright as he told stories of his time with Sam in California.

The next day, Castiel sat on the floor of his room in the halfway house, packing his suitcase full of clothes. Suddenly Dean plopped down beside him, snatching a pair of Castiel’s underwear from his hands and holding them up.

“What are you, Cas? Five?” He teased, holding Castiel’s tighty-whiteys just out of his reach. After a few minutes of struggling with the bigger man, Cas gave up, glaring at him halfheartedly.

“You’re the worst sponsor ever.” He pouted. Dean pretended to be offended, his right hand covering his heart as he gaped at Cas. Gabriel looked over at them and rolled his eyes.

“Quit flirting with Dean and fold your clothes, Cas. This room isn’t going to clean itself.”

Castiel blushed furiously and busied himself folding clothes as Dean went to pack up some of Cas’s books. The two didn’t speak for about an hour after that, and every time they looked at each other they would each blush and look the other way.

Once Castiel’s belongings were all packed up and loaded into Gabriel’s car, the three men stood around with their hands stuffed in their pockets. Castiel pulled out a cigarette and lit it, ignoring the glare he earned from his brother as he sucked the nicotine out of the lit bud. Dean stretched.

“You guys want to do lunch? I could really go for some pizza right about now.”

“Me too. I’m starved.” Castiel said. Gabriel shrugged.

“Where do you guys want to go?”

“I know a place that’s only a couple blocks away from here.” Dean said. Gabriel nodded.

“Okay. I don’t have any room in my car though, so Cas needs to go with you.”

“No problem.” Dean said, slapping Cas on the back and making him choke on cigarette smoke. He chuckled and led Cas over to the passenger’s side door of his Impala. 

“Just follow me, okay?” He nodded to Gabriel. The man nodded and clambered into his Pinto, starting up the engine. Meanwhile, Castiel sat back in Dean’s passenger seat as his cigarette hung loosely from his lips. He smiled over at his sponsor.

“You don’t mind if I smoke in here, right?”

“I don’t mind. Actually, you think I could take a drag?”

Castiel nodded and handing Dean his cigarette, watching carefully as the man placed it between his dry lips and took a long puff from it. He closed his eyes as he did so, a small trace of a smile ghosting over his face before he pulled the cigarette from his lips and handed it back to Cas. He started up the Impala, letting the smoke from the cigarette slowly seep from his lip. Castiel couldn’t help but watch with wide eyes, his pants suddenly becoming extremely tight by the way Dean took a drag.

It didn’t help at all that all he could think about as he put the cigarette back between his lips was this was in Dean’s mouth. This was in Dean’s mouth and now it’s in mine. Closing his eyes and crossing his right leg over the left to hide his growing erection, he looked away from Dean and tried desperately not to picture him naked.

But it was no use, because the images were already flooding his mind. He thought of the time he had spent with Balthazar in rehab, and the way Balthazar had made him feel on those late nights… but in his mind, instead of Zar making him feel that way, he imagined that it was Dean. Dean, shirtless, kissing him with those chapped lips. Dean kneeling in front of him and taking Cas’s cock into his mouth, the same way he had placed the cigarette between his lips. He would run his hands through Dean’s usually neat hair, pulling and twisting on it until he came into Dean’s mouth. And Dean would swallow it all, and then he would smile up at him with one of those shit-eating grins that always had Castiel’s stomach turning.

“You okay, Cas? You got really quiet.”

“I’m just… tired.” Castiel mumbled, trying to hide the blush that was forming on his cheeks. Dean nodded, thankfully not looking at Cas as he watched the road.

“Me too.” He said, and then he flipped the radio on. Elvis crooned through the speakers, and Castiel’s nose scrunched up.

“I hate Elvis.” He said. Dean looked over at Cas and nodded once before smiling. 

“I agree.” he flipped to another station, smiling contentedly as Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen came through the speakers. He immediately began to sing along, and Castiel couldn’t help but laugh. Sometimes, Dean could be such a child.

“This song is about me, you know.” Dean grinned over at Castiel. The young man raised an eyebrow, trying to stifle his laughter.

“Is it really, now?”

“Oh yes. See, I’m just a poor boy from a poor family.” He said. Castiel rolled his eyes, and a few seconds later Dean was singing along to the song again.

“I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me.” He inclined his head towards Cas as he sang, and the young man yelped and pointed towards the road.

“Dean, watch the road!” He yelped. Dean rolled his eyes.

“You’re such a Nancy sometimes, I swear.” He said, and then he parked the car on the side of the road. He turned the car off and climbed out, showing his hands into his pockets. Castiel followed behind him, flicking his cigarette to the ground and smothering it with his foot.

Less than a minute later Gabriel’s Pinto pulled up behind Dean’s Impala, and Castiel’s brother climbed out and caught up to them. They all walked into the little pizza shop and were seated at a booth. Castiel was grateful when his brother claimed the seat beside him, and Dean sat across from the two of them. The last thing he needed after his day dream in the car was to sit next to Dean.

They ordered a large pie with basically everything on it, and Castiel could feel his stomach rumbling at the thought of food. He didn’t pay much attention to Gabriel and Dean’s conversation, considering that it was about football and Castiel had no real interest in sports. A waitress brought them their drinks before bustling back to the busy kitchen. It was about ten minutes after they sat down that Gabriel turned to his brother, concern etched onto his face.

“You okay, Cassie? You haven’t said a word in ten minutes.”

“I’m fine, Gabe. I’m just so damn hungry.” He whined. Dean chuckled, grinning over at Cas before looked at Gabe.

“Did you know that your brother can eat sixteen hamburgers in one sitting?”

“Only sixteen?” Gabriel raised an eyebrow, smirking at his brother. “Your game is slipping, bro.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. ‘I’m not sixteen anymore, Gabriel. I can’t eat thirty hamburgers anymore. I’ll get sick.”

“Thirty?” Dean’s eyes widened in disbelief. “You used to be able to eat thirty hamburgers?”

“I did, once.” Castiel said, frowning slightly. “But, to be fair, my friends and I had just smoked about a pound of dope and I had a severe case of the munchies. Not to mention I puked my brains out six hours later.”

Dean chuckled and shook his head, taking a sip at his coke. “So what you’re saying is… smoking burger made you crave burgers?”

Gabriel and Cas both groaned as Dean cackled away. Luckily their food arrived before Dean could make any more crappy jokes, and the only sound around the table was that of eating. Within minutes, the pie was gone, and the three men resumed their teasing conversation from before.

“Dean tortured me the whole way here with his horrible singing.” Castiel complained to Gabriel. Dean scoffed.

“I did not!” he said. “I simply gave you the privilege to hear my beautiful singing.”

Castiel smiled and shook his head as Gabriel laughed. Dean stirred his coke with a straw before taking a long sip, smirking a little as he did so. As he pulled away from his straw, he raised his glass up into the air.

“I would like to toast you, Castiel.” He smiled over at the young man. “Congratulations on your new apartment, and congratulations on being 9 months clean.” He grinned over at the blushing boy. “To new beginnings.”

“To new beginnings.” Castiel mumbled, raising his own glass of soda and clinking it with Dean’s. Gabriel pulled him into a shoulder hug, shaking him back and forth.

“9 months clean is very impressive, Castiel. I’m proud of you.” He said, smiling. “Let’s keep it that way.”

Castiel blushed and nodded, sipping his drink awkwardly. He was relieved when Dean tossed some cash onto the table, slipping out of his booth and grabbing his leather jacket. 

“I’ve got to go… I promised my Uncle Bobby I would help him at his auto shop today. It was great hanging out with you guys. Thank you for inviting me, Castiel.” He smiled at his friend, then nodded towards Gabriel. “It was nice to finally meet you. Now I know why Cas looks up to you so much.”

“You look up to me?” Gabriel asked, smirking at his younger brother. Castiel blushed and pouted, and Gabe began to mess up his hair as he made ‘awe’ noises. Dean snickered once before turning and leaving the shop. Gabriel threw some cash onto the table, covering the rest of the bill and the tip. Then, he and Castiel walked out to his Pinto. They made room for Cas to sit in the front, stuffing one of Castiel’s suitcases into the already overfilled trunk.

Gabriel was about a block away from the pizza f=place when he spoke. “You like him.”

“What?” Castiel frowned.

“Dean. You have a crush on Dean.” He glanced over at Castiel, smirking slightly. “Am I right?”

“No.” Castiel answered too quickly, frowning at his brother. Gabriel grinned.

“I knew it.”

“Gabriel, I don’t like-”

“It’s okay, little brother. You know I don’t judge. Anyway, Dean is a nice guy. He would be good for you.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s homophobic.” Castiel mumbled. Gabriel raised an eyebrow.

“Are you sure about that?”

“He’s always throwing around the word ‘queer’ and using it in a negative connotation. I’m pretty sure he’s homophobic.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” Gabriel said, smirking. Castiel raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing.” Gabriel said, biting his lip. Castiel frowned.

“Tell me, Gabriel.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“Yes there is, I can tell… You’ve got that look in your eye. So… spill it!”

“Maybe if you were more observant, you would have noticed…” Gabriel trailed off.

“Gabe!” Castiel growled. The older man chuckled darkly, smirking at Castiel.

“He was wearing women’s underwear. I don’t know how you missed it. I mean, you spent half the afternoon checking out his ass.”

“Gabriel!” Castiel blushed. His brother laughed.

“What? It’s true.” He teased. Castiel sighed and looked out the window, a frown on his face.

Dean wore women’s underwear? Why? And how could he not have noticed? As embarrassing as it was, what Gabriel had said was true… he had spent most of the morning checking Dean out when he should have been packing boxes. He wondered briefly if Gabriel was lying to him, but he knew that his brother wouldn’t do that. Not when he knew that Castiel actually did have a major crush on Dean.

But that still left one big question: was Dean gay? Or did he just enjoy cross-dressing? Castiel sighed as he looked out the window of his brother’s Pinto, which slowly rolled to a stop in front of his new apartment building. Gabriel put the car in park and looked over at his brother, smiling softly.

“Ready to get settled into your new home?”


	8. Panty Fantasy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Castiel jerks off while fantasizing about his cross-dressing best friend, and then recivees an unexpected visit from a long lost friend...

Castiel settled into his new life rather quickly. He enjoyed having his own apartment and supporting himself. He went to his job every day and he was happy to. He went through every day with a smile on his face, and he found that not once did he need drugs to make that smile appear.

He met with Dean weekly, usually catching lunch with him at the local diner. Cas always ordered the bacon cheeseburger, medium rare. Dean liked to change up his order from time to time, but he usually just ordered the same thing as Cas. 

The first time that Cas paid was four months after he had secured his apartment, and it was a big deal to Dean.

“I have the money.” He had insisted, grinning at a concerned Dean. The man only tried to argue twice before he gave in and let Castiel pay.

Time flew by. Michael came home unharmed from the war, although he never once reached out to see how Castiel was doing. No, the boy got all of his information from Gabriel, who called once a week to see how his baby brother was doing.

Cas became closer with Dean. He met his brother after seven months pf living alone, one day when Sam was visiting from college with his girlfriend Jess. It had been an accident, to be honest. Cas had shown up at Dean’s door wondering if they could do lunch, and was instead greeted by a tall boy with shaggy brown hair. But Dean had been more than happy to introduce his brother, and Castiel was not very good at winning arguments.

“I really don’t want to impose.” Cas had said, frowning at Dean. The man smiled and shook his head.

“Come on, Cas. It’s a party.” He grabbed his wrist and dragged him into the living room to meet his brother and brother’s girlfriend.

“This is Sam,” He gestured to the tall boy. “And this is Jess.” He pointed at a very pretty blonde girl who sat on Sam’s lap on the couch. Dean smiled over at them. “Guys, this is Castiel. He’s my friend.”

“Nice to meet you.” Sam smiled, nodded to Cas. The young man smiled weakly, unsure of what to say. Dean spoke up after a few seconds.

“Sam is almost finished with his second semester of college. He’s sort of a dweeb-o-rama.” Dean grinned. Castiel chuckled, smiling over at Dean. Sam whined.

“I am not a dweeb, Dean. Geez, you’re going to gag me out the door if you keep it up with your kidding.”

“Aw, I’m just fooling. Lighten up, Sam.” He paused. “Tell him to lighten up, Jess.”

The girl smiled, turning to Sam. “Lighten up, Sam.” She teased. He frowned and she leaned up to kiss him. Dean gagged.

“You guys are gross. You’re making Cas feel all awkward.”

Sam glared at Dean and continued to kiss Jess. Dean sighed loudly and turned to Cas, smiling at him. “You want anything to drink? I’ve got some coca cola in the other room.”

“That sounds nice.” He said, sitting down on the couch. Dean nodded and bustled from the room. This time, Cas was surprised to notice the distinct hem of woman’s underwear that was showing above his waistline. 

In the past few months, Cas had been very subtly stealing glances at Dean’s ass to see if he really did wear woman’s underwear (there were other reasons too, but they need not be mentioned). He hadn’t noticed Dean wearing woman’s underwear at any of these times, though, and had begun to believe that Gabriel had in fact made it all up. But what he had just seen? That was proof enough to Castiel.

Sam stopped kissing Jessica for just long enough that she could turn and ask Castiel a question. “So how do you know Dean?”

“He… uh, we met at… at rehab.” He said, not looking at the couple before him. He didn’t want to be judged.

“Oh, you’re the kid he’s sponsoring.” Sam’s words surprised Castel. He had expected something harsher. “He doesn’t shut up about you on the phone. Always yammering away about his friend ‘Cas’.”

“That would be me.” Castiel smiled a little. Sam nodded, frowning slightly. A thoughtful expression crossed his face.

“I always thought you would be a girl.”

That ended the conversation, and Dean soon returned carrying a glass of soda and a large bowl of popcorn for everyone to share. He set them down on the coffee table and sat beside Cas, slugging him in the arm.

“Sam was just in the middle of telling us his embarrassing Midterm Exam story.”

Sam blushed a little. “I don’t think Cas wants to hear that…”

“Oh, but I do.” Castiel suddenly found his voice. Dean barked out a laugh and smiled over at his friend.

“See? He wants to hear the story.”

Sam mumbled something under his breath before heaving a heavy sigh and beginning to speak. However, even as Sam recounted the hilarious story of how he had fallen asleep in the student center on the last day of Midterms and gotten pictures of genitalia drawn all over his face, Cas couldn’t pay attention. He was too distracted by the tiny sliver of bright pink silk that was showing under Dean’s waistline. That beautiful strip of underwear that probably barely fit around Dean’s cock… in fact, Cas could only imagine what it looked like, the head trapped under the satin waist band and begging for his attention, beads of precum pearling at the tip as Castiel knelt in front of Dean… 

He was so immersed in his fantasy that it took Dean a couple tries to get his attention. “Hey, man.” Dean raised his voice, snapping his fingers in front of Castiel’s blushing face. “We’ve been trying to get your attention for like five minutes. You okay?”

“I’m fine, Dean, I…” He cleared his throat, his voice suddenly giving out. “I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“Oh, man. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, Dean. I’m fine.” Castiel assured him. The man nodded, turning back to Sam and continuing his conversation. Castiel left an hour later, a happy smile on his face and fantasies of his best friend’s cock playing through his head.

When he got home, the first thing he did was strip out of his jeans. His aching boner stood noticeably in his boxers, creating a tent with the thin, white material. Cas frowned down at it, considering for a moment if he should just rub one out and be done with it. He decided against that, however, and went to run himself a cold shower.

Once the water was running, Castiel removed the rest of his clothing and stepped into the tub. He shivered as the water hit him directly on the chest. While it was very uncomfortable, Castiel knew it was the only way he would get rid of his hard on (besides jerking off to the image if his best friend’s cock- which was not an option).

Cas did a good job of not thinking about Dean, and not thinking about his raging boner, which still had not gone down. He began to scrub himself clean, starting with his hair. He lathered a generous amount of shampoo into the messy locks, thinking briefly of Balthazar and what he might be doing at that exact moment. A small smile graced his lips when he thought of his old roommate, who was probably sneaking a smoke in with Samandriel at that moment.

After cleaning his hair, Castiel used the extra shampoo suds to scrub his body clean. He started by washing his arm pits, then his arms. Then he moved on to his chest, his stomach, his… oh. His dick was still rock hard. Castiel bit his lip at he looked at it, wondering briefly if he could just not wash it at all. He didn’t entertain the idea for more than a second before his hands were in his dick and he was washing himself.

 _I’ll just do a quick wash down and get it over with_ , Castiel thought to himself. But then, he thought, what good will a quick wash do? _I’ll just wind up leaving myself all dirty…_ And so he slowed down, slowly stroking his own cock, soap suds covering his length from base to tip. He sighed as he moved his fingers over the tip, leaning against the shower wall and closing his eyes.

He was immediately bombarded with all of the fantasies he had suppressed during the day. Each and every one of these fantasies starring none other than Dean Winchester. Castiel groaned and through his head back, knocking it against the tile wall. This was so wrong… but at the same time, it was so right.

Castiel squeezed the base of his cock, moaning quietly as he imaged Dean doing the exact same thing to him. He imagined Dean, with his bright green eyes and his rough, mechanic’s hands, stroking his cock up and down. Castiel whimpered and bit his lips, moving his hand a little faster and pressing his thumb against his own slit as a bead of precum formed at the tip. In his mind, Dean would swipe away that bead of precum and bring it to his lips, licking it away with that naughty tongue of his and moaning Cas’s name.

“Dean…” Cas sighed, his hips jerking into his hand as he fucked his fist. The same way he wanted to fuck Dean. He wanted to bend that man over his bed and move his panties (Castiel groaned loudly at the thought of seeing Dean wearing nothing but his panties) aside and grab his ass- his _perfect ass_ \- and just drive into it. He squeezed his cock, moaning loudly as he imagined how tight Dean’s hole would be.

That was when he came, panting and moaning in the shower as his cock twitched with excitement. Cas groaned and opened his eyes just in time to see the last of his cum get washed down the drain. He closed his eyes again after that, taking a moment to recover his breath- and his _sanity_ \- before he stepped back into the stream of water to wash himself off again.

And that was when Castiel realized what he had just done.

He had just gotten off to the idea of _fucking_ his best friend _in the ass_.

Castiel had never wanted to fuck anyone before. But with Dean… Something was just different. And somehow, it didn’t seem wrong anymore. Dean had been the first person to give him a nickname; his first friend… his first crush. And maybe, _just maybe_ , he would be the first person Castiel ever fucked.

Castiel went to bed that night feeling content, sated, and most of all: happy, which was a good feeling he was starting to grow increasingly familiar with.

It was two months later that everything went downhill.  
Castiel was walking home from work, his hands in his pockets as he approached his apartment building. He kept his gaze on the sidewalk, kicking a bottle cap along in front of him as he thought about Dean. He hadn’t been able to get him off of his mind lately, and it was really started to affect him. For instance, he had broken the smoothie machine at the convenient store today because he was too busy thinking about his lunch plans with Dean for next week.

He didn’t even notice as a sleek, black limo pulled up beside him. It wasn’t until someone stuck their head out and called his name that he lifted his head to see what was happening.

He immediately came face to face with the smiling face of Crowley. He smiled back, walking over to the limo and placing his hand on the hood.

“Hey, long time no see. What’s shaking?”

“Nothing much, Castiel. Why don’t you get in? We need to talk.”

Castiel frowned and nodded, climbing into the limo and scooting in to sit beside Crowley. The English man wore a fine tailored suit. It was brown and yellow in color, and checkered. It must have been a very expensive suit, and it looked rather comfortable. Crowley also wore matching brown shoes which looked to be entirely made of leather. Castiel noted that they were probably Italian.

The car didn’t move, as Castiel had expected it to. Crowley began to speak. “I know it’s been quite a while since we last chatted.”

“Seven months, actually.” Castiel said. Crowley nodded, reaching out to cup Castiel’s cheek. The young man looked up at Crowley with innocent blue eyes, trying to decide what Crowley meant by the odd gesture of affection.

“How has your life been going? Did you get your apartment?”

Cas smiled. “Yeah, I did… And I got a job too. I’ve been paying my own rent for about five months now.”

“That’s terrific, love.” Crowley smiled, tracing his thumb over Castiel’s lower lip. The boy frowned slightly and Crowley pulled his fingers away, tucking them into his pockets. Castiel swallowed, suddenly nervous.

“What’s going on, Crowley?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to check up on my old friend and see how he was doing. And you _are_ are good friend of mine, Castiel. Is that a crime, now?”

“No.” Castiel answered simply, his cheeks turning red. Crowley smiled.

“Good. Now I need to ask you a favor.”

Cas nodded. “Sure, anything. You’ve helped me so much… the least I can do is do you a favor.”

Crowley grinned, removing his hands from his pockets and handing Castiel a plain, white card with a man’s name written on it in neat cursive. It simply read, _Kevin Tran_ , no explanation, no instructions, nothing. Castiel frowned down at it, his eyebrows scrunching up in confusion.

“What’s this? Who is this person?” He looked up at Crowley, whose smiled was gone. The English man licked his lips and pointed at the card with his long index finger.

“I want you to listen to me very carefully, Castiel. This man owes me a lot of money and he hasn’t paid me back. I want you to find this man, and I want you to kill him.”


	9. The Truth Hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Castiel discovers that some of his frieds aren't real friends after all...

“Earth to Castiel.” Crowley said, waving a hand in front of Castiel’s face. The boy blinked a couple of times, looking up at Crowley with wide blue eyes. He swallowed nervously. 

“I… Crowley…” He looked back down at the crumpled piece of paper in his hands and bit his lips. He ran his finger over the name on the paper before folding it in half, creasing it between his thumb and index finger.

“What is it, love?” Crowley asked, still smiling softly at Castiel. But there was something unspoken behind his smile; some sort of threatening expression that made Castiel’s palms sweat. The boy swallowed again and held the paper out to Crowley for him to take back.

“I…I can’t do this. I can't kill this man for you.”

“But, Castiel, he’s done me wrong.” Crowley answered sternly, closing his hands around Castiel’s fist and gently pushing the paper back into the former drug addict’s chest. Castiel shook his head and looked away from Crowley.

“It doesn’t matter. I won’t murder anyone, no matter what they’ve done. I just… I can’t do it.”

“You can’t, or you won’t?” Crowley asked, his tone surprisingly harsh. Castiel blinked a few times, a bit taken aback by the question. He squinted at Crowley before responding, his mouth moving slowly as he articulated his response.

“I neither can nor will.” He said carefully, holding out the paper in front of him and ripping it in half. Crowley’s jaw clenched, and he narrowed his eyes at Castiel.

“So be it.” He held up his hand and snapped his finger. In an instant, three men had a firm grip on Castiel and were dragging him into the alleyway beside his apartment building. Two of the men dragged him by the arms while one held him from behind, a hand over his mouth.

Castiel squealed loudly and bit at the hand that was covering his mouth, but all it did was earn him a painful slap in the face. His cheek stung as he was thrown against the wall of his apartment building, a loud cry escaping his lips as he felt his wrist bone crack against the wall.

“Stop!” He yelled, trying to climb to his feet and make a run for it. One of the men immediately grabbed him through, holding him in a head lock while the second guy used him as a punching bag. Castiel cried out loudly, tears blurring his eyes.

“Please!” he sobbed, punching the man who was holding him. But it was no use; Castiel only had one good hand, and the man he was up against was a 250 pound wall of solid muscle. Not to mention that there were three of him and only one Castiel.

“Let me go, please!” He cried as the man picked him up again, this time by the neck, slamming him into the wall. Castiel groaned in pain and looked around frantically, catching sight of Crowley standing in the entryway of the alley. He whimpered and looked at the man desperately.

“Please, Crowley, stop this! We were friends…” he groaned loudly as the man in front of him slugged him in the gut and all of the air in his lungs was punched out of him.

“The key word in that sentence is _were_ , sweetie. We were friends, but now we’re enemies.”

Castiel was about to respond, but instead let out a loud, painful scream as he felt one of the men grab hold of his broken wrist and slam it into the wall. Tears blurred his vision and he tried to get away again, but he found that he couldn’t move his body. The man in front of him tightened his grip on him, and it suddenly became very hard for Castiel to breath.

His chest heaving and his eyes blurred with tears, Castiel continued to squirm. He knew that the three men around him beating his body; tearing it to shreds and abusing it beyond repair, but at the same time he couldn’t feel it. Everything was numb and his only focus wad to keep on breathing. But as the grip on his neck tightened, that became harder and harder to do.

“Enough.” Castiel could hear Crowley’s voice ring out through the alley, and the three men immediately stopped beating on him. Castiel slumped down to the ground and looked up at Crowley through his blackened and bruised eyes. Tears ran down his face and his lips trembled.

“Crow…” he started, but the English man slapped him promptly.

“Shush. I want you to listen very carefully to me, Castiel. You owe me a lot of money, and you have upset me now. So this is your warning. You have three months to pay back to me $8,000 dollars. If you don’t do as I say, well… let’s just say that there will be hell to pay.”

And that was the last thing that Castiel heard before he passed out.

When Cas opened his eyes again, it was dark. He groaned, blinking up at the fading light in the sky. He quickly closed his eyes again, his head pounding painfully. Castiel was pretty sure that he had a concussion, but he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t really sure of anything at that moment. How had he got here? And where was he?

Castiel moved, using his good arm to prop himself up against the wall. He whimpered in pain as he felt a sharp piece of rock digging into his spine. He had never been in so much pain before. In all of his life- all of the overdoses and the late drug money payments- getting beat up had never hurt this badly before.

Castiel was finally able to get himself onto his feet, but his head was pounding and the entire alleyway was spinning in front of him. He groaned softly, doubling over and vomiting onto the pavement. Once he had emptied all of his stomach contents, he stood up straight again and began to limp out of the alley.

He realized, as he walked out onto the sidewalk, that he was less than a block away from his own apartment. He wondered what time it really was as he emerged from the alley and hobbled out onto the vacant street. He looked around for any signs of life, but aside from two or three cars on the road and a couple shady looking figures walking on the street, there was nobody.

Castiel walked over to the payphone at the end of the block, leaning against the box and closing his eyes. Everything was still spinning, though his memory was starting to clear up. He could remember telling Crowley that he wouldn’t kill anybody for him, and then he remembered the three men grabbing him and slamming him against the wall. But after that, everything was a blank.

He opened his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath, fishing in his pocket and pulling out a quarter and pushing it into the slot. He picked up the phone, dialing the first number that came to his mind: Dean’s.

The phone rang about four times before Dean picked up, his husky voice coming through the speaker.

“Hello?” He asked. He was out of breath, and he sounded almost annoyed by the fact that somebody was calling him. Castiel cleared his throat.

“Hi, Dean… it’s Cas.”

“Cas?” Dean gasped. He heard some shuffling on the other end, and then Dean’s voice became clearer. “Where the hell are you man? We haven’t heard from you in like… three days!”

“Three days?” Castiel’s eyes widened. How long had he been passed out in that alleyway? “What… what day is it?”

“It’s Thursday. Castiel, you’re not high, are you?” The tone of Dean’s voice was grave; angry, even, and it made Castiel’s heart clench. Regardless of this, he managed to snort a short laugh.

“I wish I was.” He answered. And it was the truth. For the first time in month, Castiel wished he was high. He wished that he could just curl up in a ball in Luc’s arms (that was something he hadn’t wished for since before he went to rehab) and shoot up.

Castiel could hear Dean shouting at someone that they ‘need to go home’ on the other end of the phone, and this brought him back to reality. “I’m coming to get you.” He spoke to Castiel now. “Where are you?”

“I’m in front of my building.” Castiel answered quietly. “Dean, you don’t need to come get me… I’ll be fine on my own.” Even as Castiel spoke, he knew that what he was saying was a blatant lie and Dean was never going to buy it. He was sure that he sounded just as horrible as felt, and he knew for certain that he needed medical assistance. He felt like he was going to fall apart at any given moment. His wrist was broken, and he was sure that his shoulder was dislocated too. Of course, it was hard to pinpoint exactly what was broken when his entire body was just one throbbing mass of bruises.

“Bull shit. I’m on my way right now. Stay where you are.” Ad with those words Dean hung up the phone. Castiel sighed, hanging the receiver up and slumping down onto the ground to lean against the payphone pole. He drifted off to sleep after that, the world slowly fading away until all that was left was black.

Castiel awoke to Dean frantically shaking him and saying his name. With every shake Castiel felt his shoulder throb with pain, and he whimpered loudly, swatting Dean’s hand away. The man immediately stopped shaking him, cupping his face.

“Cas, you awake?” He asked. Castiel nodded, blinking up at Dean slowly. The man had the most terrified look on his face, as if he had seen a ghost. Castiel wondered just how horrible his injuries must be if Dean looked that scared.

“I’m fine, Dean… I…” He tried to get up, and Dean helped him to his feet. Cas stumbled a little, leaning against Dean for support. The man wrapped an arm tightly around his waist, holding him up. “I’ll be fine.”

“It doesn’t look like you’ll be fine.” Dean said, frowning at his friend. Cas shook his head, holding his stomach as a wave of nausea overtook him. He groaned softly, closing his eyes.

“I’m really okay.” He said weakly. Dean rolled his eyes.

“As if!"

“I’m really okay.” He said weakly. Dean rolled his eyes.

“As if! You’re about to keel over and die right here in the street, Cas. We’re getting you to the hospital.”

Castiel sighed, annoyed, but allowed Dean to help him to the Impala anyway. Once he was in the passenger seat and Dean had buckled him in, the man hopped into the driver’s seat and started the car. As he pulled down the street he glanced over at his friend.

“What the fuck happened to you, man?”

“I got beat up.” Castiel answered simply. Dean rolled his eyes.

“No shit, Sherlock. I mean… where the hell have you been? You’ve been missing for three days! You didn’t show up to work… Gabriel was frantic.”

“And you?” The question was out of Cas’s mouth before he could even think about it. Dean was silent for a few seconds before he responded.

“I was worried sick.” He answered quietly, frowning. Castiel sighed, looking out of the window.

“It’s a long story, Dean…” He said. Dean scowled.

“I’ve got all the time in the world, Cas. You can tell me… is it drugs? Are you back on heroin?”

“No.” Castiel answered quickly, shaking his head. “No, Dean. I’m still clean. I just…” he sighed, looking down at his lap. “I did something bad.”

“Something bad?” Dean raised an eyebrow, his hands clenching around the steering wheel. Castiel nodded, tears filling his eyes.

“I didn’t know, at the time, that it was a bad thing. I mean, Crowley was so nice… but...”

“But, what? Who’s Crowley?” Dean asked. Castiel wiped his eyes and shook his head.

“He’s this guy, Dean. I met him near the bank… and… he leant me some money. But now…” Castiel took a deep breath, and Dean spoke.

“He wants you to pay him back?” 

“No, dean. He- he wanted me to kill somebody for him!” Castiel announced, then started crying again. Hips head was spinning with all of these emotions and tears. He sniffled, rubbing his now puffy eyes. “I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t kill for him. I… I told him no. And then…”

“He beat you up.” Dean finished Castiel’s sentence. The boy nodded, looking over at Dean desperately. 

“He wants me to pay him back in three months. It’s $8,000 Dean… I don’t have that kind of money.”

“Jesus Christ, Cas.” Dean breathed, scowling. 

"He knows where I live, Dean! He knows where I work... oh, God." He started to shake. "He's going to kill me."

There was a long stretch of silence between the two men, which Castiel promptly filled with his loud cries. Finally Dean pulled the Impala to a stop in front of the hospital, turning to look at Cas.

“Do you want to move in with me?” he asked. Castiel stopped crying, looking up at Dean with wide blue eyes and hiccupping.

“W-what?”

“We can be roommates. This Crowley guy doesn’t know me… you’ll be safe at my place. We can be roommates.”

Castiel wiped his eyes and looked at Dean, surprised. He swallowed. “Are you… are you serious?”

“Yes.” Dean said, then sighed. “Look, sleep on it, okay? Right now, we need to get you inside to see a doctor. You do know that you’re bleeding, right?”

“I am?” Cas asked, and Dean pointed to his leg where there was a rip in his pants and blood was pouring out. He frowned and touched it, hissing as his fingers ran over the cut.

“Come on.” Dean opened the door and climbed out of the car, then jogged around the Chevy and helped his friend out of the car. Castiel limped beside Dean, using the man to support most of his body weight. His head was still spinning, and despite the fact that he had nothing in his stomach, he felt the compelling urge to vomit.

The two men walked into the ER and a nurse immediately approached them, asking for their names. Dean gave all of the information, considering that Cas was hardly even able to stand up straight, let alone articulate a sentence. Finally, when the nurse had all of the information she needed, she turned to Cas and reached out to touch his arm.

“Come on, sweetie, let’s go get you patched up.”

“Meg?” He asked quietly, squinting at the nurse before bending over and vomiting up stomach acid on her plain white shoes. She sighed, helping him to his feet.

“Alright, big boy. It looks like you’ve got a concussion. Let’s get you to see the doctor, alright?”

“Okay.” Castiel mumbled, a hand on his stomach. He started to walk away with the nurse, then turned around and gave Dean a wobbly smile.

“Thank you for everything, Dean.” He said. The man shrugged, pulling out a cigarette and putting it in his mouth.

“No problem, buddy.” He said. Then he walked over to the waiting area, lighting his cigarette on the way and going to sit in the small room where he would wait to find out if Cas really was okay or not.


	10. Moving In

It wound up that Castiel had a stage 2 concussion, a shattered wrist, a dislocated shoulder, and a broken nose. The doctor told Cas that he had gotten off lucky. But Castiel didn’t feel very lucky at all.

Evidentially Dean had called Gabriel, because as soon as the doctor finished wrapping him up and he got back to his room, his brother was waiting for him. He hugged Cas as soon as he saw him, squeezing him tightly. Cas whimpered slightly and Gabriel let him go, kissing his cheek.

“I was so worried about you, Cassie. You just disappeared…”

“I’m sorry.” Castiel said, sitting down on his hospital bed. Gabriel shook his head.

“What happened to you? Dean told me you got beat up, but he didn’t say much.” Gabriel frowned, sitting down beside his brother. Castiel shrugged.

“I just got jumped. A couple thugs on the street saw me walking home and robbed me.” Castiel lied, not wanting to worry his brother. Gabriel, of course, wasn’t buying it. Castiel figured that his brother probably suspected that he was back on drugs, just as Dean had.

“They sure did lay you out. What did they take?”

“I only had a few bucks on me.” Castiel said softly, running his fingers through his hair. He sighed, scooting back on the bed. He yawned loudly. “Look, Gabe, I’m pretty tired.”

“Alright.” Gabriel said, frowning at his brother. He didn’t move from his spot on the bed, though. Castiel shrugged, laying down and turning away from his brother. He closed his eyes and was drifting off when he heard his brother’s quiet voice behind him.

“Are you on drugs, Cas?” His voice was almost shaky, his tone concerned. Castiel shifted slightly in the bed, turning his face up so that he could speak.

“No, Gabriel. I promise.”

There was silence for a few moments, and then the bed dipped and Gabriel got up. He tucked his brother in, patting him on the shoulder.

“Alright. Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Castiel simply moaned in response, already drifting off to sleep.

When he woke, the sun was up. Castiel opened his eyes, rolling over and looking up at the plain white ceiling. His stomach growled loudly and his hand traveled to his stomach as he frowned. He heard somebody chuckle beside him and turned to see Gabriel sitting there. He smiled softly at his brother.

“Hey. What time is it?”

“It’s almost 11 o’clock. I figured you would be waking up soon, so I picked up some burgers.” He held up a white Roy Rogers bag, smiling at his brother. Castiel licked his lips, sitting up straight and reaching for the bag.

“Thank you so much, Gabe.” He said, pulling out the first hamburger and unwrapping it quickly. He took a big bite, moaning softly and rolling his eyes. Gabriel chuckled.

“Calm down, brother. We don’t want you climaxing all over this hospital bed.”

“Shut up.” Castile said through a mouthful of food, wiping his mouth and swallowing. Then he looked at his brother, serious. “You weren’t here all night, were you?”

“No. I went home and got a few hours of shut eye before coming back here around 10. You’ve been asleep since about 2 AM.”

Castiel nodded. “Thank you for being here, anyway.” He said, taking a big bite of his burger and smiling at his brother. Gabriel shrugged.

“You’re my brother, it’s my job. Whatever you need, Cassie, I’ll be here for you.”

Castiel raised his eyebrows, snorting out a laugh and shaking his head. “Three brothers and two sisters and you’re the only one who even cares about me. You know, they don’t even call me on Christmas.”

“Cas, you know they love you.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “That’s not true, Gabe. Michael went off to war and came back and he didn’t even call me. Besides you, nobody in our family has even cared to visit me since I turned 18. Mom hasn’t invited me back home in six years. They hate me, Gabriel, there’s no question about it.”

Cas’s older brother sighed, looking away from him. “I’m sorry, Cassie. You know that if I could help, I would. But the truth is that our family is just a bunch of religious pig heads… and there’s no changing that.” 

The two brothers fell silent, until Gabriel patted him on the shoulder and smiled at him. “At least you’ve got me. I care about you. And you’ve got Dean too.”

Castiel laughed a little, shaking his head. “Dean… He asked me to move in with him, you know.”

“What? When?” Gabriel’s mouth dropped open. Castiel shrugged.

“‘Last night. He said we could be roommates, or something.”

Gabriel grinned. “That big old Clydesdale asked you to be his roommate? He wants you, you know.” He chuckled, winking at his brother. “Did you say yes?”

“I said I’d sleep on it.” Castiel blushed, looking down at his nails and picking at them. Gabriel rolled his eyes.

“As if you even need to think about it. I know that you want to be with that panty-wearing freak just as much as he wants to be with you.”

Castiel frowned, blushing. “Would you shut up, Gabe?” He whispered. Gabriel laughed.

“I’m just teasing, Cas. Do you want to get out of here? I can take you back home… or you can come by my apartment and hang out.”

“That sounds good. I would like that, thank you.” Castiel said, smiling at his brother. Gabriel nodded, getting up from his seat and stretching.

“Alright then, I’ll go sign you out of here. Get dressed.”

“Okay.” Castiel said, watching his brother leave. He slowly got up from the bed, stretching his arms a little. He whimpered in pain, rubbing at his shoulder. He sighed, walking slowly over to the shelf where his clothes lay. He carefully dressed himself, though it took longer than it normally would have considering his injured wrist.

By the time that Castiel was fully dressed, Gabriel had returned. He wrapped an arm around Cas’s shoulder, leading him out of the hospital room and down the hall.

Two hours later, Castiel was sitting on Gabriel’s couch, laughing at some joke that his brother had made. He cackled and clutched his side, squeezing his eyes shut as tears filled his eyes.

“Stop it Gabriel, you’re killing me.” He laughed. Gabriel grinned.

“Oh, stop being so dramatic. Anyway, you know that Sister Doris had it coming.”

“She didn’t deserve for you to fill her desk with frogs!” Castiel yelled, then burst into another fit of laughter. He leaned against the back of the couch, shaking his head and wiping his eyes. “I still can’t believe that it was you who did that. I never knew!”

“Nobody did.” Gabriel grinned, biting his lips. “In fact, I think that you and Michael are the only people who know about it.” He frowned slightly, looking over at Castiel. “Don’t tell mom.”

“You think she would still care?” Castiel chuckled.

“She’d take me over her knee!” Gabriel laughed, slapping his leg. Castiel burst into another fit of giggles, shaking his head.

“Alright, your secret is safe with me. It’s not like she’s calling me any time soon, anyway.”

Gabriel’s smile wavered a little and he cleared his throat. “Right… do you want something to drink? I just bought some of that fancy German beer from the Big Buy on the high way.”

Castiel couldn’t help the way he burst out laughing at Gabriel’s words. It took him a full minute to stop laughing, and even then, he was still giggling as he spoke.

“You bought… _fancy beer_ … from the Big Buy?”

“Shut the fuck up.” Gabriel snorted, standing up and walking to the kitchen. Castiel burst into another fit of laughter, clutching his side as he laid back on the couch and laughed freely. His laughter was just starting to ease up when the phone beside the couch started to ring.

“Could you pick that up for me?” Gabriel called. Castiel smirked.

“You want me to pick up the phone just like you picked up that fancy beer form the highway?>” He called.

“Shut up and answer the phone, penis-breath!”

Castiel laughed again, reaching for the phone and picking it up. He brought it to his ear.

“Hello?” He said. Dean’s voice crackled through the speaker on the other end.

“Hey, Gabe. It’s Dean.”

“Oh, hey Dean. It’s not Gabe, though, it’s Castiel.”

“Oh! Hey Cas.” Castiel could swear that he _heard_ Dean smiling. “How’re you feeling?”

“Better than I did yesterday.” He said, sighing. “My wrist is broken, and so is my nose, but other than that I’m pretty good.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Have you, uh… have you thought about coming to live over here? I have an extra bedroom and it would be nice to have someone to help pay rent.”

“Yeah, I actually have been thinking about it.” As Castiel spoke, Gabriel walked back into the room and set a beer down in front of his brother. Cas smiled a little at Gabriel before speaking again. “I think it would work. I mean… uh… yeah.” Cas cleared his throat, falling silent.

“Who is it?” Gabriel whispered, sipping on his beer. Castiel waves him off, focusing on what Dean was saying.

“Great!” Dean’s voice was happy on the other end. “You can start moving your stuff in as soon as you like. The apartment might be a little cramped at first, but I think we’ll manage.”

“Yeah, I think we can make it work.” He said softly, licking his lips. “Listen, Dean… I think there’s something you need to know about me, before we become roommates.” Castiel said, swallowing nervously. Gabriel’s eyes widened as he watched his brother.

“It’s fine, Cas. You’re my best friend and I doubt that anything is going to change the way I feel about living with you.”

“I… uh… I’m not so sure about that. You see, Dean… I’m…”

“Seriously, Cas. It’s fine. I already know.” Dean said. Cas’s eyes widened.

“You- you already know?” He frowned slightly. How did Dean know? Was he that obvious? Castiel looked over at his brother, who was also frowning. That’s when he heard Dean’s voice.

“Yeah, man. I mean, it takes one to know one, right?” He chuckled lightly. This only made Castiel’s frown deepen.

“What are you talking about, Dean?”

“Drugs. Well, in my case, alcohol, but for you, drugs. And I just want you to know that I don’t judge you in the least for being a former junky. As long as you stay clean, we’ll be fine.”

“Oh.” Castiel bit his lips. “Of course, that’s what you meant. But, Dean…”

“Cas, I have to go. Sam is beeping in from California and I’ve got to take his call.” Dean interrupted him. Castiel was silent for a moment before he responded.

“Of course, Dean. Say hi for me.”

“Will do. I’ll call you back so we can make plans for lunch sometime this week.”

“Sounds peachy.” Castiel said, and then Dean hung up. Cas sighed, putting the phone down on the receiver and throwing himself back into the couch. He whimpered a little on the impact, rubbing his shoulder. Gabriel looked at him expectantly.

“What was that?” he asked. Castiel rolled his eyes.

“That was bogus, is what it was.” Ad that was all he said before grabbing his beer and taking a long sip.

Gabriel didn’t ask his brother any more questions after that.

Cas met Dean for lunch two days later, and his bags were all packed up by the end of the week. Dean picked him up from work on Saturday afternoon to go get his bags from his old apartment and start moving him in to Dean’s.

“Have I told you how thankful I am for letting me live with you, Dean?” Castiel asked as they loaded up the trunk of the Impala with Cas’s suitcases. The man shrugged, lighting a cigarette and leaning against the car to watch Cas pack his things.

“You don’t need to thank me, man. You’re paying half the rent anyway.”

“I know.” Castiel said, closing the trunk and looking over at Dean with a smile on his face. “But I’m still thankful.”

“You’re acting like a chick.” Dean grumbled, taking a long drag on his cigarette and walking over to the driver’s side door. Castiel rolled his eyes and walked over to the passenger seat, climbing in beside Dean.

“Can I turn the radio on?” he asked. Dean shrugged, rolling down the window before starting the car. Castiel pressed the button the radio, turning up the volume. Queen blasted through the speakers, and while Castiel would usually be happy to hear his favorite band on the radio, right now he wasn’t too excited.

_“Ooh you’re my best friend that I ever had, I’ve been with you such a long time... You’re my sunshine and I want you to know, that my feelings are true, I really love you… Oh you’re my best friend…”_

Castiel closed his eyes, groaning inwardly. Of all the songs to come onto the radio, why did it have to be this one? He was tempted to just turn the radio off, but he was sure that Dean would take notice of that and catch on to _why_ exactly the song made Castiel so uncomfortable.

Lucky for him, Dean reached out and changed the station anyway. “I’m not in the mood for Queen right now… they always get stuck in my head and then I’m humming for days.” He explained, surfing through the stations and stopping on one that was playing Don’t Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult.

“Now this,” Dean said, bringing his cigarette to his lips and taking a drag. “This is music.”

Castiel smiled and sat back in his seat, relaxing. He could tell that living with Dean would be a good thing. He just knew that it would all pan out great in the end.


	11. Back to Rehab

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean kicks Castiel out of the apartment for his date with Lisa and Castiel goes back to rehab, only to meet Balthazar's new roommate, the biggest dick he's ever met.  
> TW: Homophobic Language

“You need to get out of the apartment tomorrow.” Dean said to Castiel as he walked over to the kitchen table, sitting across from his friend and setting down two ham and cheese sandwiches. Castiel picked his up, frowning slightly.

“Why? Little House on the Prairie is on tomorrow and I was looking forward to watching it.” Castiel had been living with Dean for little more than a week at this point. So far, thing had been going smooth.

Dean squinted at Cas. “You are _not_ watching Little House on the Prairie on my TV. That show is for teenage girls, not grown ass men.”

Castiel’s jaw clenched and a million snippy responses ran through his head. He almost said: _If grown men like you can wear pink satin panties, why can’t they watch Little House on the Prairie?_ But he stopped himself before he said it, shaking his head a little.

“What’s going on tomorrow? Why can’t I stay here?”

“I’ve got a date.” Dean’s lips twitched a little. he took a bite of his sandwich, swallowing it down before he spoke again. “This girl, Cas, I swear… she’s absolutely bodacious.” He chuckled, taking another big bite if his sandwich.

Castiel forced a laugh, smiling at Dean. He put his sandwich back down on the plate, suddenly not feeling very hungry anymore.

“She sounds… she sounds really nice. What’s her name?”

“Lisa. She’s really something else, Cas. And she’s wicked in bed.”

Castiel smiled, uncomfortable, and began to tap his fingers on the table. He was silent, and Dean must have found this weird, because the man frowned at Cas.

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. I guess I’ll just go see Balthazar tomorrow, or something. Do you think I should crash at Gabe’s?”

Dean’s frown deepened when Cas mentioned Balthazar, but he didn’t say anything to the effect of Castiel’s impending visit to the man. Instead, he simply shrugged.

“Do whatever you want, man. I just need the apartment to myself for a few hours while Lisa and I… get horizontal.” He smirked slightly, finishing his sandwich and then standing up. He pointed to Cas’s food. “Are you going to finish that?”

“Uh… no.” Castiel said, sliding his plate towards Dean and standing up. “I have to go to work soon. I’m going to grab a shower and then go out.”

“Alright. You want a ride?” Dean asked, walking into the kitchen. Castiel shrugged.

“If it’s not too much trouble. Otherwise, I’ll just walk.”

“I’ll drive you.” Dean said. Castiel smiled a little, stretching and walking off t the bathroom to take a shower.

The next day Castiel showed up at the rehab center, a pack of cigarettes hidden in his shoe and a box of cookies from the supermarket in his hands. He walked up to the reception desk, where his favorite nurse was sitting writing on a notepad. He smiled and tapped on the table top.

“Hey there, cutie pie.” Castiel smirked. Meg scowled.

“Excuse me?” She snapped, then looked up to see Castiel smiling at her. She gasped, a grin spreading across her face. “Clarence! My, is it good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too.” He smiled, holding out the box of cookies to her. “I brought you these.”

“Aww, how sweet.” She grinned, taking the box of cookies from him and standing up. She walked around the reception desk, hugging Cas tightly. He carefully wrapped his arms around her, smiling softly. “Why don’t you come around here more often?”

“I’ve been pretty busy.” Castiel shrugged. Meg nodded, smiling.

“I bet. You got a job, didn’t you?”

“I did.” Castiel nodded. “I also moved in with my sponsor. He’s helped me a lot.” Castiel said, his lips twitching a little as he thought about Dean. But then he thought about what Dean was probably doing at that very moment, to Lisa, and he frowned.

“I’m glad to hear it, Clarence. Now, I’m assuming you’re here to see Balthazar, you’re old roommate?”

“Who else?” Castiel smiled to think of his old friend. Meg chuckled.

“Of course… you two were quite the sight to see when you were here. You running around with your blonde hair and Balthazar with his… illegal contraband.” She laughed. “You aren’t sneaking anything in for him, are you?”

Castiel blinked. “Of course not.” He smiled. “Where is he? The living room or his bedroom?”

“He should be in his room. Visiting hours are over… but I’ll make an acceptation this one last time.” Meg smiled, winking at Cas. The man grinned and leaned in, kissing Meg’s cheek.

“You’re the best.” He said, walking off through the living room and up the stairs. It didn’t even take him a moment to find his and Balthazar’s old bedroom. He knocked on the door, leaning against the doorframe and waiting for the door to open. It swung back a few minutes later to reveal Balthazar. The blonde man gasped as a huge smile spread across his face, and he threw his arms around Castiel.

“Cassie!” He gasped, picking the man up and spinning him around and around. Cas laughed, smiling up at his old friend.

“I missed you too, Zar.” He chuckled. Balthazar grinned, placing a chaste kiss on Cas’s lips before pulling him into his bedroom. He closed the door and turned the light on. Someone in the bed on the left side sat up, rubbing their eyes.

“What the fuck is going on, Balthazar?” The man growled. Balthazar rolled his eyes and threw a pillow at the man.

“Shut up and go back to sleep, Uriel.” He snapped, pulling Castiel over to sit on his bed. He smiled at the man. “This is such a nice surprise, Cas.”

“I brought you something.” Cas said, taking his shoe off and handing Balthazar the cigarettes. Balthazar grinned and took them, opening up the pack. He pulled out one of the cigarettes, crawling across his bed over to his dresser.

“Hey, you’re not supposed to have those in here.” Uriel said, looking over at Baltahzar. The English man rolled his eyes.

“Mind your own bloody business and go back to sleep, Uriel.” He snapped, grabbing a lighter from his dresser drawer and lighting up the cigarette. He brought it to his lips, sighing contentedly and closing his eyes.

“Oh God, Cas, I really love you sometimes.” He mumbled around the cigarette, sitting up and smiling at the man. “What brings you back here?”

“My… uh… my roommate kicked me out of our apartment for the night and I figured it was about time that I paid you a visit.”

“Who’s your roommate?” Balthazar asked, holding the smoldering cigarette between his fingers. “Surely he isn’t a better roommate than I was.”

“Nobody could be as good a roommate as you, Zar.” Castiel chuckled, slugging Balthazar in the arm.

“I can think of quite a few people who are better roommates than you, Balthazar.” Uriel snapped from the other side of the room. Balthazar scowled, glancing over at the black man.

“I told you to shut up and go to fucking bed. Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something here?”

“Fuck you, Balthazar.” Uriel hissed, rolling over and pressing his face into his pillow. Balthazar snorted and shook his head.

“This guy… I swear. It’s like living with the Gestapo.” He rolled his eyes, taking a long drag on his cigarette. “He’s better than the last roommate I had, anyway. He never tried to kill me, at least.”

“I’ve thought about it, trust me.” Uriel said from his bed. Balthazar shrugged, ignoring his roommate and clapping Castiel on the shoulder. Cas whimpered slightly, rubbing at his shoulder.

“What happened to you?” He asked, his eyes flickering down to Cas’s wrapped wrist. The man shrugged.

“I had a run in with some unfriendly men. But it’s taken care of now.”

Balthazar frowned slightly, but nodded. “Alright… you never answered my question. Who’s your roommate?”

“He’s my sponsor. Dean Winchester.”

“Dean? As in the Dean who used to come and visit you every day during rec? That Dean?”

“Uh… yeah.” Castiel responded, blushing. Balthazar grinned, clapping his hands together.

“Oh, Cassie! You’re all grown up now, you’ve moved in with that stud sponsor of yours… are you boinking him?”

“Boinking him?” Uriel rolled over in his bed, glaring at Balthazar and Cas. “You two are a bunch of fags!”

“Do you want me to break your bloody nose, Uriel?” Balthazar growled, glaring at his roommate. “Because you know I will. I haven’t got a problem with it.”

“As if. You wouldn’t want to mess up your _probation_.” Uriel snorted. Castiel raised an eyebrow at his friend.

“Probation?” He asked. Balthazar blushed and shrugged.

“They’re… uh… they’re thinking about letting me out of here. Henrikson’s got me on a sort of probation. They’re monitoring me to see if I’m ready to go back to the real world.”

“Oh my God, Zar!” Castiel gasped, throwing his arms around the blonde. Balthazar laughed, hugging cas back.

“It’s not that big of a deal.” He murmured. Cas shook his head.

“It _is_ , though. Oh, Balthazar, I’m so proud of you. You deserve this.” He smiled, pulling back and looking at his friend. “How long have you been here, again?”

“About 24 months. Almost two years.” He licked his lips. “I can’t wait to get out of this hell hole.”

“What’re you going to do when you get loose?” Castiel grinned. Balthazar shrugged.

“I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll track down my mother, or something. She might be sort of happy to see me.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Yeah.” Balthazar chuckled, reaching out to push Castiel’s hair from his face. “Do you want to have sex with me?”

“That _better_ be sarcasm.” Uriel said from his bed. Balthazar ignored him, continuing to stroke Cas’s face. The man chuckled.

“No, Zar, I don’t want to have sex with you. I kind of… I kind of like someone.” Cas blushed. Balthazar grinned.

“Dean?” He asked, shaking his head when Castiel blushed. He smiled. “I always knew you were in love with that bloke. We all did. It was so obvious.”

Castiel blushed harder. “I’m not that obvious…”

“Oh, Cassie, I knew from the moment I walked into this room and saw you sitting on your bed that you were a flamer. And what’s even more obvious than that is that you are totally in love with Dean Winchester.”

“Shut up.” Castiel blushed, punching Balthazar’s arm.

“Why don’t you both shut up?” Uriel asked from his bed. Castiel sighed.

“I should probably be going, Zar. It was so nice seeing you.” He leaned in, kissing Balthazar gently on the cheek.

“You’re leaving already?” He asked. Cas nodded.

“I have work tomorrow. You salvage those cigarettes, now.” He smiled.

“Alright. I’ll give you a call when I get out of here. We can do lunch, or something.”

Castiel nodded, smiling. “I like that idea a lot.”


	12. Are You Drunk?

Castiel crashed at Gabriel’s and returned home around noon the night after Dean’s date. He walked into the apartment, hanging up his coat and toeing his shoes off. The apartment was oddly quiet, and Castiel wondered if Dean was still asleep. And that thought of Dean sleeping fostered the question: who exactly was he sleeping _with_?

Castiel walked into the kitchen and turned the faucet on, running warm water over the dirty dishes there and opening up the fridge. He started pulling out ingredients to make lunch with, and was so wrapped up in his task that he didn’t even notice Dean walking into the kitchen.

“How was it visiting Balthazar?” he asked, holding a cigarette between his fingers and blowing smoke out of his mouth towards Cas. The man frowned over at Dean.

“You know that smoking those’ll kill you one of these days.” He said, grabbing a bowl and cracking some eggs into it. Dean shrugged.

“Who cares?” He asked, placing the cigarette back in his mouth and leaning against the kitchen counter. Castiel raised an eyebrow.

“What’s the matter with you?” he asked, putting the whisk he was holding down and chopping up some onions and little trees of broccoli. He glanced over at Dean, who shrugged again and turned away.

“Nothing’s the matter with me. What the matter with you?” He snapped. Castiel scowled, setting his knife down and turning to look at Dean a little closer.

“Dean, are you _drunk_?” he asked, squinting at his best friend. Dean didn’t move, his fists balling up on the counter.

“Does it really matter if I am?” He replied after a few seconds, his jaw clenched. Castiel took a step forward, touching Dean on the shoulder.

“Dean, tell me what happened.”

Dean rolled his eyes and crushed up his cigarette in the ash tray, turning to face Castiel. He sighed, and Cas smelled that his breath wreaked of whiskey. His nose scrunched up and he took a step back, frowning at Dean.

“Lisa called things off between us this morning, before she left. I just had a little drink, is all.”

“At 12 in the afternoon?” Castiel raised an eyebrow. Dean shrugged, looking away from Cas. The man scowled. “Dean, you were more than two years sober!”

“It was just one drink!” Dean yelled. Cas scoffed.

“That’s exactly what I said every time I tried to get better and then slipped back into it, Dean. It’ll start with ‘just one drink’, but it’s all downhill from there!”

“Yeah, well, I’m not a junky, Cas. I’m not like you!” He snapped, storming past Castiel and into the living room. Castiel’s jaw clenched and his nostrils flared.

“I’m calling Sam!” he yelled. Dean turned to glare at him.

“Don’t you dare! Sammy’s got nothing to do with this!” He pointed a finger at Cas. The man snorted in response.

“Well, then, what am I supposed to do?”

“Just drop it, Cas. I’m fine, everyone’s fine. I’m just… I’m dealing, okay? And this is how I deal.”

“It’s not healthy.” Castiel said, dialing Sam’s number and holding the phone up to his ear. Dean ran over, slamming the phone back into the receiver.

“I said not to call him, Cas. It’s none of his business, anyway.”

“Dean, I’m worried about you.” Castiel said, frowning. Dean rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, well, it’s none of your business either.”

“If it’s not my business and it’s not Sam’s business, whose business is it then?” Castiel snapped, crossing his arms over his chest.

“It’s my business and no one else’s!” He huffed angrily. Dean shook his head, looking away from Cas. “Look, man, I’m going to bed. Don’t get your panties in too big of a knot while I’m asleep.”

Castiel rolled his eyes and turned back to the stove, picking up the bowl of raw eggs and whisking it angrily. “Yeah, because _I’m_ the one with the panties.” He grumbled under his breath. He poured the egg batter into a pan on the stove turning the burner on high and watching his omelet fry.

It was three hours before Dean emerged from his room again. Castiel was sitting on the couch reading when Dean walked slowly into the room, rubbing his eyes. He ran his fingers through his bed head, giving Cas a sheepish look as he sat down at the end of the couch. Cas pulled his legs in, frowning at hs friend.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“Shh.” Dean shushed him, rubbing his head. Then he sighed, looking back over at Cas. “I’m sorry about earlier… I was being a total ass.”

“Yeah, well, it’s fine. You were drunk.” He smiled tightly at Dean. The man sighed, shaking his head.

“It’s not okay. I shouldn’t have gotten drunk in the first place… and then I called you a junky. That was hurtful of me and I’m sorry.”

Castiel shrugged, licking his lips and trying to turn his attention back to the book. He didn’t want to think about what Dean had called him. He didn’t want to think at all, at that moment, actually. He just wanted to read his book. Sadly, Dean didn’t seem to want to let this go.

“Are you mad at me?”

“Why do you care?” He asked, frowning. “In fact, I would go as far as to say that its _none of your business. _”__

__Dean bit his lip. “So… I take it you are angry at me.” He murmured. Castiel rolled his eyes, setting his book down in his lap._ _

__“Of course I’m angry, Dean! You got _drunk_. God only knows how many drinks you even had!”_ _

__“It was only four or five…” Dean murmured, looking down. Castiel scowled._ _

__“I’m so angry at you. I’m so disappointed. After nearly three years if sobriety, you go and get wasted. And for what? Because some _broad_ turned you down for a lay!” Castiel seethed, narrowing his eyes at Dean. “Who even is this chick? What makes her so… so special that you need to get drunk over her?” Castiel yelled. He quickly went quiet after that, though, realizing that he had been speaking out of jealousy rather than concern for his friend. A small blush spread over his cheeks but he kept his facial expression serious, his eyes trained on Dean’s face._ _

__Dean looked down at his lap, biting his lips. Then he looked back up at Cas, his green eyes glittering in the lamp light. “I’m sorry, Cas. You’re my best friend and I know you care about me, and I messed up. I messed up big time. Please forgive me.”_ _

__Castiel sighed and nodded, finally looking away from Dean. “Just promise me… promise me that it won’t happen again.”_ _

__“It won’t. I swear. In fact…,” Dean hopped up, grabbing the half empty bottle of whiskey that was sitting on top of the TV and throwing it in the trash. He smiled down at Cas. “There. See? It’s all gone.”_ _

__Castiel smiled a little, nodding. “Thank you, Dean.”_ _

__“No, Cas. Thank you.” He ruffled his friend’s hair, then turned around and walked away. But as he went, Castiel couldn’t help but catch sight of some pale blue lace poking out over the hem of Dean’s jeans. And so, Castiel was left reeling with confusion about Dean’s sexual orientation on the couch once more._ _

____

\---

It snowed in early December. It wasn’t a very heavy snow, but Castiel still hated it. The cold always got to him, and more often than not he found himself shivering under three to four layers of clothing. Dean teased him relentlessly for it, though the man never once denied Castiel a sweater when he asked for it.

Cas was out Christmas shopping with Gabriel at that moment. Gabriel had bag after bag of items in his arms, while all Castiel had was a handful of band tee shirts and a bag that contained a little gold fish. Gabriel looked over at his brother, pointing to the gold fish in his hands.

“I think that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever bought.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Gabriel. You’ll hurt Barbara’s feelings.”

‘You named your gold fish Barbara?” Gabriel asked, raising an eyebrow. Cas blushed.

“Yeah. So?”

“ _Why?_ ” Gabriel asked. Castiel rolled his eyes.

“After Barbara Streisand, okay? Are you happy?”

Gabriel burst out laughing at that and had to put his bags down for a few moments before he could regain composure. Still chuckling, he looked back over at his brother.

“You named your goldfish… after Barbara… fucking… Streisand?” he burst out laughing again, tears pooling in his eyes. Once he got his breath back again, he continued to speak. “What if it’s a boy?”

“It’s not. The guy at the pet shop said she was a girl.”

“So you named her after Barbara Streisand.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Castiel scowled. Gabriel chuckled, shaking his head.

“You’re so queer, I swear to God.”

“Fuck you, Gabe.” He said again. The man laughed loudly, grinning at his brother. They walked on for a few minutes in silence. Finally, Gabriel spoke.

“What did you get me?” he asked. Castiel squinted at Gabriel.

“Why would I tell you that?” 

The man shrugged. “I don’t know. What did you get for Dean?”

“I got him some tee shirts.” Cas murmured. Gabriel smirked.

“Ooh, tee shirts. How intimate.” He wiggled his eyebrows. Castiel glared at his brother.

“Don’t be a jackass. I’m pretty sure he’s straight.”

“Every week it changes with you. One week you say he’s a flamer and then the next week you say he’s straight as a ruler. You know what I think?”

“What?” Castiel raised his eyebrows, looking over at his brother.

“I think you’re a moron.” He said simply. Castiel rolled his eyes and looked away, but Gabriel continued speaking. “I also think that Dean is queer. I mean, he wears women’s underwear, for God’s sake!”

“Could you lower your voice?” Castiel hissed, scowling. Gabriel gave Cas a pointed look.

“You know that it’s true.”

“Maybe he just likes the way it feels on his skin.” Castiel shrugged. Gabriel shook his head.

“Like I said, you’re an idiot, Castiel. That boy is just as much of a faggot as you are.”

“You shouldn’t use that word.” Castiel grumbled, looking down. Gabriel rolled his eyes.

“Bite me. Do you want a soda?” he asked, nodding towards the food court. Castiel shrugged.

“Sure.” They turned and started walking towards the food court. Gabriel looked over at Cas.

“What are you doing for Christmas?” He asked. Cas shrugged.

“I don’t know. Dean is going to Cali to spend it with his brother. I figured that maybe we could spend the day together.”

“I can spend the morning with you, but I’m going to Christmas dinner at mom’s.”

“Oh.” Castiel murmured. Gabriel looked at him sadly as they got into line for soda and pretzels.

“You’re welcome to come with me, if you’d like.”

“No, I’m not.” Castiel frowned at his brother. Gabriel sighed and stepped forward, prying his eyes off of his brother and looking at the cashier in front of him. 

“Do you guys have any Life Saver Soda?” He asked. The cashier nodded and Castiel gave his brother a dirty look.

“You’re going to drink that crap?”

“Shut up.” He snapped, then turned back to the cashier. “I’ll have one Life Saver Soda for me, and some diet Pepsi for this pain in the ass.” He gestured over his shoulder, towards Cas. “Also, I’d like one soft pretzel.”

“You got it.” The cashier said. Gabriel turned back to Cas, licking his lips.

“So… you’re just going to sit at home alone all night on Christmas.”

Cas shrugged. “Maybe I’ll go visit Balthazar at rehab, or something.”

“You still keep in touch with that guy?” Gabriel frowned slightly, and Cas shrugged.

“Yeah. I mean… he’s kind of my best friend.”

“I thought that Dean was your best friend.”

“He… he is… but… it’s different.” Cas said. Gabriel smirked and nudged Cas in the shoulder.

“Because you love him.”

Castiel blushed. “I don’t. I just… I care deeply for him on a… a very platonic level.”

Gabriel continued to smirk at his brother until they got their drinks and pretzel. As they walked away and Gabriel was still smirking at Cas, the man glared at his brother and nudged him in the ribs.

“Shut up.”

Gabriel smiled. “I didn’t say anything.”

“I _do not_ love Dean Winchester.”

“Whatever you say, brother. Whatever you say.”


	13. New Year's Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: LOTS OF SEX

_“I AM AN ANTICHRIST, I AM AN ANARCHIST… DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT BUT I KNOW HOW TO GET IT…”_ Balthazar sang over the Sex Pistols as they blasted on radio, pointing at Castiel as the man laughed, leaning against his bed.

“That doesn’t sound like a very Christmas-y song, Zar.” He chuckled. Balthazar shrugged, draping himself over the side of the bed and hanging upside down facing Castiel.

“This isn’t a very Christmas-y place, and yet you’re still here.”

“How could I miss Christmas with my best friend?” Castiel grinned up at Balthazar. The Englishman raised an eyebrow.

“Why didn’t you stay with Dean? I’m _sure_ that you wouldn’t mind being stuck under the mistletoe with that hunky roommate of yours.”

“He took a trip to Cali to see his kid brother, Sam. Plus, I wanted to spend the holiday with you.” Cas reached out and ruffled Balthazar’s hair. The man swatted his hand away, rolling over and reaching towards his bedside table. He opened up the drawer, pulling out a box of cigarettes and plucking one out. As he did so, he spoke.

“I’m hardly good company, Cassie. But thanks for coming.”

“Trust me Zar, you’re perfect company. Better than my family was, anyway. Christmas used to be a nightmare at my house.”

“No shit. You want a cigarette?” Balthazar held out a cigarette to Cas. He shook his head.

“No thanks, man. I read an article a few weeks ago that said that those things give you cancer.”

Balthazar shrugged, putting the cigarette to his lips and looking up at the ceiling. He blew the smoke from his nose, staying still for a few minutes. Finally he spoke.

“Did you eat? I think they’re still having Christmas dinner downstairs.”

“I’m not hungry. But we can go down there, if you’d like.”

Balthazar shook his head. “There’s nobody special down there. Ash and Ruby and the rest of the gang all got out a couple months ago.”

“Really? Even Samandriel?”

“Samandriel was the first to go.” Balthazar sighed, shaking his head. “God, do I miss that kid.”

“Has he come to visit?”

“No. Nobody has. You’re the only one.” Balthazar gave Castiel a crooked little smile. “Makes me think you might be in love with me, Cassie.” He wiggled his eyebrows and Cas rolled his eyes, shoving Balthazar in the shoulder.

“In your wildest dreams, maybe.” He laughed. Balthazar grinned, taking another drag on his cigarette. Cas cleared his throat, going serious.

“When are you getting out?”

“Two weeks from now.” Balthazar smiled. “I think I’m going to go to hair school when I get out.”

“Seriously?” Cas asked. Balthazar nodded.

“Yeah. I mean, that’s what I wanted to do before I got arrested for possession. And I’ve got some money saved up in a trust fund somewhere…” He trailed off, thinking. Cas smiled a little.

“It sounds like you’ve got it all planned out.”

“I do.” Balthazar smiled, then looked over at Cas. “Do you think I can do it?”

Castiel chuckled. “Zar, if one thing is for certain, it’s that you can do whatever the hell you set your mind to. No matter what it is, it seems like you’ve always got a plan for it.”

Balthazar smiled widely, crushing out his cigarette and leaning over to pull Cas into a bine crushing hug.

“Thank you, Castiel. Thank you.”

\---

Castiel picked Dean up from the airport with Dean’s Impala on January 30th. Dean hopped into the car, giving Cas a grateful smile. Cas smiled back at him.

“How was your trip?”

“It was good. Did you know that it’s like 60 degrees in California right now?”

“60 degrees? Jesus Christ, it’s below freezing here!” Castiel whistled. Dean chuckled, nodding.

“Yeah, it is pretty cold in this city.”

“Do you want to drive?” Cas asked, holding the keys up to Dean. The man shook his head.

“No. I’m way too tired for that… I trust you, Cas. Put her in gear.”

Castiel smiled and nodded, turning the key and pressing his foot against the pedal. He drove home and Dean slept. When they got back to the apartment, Cas was hesitant to wake Dean since he looked so peaceful. He did it anyway, though, and Dean smiling lazily at him as he woke up.

“We home?’ He breathed. Cas nodded, smiling at his best friend. Dean yawned and stretched, opening his car door and sticking his feet out.

“Thank God. I’ll tell you, it’s been too long.” He paused, grinning. “Do you smell that, Cas?”

“Smog and piss?” he asked, smirking a little. Dean grinned.

“It’s called authenticity.” He laughed, grinning at Cas. The dark haired man groaned.

“Shut the fuck up, Dean.” He said, popping the trunk and grabbing his friend’s bags. Dean grinned.

“Ah, you missed me.” He said. Castiel and Dean caught each other’s eye at that. 

Castiel wanted to say so many thing, from yes, I did, to every second I’m away from you I miss you, but he didn’t. Finally, they broke eye contact, and Cas handed one of Dean’s bags to him. Then he grabbed the other, closed the trunk, and followed Dean inside. As soon as they entered the apartment Dean collapsed on to the couch, groaning softly. The sound went straight to Cas’s dick, and he was grateful that he was wearing a large baggy sweater that covered his crotch area.

“Cas, you have no idea how bad I missed this.” Dean groaned as he stretched out on the couch. Cas smiled a little.

“I think I can imagine. Do you want me to make you something to eat? You must be starving.”

“No, man, it’s okay.” Dean sat up on the couch reaching for his bag and unzipping the front pouch. He pulled out a neatly wrapped present, tossing it to Castiel. “I got you something in Cali. Merry Christmas.”

Castiel smiled and sat down beside Dean on the couch. “Thank you, Dean.” He said, tearing it open. Dean watched, grinning, as Castiel pulled out the little present inside. It was a Vinyl of Queen’s newest album, Hot Space. Castiel chuckled, grinning widely.

“I love it.” He smiled up at Dean. “Queen is my favorite band.”

“I know.” Dean said. Cas looked back down at the present in his hands, still smiling.

“I got you something, too.” He set the Vinyl down on the coffee table and ran to his room, bringing back a neatly wrapped parcel. He handed it to Dean, who took it with greedy hands.

“What is it?” he asked, shaking the package. Cas chuckled.

“Just open it and you’ll see.” He laughed. Dean grinned and tore the package open, gasping at the contents. He quickly pulled out the two tee shirts that were wrapped up inside.

“ACDC _and_ Led Zeppelin? Oh, Cas, you’re spoiling me.” He said, grinning. Castiel blushed and rolled his eyes.

“It was nothing, Dean…” he said. Dean shook his head, putting the shirts down and leaning in to hug Cas.

“Thank you, buddy.” He said softly. Castiel smiled, wrapping his arms around Dean and patting his back.

“Merry Christmas, Dean.” He whispered.

The next day was New Year’s Eve. Dean slept in, and when he woke up the apartment was empty. Castile had left a note that said he was going shopping. Dean took a long, relaxing shower before brewing up a pot of coffee. Just as he was pouring himself a cup, the door to the apartment swung open and Cas walked in, his arms full of groceries.

“Hey.” Dean called, walking over to help Cas out. Castiel smiled softly at Dean.

“Hey. Did you sleep well?” he asked. Dean shrugged.

“I guess. The jet lag really got me good.”

“I bet. You look exhausted.” He said as he began to unpack the bags. Dean shrugged, holding up the steaming coffee cup in his hands.

“That’s what we’ve got coffee for. This stuff is magical.” He chuckled. Cas smiled.

“You bet it is. So… are you going anywhere for New Year’s tonight?” he asked. Dean shook his head.

“I didn’t plan on going out. Why? Are you going somewhere?” he leaned against the kitchen table, watching as Cas filled the fridge up with groceries.

“No. Gabriel invited me to some party, but there’s going to be a lot of slutty girls there and I don’t feel in the mood to…” he trailed off, biting his tongue. He cleared his throat. “Anyway, I just planned on hanging out here all night. Maybe watch the ball drop on TV.”

“I’m down for that. Do you want to order a pizza or something? We could have a little party, just me and you.”

Castiel smiled up at Dean, licking his lips. “That sounds nice. We haven’t hung out like that in a while.”

Dean shrugged. “Yeah. I can tell you all about what Sammy and I did in Cali.”

Six hours later, Dean and Cas were sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn between them as they watched Godzilla on the TV. It was 7 o’clock; not nearly late enough to turn on the Times Square coverage of the ball dropping. Still, he was enjoying Dean’s company.

“Pause this. I’ve got to take a whiz.” Dean said, standing up. Castiel sighed and clicked the button on the re mote, watching as Dean left the room. He casually ran some fingers through his hair, wondering what was up with Dean. Ever since he had come back from California he had been acting different. Acting… nicer. Sweeter. It was kind of weird, Castiel thought, but at the same time he was enjoying it.

Before Castiel could really start thinking about it, Dean returned. He resumed the movie and they watched the rest of it. By the time it was finished it was 9 o’clock, and Cas figured that now would be a good time to put the News On. He clicked the button on the remote control, watching as the little news man and woman came into focus on the TV screen.

“Well, Bill, this has been quite a crazy year, wouldn’t you say?”

“Yes, I would. So much happened this year, it’s kind of hard to wrap my head around just how much happened. How about we look at this year in review?” The man smiled over at his co-anchor, who nodded.

“We started out the year with a big win for the Washington Redskins at the Super Bowl. The computer mouse was invented, which was a big deal for all the computer nerds out there… Flash Dance and Return of The Jedi came out, breaking records for movie ticket sales. Swatch Watches had a surge in popularity and Paul McCartney preformed with Michael Jackson for the first time ever.”

“Wow, Janet, overall this has been one crazy year!”

“You bet, Bill. But you know what’s even crazier?” The blonde woman grinned at her co-anchor.

“What is it?” He asked.

“I don’t have anyone to kiss at midnight!” She exclaimed. Castile went tense, not daring to look over at Dean at that moment. He knew that it would only be awkward if he did.

“It’s alright, Janet, I’ll kiss you!” The anchor named Bill laughed. Castiel heard Dean chuckle, and he glanced over at his roommate to see him looking at the TV like normal. Castiel relaxed a little, reaching for some popcorn and cramming it into his mouth. He needed to calm himself down before he did something stupid.

Around 11:30 Castiel went over to the cabinet and pulled out two champagne glasses. He filled them both with ginger ale, walking over to Dean on the couch and handing one to him. Dean raised an eyebrow.

“What is this?” he asked.

“It’s ginger ale.” Cas said, resuming his seat on the couch next to Dean. He raised his glass, smiling at his friend. “I’d like to propose a toast to 1983.”

Dean smiled a little, raising his glass and clinking it with Castiel’s. “To 1983.” He said softly. Cas smiled and sipped at his soda, then put the glass down and looked over at the TV. They were counting down for the ball drop now. It would only be 10 seconds before it was 1984.

“10… 9… 8…” They could hear the crowd of people in Times Square counting. Cas squirmed a little as the crowd drew closer and closer to 0. “3… 2… 1…”

“Happy New Year!” Dean exclaimed along with everyone on the TV. Castiel smiled, looking back at the screen to see the two news anchors kissing. He swallowed nervously, looking over at Dean sitting next to him. The man licked his lips, locking eyes with Cas. They both swallowed.

Castiel was just about to speak when Dean leaned forward and kissed him. Castiel squealed in surprise, his arms flailing out. He knocked over the soda that was in Dean’s hands, spilling it all over the two of them. Dean pulled back, a scared and apologetic look on his face.

“I… Cas… Oh God, I’m sorry… I didn’t…”

“No.” Cas whispered, pulling Dean back to him and kissing him again. Dean moaned and sunk into the kiss, pressing up against Castiel. They were both sticky with soda, but at that moment neither of them could care. Especially Cas. Because Cas was finally kissing the man he loved.

Dean pulled away, his eyes filled with lust and his chest heaving. Castiel licked his lips, offering Dean a shy smile.

“Wow.” He whispered. Dean smiled cheekily.

“I’m glad that you liked it.” He said gruffly. Cas leaned forward, pulling Dean close.

“I want more.” He growled, kissing Dean again. The man moaned, slipping his hands under Cas’s shirt and tailing his fingers over his chest.

“How much more?” He gasped between kisses. Castiel growled in response, pushing Dean back and laying on top of him.

“I want it all.” He said roughly, pulling his shirt off and tossing it across the room. Dean moaned quietly, reaching up and trailing his hands over Castiel’s toned chest. The dark haired man smiled, leaning down to kiss Dean again. As they kissed, Castiel trailed his hands down Dean’s chest and skillfully unbuttoned his shirt. Once it was all the way undone he pulled back, looking down at Dean through hooded eyes. Dean bit his lips.

“What’re you going to do to me?”

“I’m going to ride you into oblivion.” Cas said, ripping Dean’s fly open. The man gasped, bucking his hips. Castiel could tell from one look at Dean’s crotch that he was hard as a rock, and the sight made him smile. He quickly worked Dean’s pants off of his legs, and Dean kicked them the rest of the way off. Once Dean was in nothing but his underwear, Cas finally started to focus on undressing himself.

“Have you ever been with a guy before?” Castiel asked Dean as he unbuckled his pants. Dean nodded.

“Yeah, a couple times. I’ve never been ridden before, though.” He smirked up at Cas, who had a confused look on his face. The dark haired man pulled his pants off, giving Dean a curious look.

“I thought that you were into women, though.” He said, struggling to get out of his jeans. Dean sat up a little.

“I am. But I also like guys.”

“I don’t understand.” Castiel said, frowning. Dean sighed.

“I’ll explain it later. Just focus on getting naked right now.” He said, pulling his own boxers down. Castiel nodded, finally slipping his pants off and then pulling his boxers down. He grabbed hold of his cock, stepping towards the couch. Dean leaned forward, grabbing Castiel’s hips.

“What are you doing?” Castiel asked, frowning. Dean smirked up at him.

“You ever heard of a blowjob?” He asked, and then in one fluid motion he had Castiel buried down his throat. Cas groaned loudly, tangling his fingers into Dean’s messy brown hair and jerking his hips. Dean gagged and made a loud noise of disapproval.

“Sorry.” Castiel breathed, closing his eyes and focusing on not moving his hips. But it was so hard when Dean had his mouth on him, making those filthy noises as he bobbed his head up and down. Cas groaned loudly when Dean tongued at his slit, and he couldn’t help but buck his hips into Dean’s mouth at that.

After several minutes of Dean licking, nipping and sucking at Cas’s cock, the man felt like he was just about ready to burst. He tugged at Dean’s hair, taking a step back.

“Not… yet…” he panted. Dean looked up at him, his red lips pursed and wet. Cas groaned, leaning down to kiss Dean’s lips. He didn’t even care that he could taste himself on them. “You’re so fucking hot.”

Dean smiled as Castiel clambered on to his lap. He watched with wide eyes as Castiel sunk down on his hard cock in one quick stroke. The man groaned loudly, and Dean reached out to cup his cheek.

“Are you okay, man?”

“It burns.” He said, closing his eyes as tears pooled in them. Dean snorted.

“Yeah, I bet. You know you’re supposed to prepare yourself first.”

“I forgot.” Castiel hissed, leaning forward and pressing his face into Dean’s neck. The man pet his hair back, kissing his neck.

“It’s because you were so excited. Just tell me when it’s alright to move.”

“Yeah.” Cas said quietly. He stayed still for a while, then finally nodded against Dean’s neck. “You can move.”

Dean grunted in response, slowly beginning to thrust in and out of Cas. Castiel whimpered uncomfortable at first, but after a few strokes Dean started hitting his prostate. That had Cas moaning like a whore, and before long he was actually bouncing up and down on Dean’s cock.

“Fuck…” Dean groaned at the sight of Castiel bouncing up and down on his cock. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this…”

Cas chuckled, throwing his head back. “I think I do, actually.” He said. Then he grabbed his own cock, stroking it quickly. He groaned, closing his eyes. “I’m gonna cum.”

“Go ahead, baby.” Dean panted, bucking his hips and slamming Cas right in the prostate. “Fucking cum all over me.”

Castiel cried out after that, painting Dean’s chest and stomach in his cum. Dean followed soon after, the feeling Cas clenching around him and cumming on his cock too much to handle. He moaned loudly as he came, chanting Cas’s name before he went limp on the couch, his now soft cock slipping out of Castiel’s ass. Castiel collapsed on top of him after that, panting heavily.

They were silent for a while before Dean cleared his throat. “Happy New Year, Cas.” He said hoarsely. Cas smiled against Dean’s neck.

“Happy 1984, Dean.”


	14. Aquarium Trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angry Castiel followed by happy Castiel followed by complete Cockslut!Castiel  
> Enjoy!

Castiel woke up in the morning, his back aching and his body hot. It took him a moment to realize exactly why he was so hot. Dean Winchester was lying naked on top of him.

And that was when Castiel realized that he was naked too.

He nearly had a coronary right there. His mind was flooded with memories of the night before… of Dean kissing him, and him kissing Dean right back. Or the way Dean’s skin had slid against his, hot and sweaty… the way Dean had felt inside him. Cas could feel himself growing hard at the mere thought, and even though Dean was asleep and couldn’t see him, he blushed.

It was a few minutes before it occurred to Castiel that he had to pee. He squirmed and wiggled his way free of Dean’s hold, landing on his back on the plush carpet. He grunted and sat up on his elbows, looking up at Dean for a moment. The handsome man slumbered on, and Cas couldn’t help but smile slightly as he stood up and padded to the bathroom to pee and shower.

Last night had been so amazing. In fact, it had been the best night of Castiel’s life. But as he thought more and more about what had happened between him and Dean, he became more and more confused. Dean liked women. He always had… no matter what gender undergarment he wore, it didn’t change the fact that he was attracted to women and only women.

So why the hell did he have sex with Cas?

And that’s when it hit Cas, right in the face like a freight train. Dean was using Cas to experiment his sexuality. And that realization hurt Cas more than anything he had ever felt in his life.

The boy put on a clean pair of boxers and a tee shirt and dragged his feet back to the kitchen. He put a pot of coffee on, watching it as it slowly began to bubble and the pot filled with steam. Tears filled Castiel’s eyes but he refused to let them fall. He wouldn’t cry over Dean Winchester.

_Boy, _Castiel thought, _what a way to ring in the New Year, huh? _____

____He hardly even noticed as Dean sidled up beside him, nudging his shoulder as he opened up the cupboard and reached for the box of captain Crunch they kept there. Castiel looked over at him and smiled weakly. Dean returned his mile with a beaming grin._ _ _ _

____“Hey there, sexy.” He said, kissing Castiel on the lips. It took all of Castiel’s willpower not to sink into the kiss, and he pushed Dean away with his right hand._ _ _ _

____“What’s wrong?” Dean asked, frowning. He took a step back, as Cas wished, but he didn’t walk away._ _ _ _

____Cas swallowed. “Dean… I don’t know what happened last night, but I-I won’t… I’m not going to be your _toy_ , Dean. I get that you might be confused about your sexuality or whatever but just because I’m gay doesn’t mean you get to use me to experiment on.” He stuttered, tears filling his eyes again. Dean stared back at him blankly, his facial expression unreadable._ _ _ _

____Then Dean looked away, shaking his head. “Cas…” he sighed, setting the cereal box down on the counter and looking back at Cas. And there were the puppy eyes. Castiel thought he might combust right there. “I’m not using you to experiment my sexuality. In fact, I am actually quite confident in my sexuality. I’ve been with plenty of guys before you, Cas, remember?”_ _ _ _

____Castiel’s jaw dropped as he remembered Dean’s words from the night before. _‘You ever been with a guy before?’ ‘Yeah, twice.’_ Castiel was silent, and Dean rolled his eyes._ _ _ _

____“Close your mouth, Castiel. You might catch flies.”_ _ _ _

____“S-sorry.” Cas said, closing his mouth. He swallowed dryly. “Look, Dean, I’m sorry. I forgot you told me that, but… I just don’t understand…”_ _ _ _

____Dean shook his head. “It’s okay, man. Basically everyone I know gets confused by me.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah… I just… pardon me, Dean, but I always thought you were straight. I mean with Lisa and all the other girls you’ve been with… I never thought…”_ _ _ _

____“That I’d be a fag?” Dean asked, licking his lips. Cas scowled._ _ _ _

____“Don’t use that word, Dean. It’s demeaning.”_ _ _ _

____“Well, that’s what it’s called, Cas. Anyway, the answer to your question is simple. I’m attracted to both men and women. I’m bisexual.”_ _ _ _

____“Oh.” Cas whispered, looking down shamefully. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that that was a thing.”_ _ _ _

____“Most people don’t.” Dean said, reaching out to tip Cas’s chin up. He smiled softly at him. “It’s okay, Cas.”_ _ _ _

____Cas nodded, turning to the coffee pot and pouting some out. He handed it to Dean._ _ _ _

____“So… in that case… would you- ah, would you like to start out the New Year with me and go on a date tonight? I think that The Keep is still playing at the theatre.”_ _ _ _

____Dean smiled. “Well, we did ring in the New Year with some really hot sex… I think that a date would be considered mandatory at this point.” Dean smirked, taking the coffee from Cas and walking back to the kitchen table. Cas grinned and shook his head, turning back to the coffee pot and pouring himself a cup. Dean really was something else._ _ _ _

______ _ _

\---

Falling in love with Dean Winchester was quite like being on a rollercoaster at an amusement park. The climb up the mountain was long and suspenseful, and at times dreadful, but when Cas finally reached the peak and became Dean’s boyfriend it was all too easy to fall off the cliff and fall head over heels for him.

It was the little things about Dean that Cas loved the most. The way he kissed him like he was the only thing in the world that mattered; the way he would cup Cas’s face, drag his fingers through his messy hair and just move their lips together as if they were perfectly crafted to fit together, like two lost puzzle pieces that had finally found each other. It was the way that Dean smelled after a long shift at the mechanic, and the way that Cas smelled exactly like him after a long night of rolling around in the sheets together. It was just the way that Dean was Dean, and Castiel couldn’t get enough of it.

He woke up one foggy night in February to find that the bed was empty, a warm, Dean shaped spot beside him. He ran his fingers over it as he sat up, yawning and slipping out of bed. He padded into the living room and was immediately hit with a draft. He turned towards the fire escape and saw Dean sitting on the edge of it, a lit cigarette between his lips as he leaned against the rail.

Cas walked over, stepping out on to the cold metal of the fire escape. He leaned against the railing, tapping it gently to get Dean’s attention. The man looked over at him and smiled lazily, pulling the cigarette from his lips.

“Hey baby.”

“Come back to bed before you fall off this rusty piece of metal, Dean.”

The man rolled his eyes but did as he was told, swinging his feet over the railing and hopping down on to the floor of the escape. He followed Cas back inside, crushing his cigarette up in the ash tray as he came in. Cas took his hand, leading him back to the bedroom.

“What were you doing out there?”

“Thinking.” Dean said, licking his lips. “Sammy wants to propose to Jessica.”

“Wow, he told you that?” Cas asked, sitting down on the bed. Dean nodded, laying down next to his lover.

“Yeah. But don’t you think he’s too young?” Dean frowned, and Cas shrugged. 

“I don’t know, babe. He’s almost 20 years old. A lot of people get married at that age.”

Dean sighed and nodded. “You’re right. I guess I’m just being sentimental or something.”

“Aww.” Castiel smiled, and Dean growled at him.

“Shut up and come here, I’m cold.” He said, holding out an arm to Cas. The man quickly obliged, sidling up to Dean and cuddling into his side.

“It’s because you decided to go smoke at 3 AM in thirty degree weather.”

“Be quiet and go to sleep, Cas.” Dean grumbled, burying his face in the crook of Castiel’s neck. The man smiled.

“I love you, Dean.”

“I love you too.”

\---

Gabriel wouldn’t leave Cas alone once he found out about him and Dean. Every time he saw him, Gabe would pester him with questions about his and Dean’s relationship. It got to the point where Cas dreaded going to visit his brother.

But not today. Today Gabriel was taking him, Dean and Sam (who was visiting for St. Patrick’s Day weekend) on a trip to the aquarium. Dean thought that it was lame, but Cas couldn’t be more excited. He hadn’t been to the aquarium since he was a little boy, and he was looking forward to the trip greatly.

“Why are you getting your panties in such a knot over an aquarium trip?” Dean asked as he fried eggs that morning. Cas grinned over at him.

“I don’t think that I’m the one who wears panties in this relationship.” He said. Dean bit his lips.

“Don’t make me throw eggs at you, baby.” He said. Castiel laughed, walking over to Dean and wrapping his arms around him from behind. He kissed at his neck, rubbing his hands over his soft stomach.

“Hmm… Forget the eggs, do you think there’s enough time for us to go try on those panties?” he smirked, flicking his tongue out to lick and kiss the underside of Dean’s ear. The man shivered involuntarily, then shrugged Cas off of his back.

“Stop trying to distract me, Cas.” He chuckled, turning the burner off and scraping the eggs on to a plate. “Sam’s going to be here in an hour and I would prefer that my brother _not_ walk in on me fucking you.”

Castiel rolled his eyes and took the eggs from Dean, walking over to the kitchen table with them and sitting down. Dean followed with forks and ketchup, and they sat down to enjoy their breakfast of eggs and toast. As they ate, Cas spoke.

“So when are Jess and Sam getting married?” he asked. Dean shrugged.

“Sometime in June. They haven’t set a date.”

“I see… well, when they do set a date, do you want me to come with you?” Cas asked, biting his lip. Dean set his fork down, giving Cas a curious look.

“Of course I do. Who’d you think I was going to take?”

“I don’t know… some girl, maybe…” Cas blushed, looking away. Dean chuckled.

“No way, baby. I would never pick any girl over you.” He leaned forward, grabbing Castiel’s neck and kissing him sweetly. Castiel smiled.

“Thanks. I just figured that you might not want me to come, considering that Sam doesn’t know you’re gay.”

“I’m bisexual.” Dean reminded his boyfriend, looking back down at his eggs. “And anyway, if the kid hasn’t figured it out by now he’s as blind as a bat.”

Cas nodded and went quiet. He cleaned up breakfast, and was just drying the dishes off when there was a knock at the door. 

“I’ll get it.” Dean jumped up and went to get the door, smiling when he saw Sam and Jessica standing there. He hugged his brother.

‘Good to see you, man.” He said, then kissing Jessica’s cheek. “What a nice surprise. I thought you were visiting your parents in Philly and couldn’t make it?”

Jessica smiled and shrugged. “My dad caught the flu and they said they didn’t want me getting sick. So here I am!” She giggled. Dean smiled. 

“Well we’re glad to have you. Come in and I’ll get y’all something to eat.” He said, closing the door and pushing his brother and his fiancé inside the apartment. “Do you guys want some pizza, or something? I think we have leftovers in the fridge…”

“No we don’t.” Cas said, standing in the kitchen doorway. “You ate it in the middle of the night, remember?” He said. Dean frowned.

“Oh, right. Well I’m sure that we have something.”

“It’s alright, Dean. We stopped at IHOP on the way here.” Sam said, his arm resting on Jess’s shoulders. The blonde nodded.

“Yeah, we’re fine. This one here ate enough pancakes to feed an army… for a week.” She teased, poking at Sam’s stomach. The man blushed and swatted Jess’s hand away.

“Be quiet.” He said, then smiled over at Cas. “And hey, Cas, it’s nice to see you again.”

“Nice to see you too.” Cas smiled softly before disappearing into the kitchen again. Dean watched him for a few seconds before taking up his seat on the couch.

“Castiel’s brother should be here shortly to pick us up.”

“Cool. It’s really nice of him to take us all out like this.” Sam said. Dean nodded.

“Yeah. Cas is fucking ecstatic about the whole trip. He’s been talking about it for days.” Dean rolled his eyes, but continued smiling. Sam grinned at him, his eyes flashing slightly as he looked back at the kitchen doorway. Cas came out with four glass bottles of coke balanced precariously in his arms.

“A little help… Dean…” he said as one of the bottles began to wobble. Dean was up in a flash, grabbing Cas by the hips to balance him. Castiel rolled his eyes. “Not me, Dean. The bottles!” he yelled just as one of them fell.

Dean quickly caught it, taking a second one from Cas. Blushing, he headed back to his seat. He handed the bottle to Jessica. Then Cas handed a bottle to Sam and sat down himself on the couch next to him. Cas glanced over at Dean and smiled, but the man looked away, still blushing.

“When is Gabriel going to be here?” Dean asked, his voice a little deeper than normal. Cas shrugged.

“Soon, I’m sure. Knowing him he probably stopped to get cookies for himself at the bakery, or something…” Cas trailed off as there was a knock at the door. Dean went to get it, sighing with relief when he saw that it was Gabriel.

“Hey, there you are! We’re all ready to go.” He patted him on the back as the brunette man walked in. Castiel stood up from his seat on the couch and hugged his brother, who proceeded to pick him up and spin him around repeatedly.

“Gabe!” Cas yelled in protest, huffing in exasperation once Gabriel finally put him down. Dean grinned over at Cas and the man shook his head, pouting. Dean chuckled and clapped his hands together.

“Let’s get this show on the road, then!”

Six hours later, a tired Castiel plopped down on to the couch in his and Dean’s apartment. Dean sat beside him, one arm around him as he turned the TV on and began to channel surf. Cas sighed and leaned into Dean, snuggling into his chest.

“I haven’t kissed you all day.” He complained, resting his chin on Dean’s right pectoral and looking up at him with big, blue puppy eyes. Dean smiled and set the remote down, leaning in to rest his forehead against Cas’s.

“Well, why didn’t you just ask?” he breathed, and then his lips met Castiel’s in a soft kiss. Castiel sighed and sat up a little, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck and draping himself over the larger man’s body. Dean hummed and deepened the kiss, licking his way across Cas’s bottom lip before pushing his tongue into his mouth.

Cas pulled away about ten seconds later, panting and reaching for Dean’s waist band. Dean shook his head and stood up, pulling Cas along with him.

“Bedroom.” He grunted, then pulled Castiel close again and kissed him hard on the lips. Castiel moaned into Dean’s mouth, melting into the kiss. Dean’s tongue was like lava in his mouth, rolling against his own and heating up everything in its path. Cas hitched his leg up against Dean’s thigh and the man quickly got the message, hoisting him up by the ass so that Cas could wrap his legs around Dean’s waist.

“Fuck, you’re so sexy.” Dean growled as they made their way to the bedroom. Cas hummed in response to Dean’s words, too busy sucking a golf ball sized hickey into his lover’s neck.

Dean laid Cas down on the edge of the bed once they reached the bedroom, smirking at the way Cas’s legs rested on his shoulders. He quickly leaned forward and captured Castiel’s lips with his own, muffling Cas’s loud moans as he began to hump up against him, still fully clothed. Cas whimpered into Dean’s mouth as he felt his own throbbing erection, trapped by denim, rub up against Dean’s.

It was slow torture, dry humping with Dean. Every thrust left Castiel craving more; like he was a thirsty man in a desert and Dean was the only source of water for miles. He could feel Dean’s hard on through his jeans, pressing up against his own and causing waves of pleasure to wash over Cas. The man moaned, reaching out and clinging to Dean’s shirt.

“Dean… I need more…” he whispered, then leaned up to kiss Dean’s lips. Dean hummed and reached between them, swiftly undoing Castiel’s belt buckle and unzipping his pants. Cas kicked off his jeans hastily as Dean clambered up on top of him, his hips still moving against Cas’s.

Once Cas had his pants off, he quickly shed his shirt too, so that the only piece of clothing on his body was his boxers. He moaned as Dean ground against him, his already hard cock growing impossible harder. He lifted his hips off the bed and rapped his legs around Dean’s hips again, searching desperately for friction.

“Take your fucking clothes off, Dean.” Cas growled, unbuttoning Dean’s flannel as quickly as he could and pushing it off of his shoulders. Dean nodded, his mouth hanging open as he panted loudly. He unbuckled his pants and was in the process of shimmying out of them when he felt Castiel’s teeth on his right nipple. He cried out, his body shaking as he bucked his hips up against Cas’s.

“Oh, baby… do that again…” He gasped, closing his eyes. Cas smirked a little, flicking his tongue over Dean’s hard, pink nipple.

“Get your pants off and I’ll think about it.” Castiel smirked. Dean nodded, scrambling to get undressed after that. Once Dean was fully nude, Castiel grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him over, straddling his waist. Dean grinned and looked up at his lover, his hands immediately finding his hips.

“What are you going to do to me, Cas?” he breathed. Cas leaned down, nipping at Dean’s neck and licking his earlobe. Then he whispered to him.

“I’m going to make you feel so good, baby, you’re going to scream...” He whispered. Dean’s eyes widened as a salacious grin spread over his face. He instinctively bucked his hips, grinding against the fabric of Cas’s boxers. Cas gasped, closing his eyes and letting the feeling of Dean rubbing against him go straight to his dick.

“Get the stuff.” Castiel rasped, his voice thick and gravely. Dean nodded and reached out, opening up the drawer on his bedside table and pulling out a small container of Vaseline out. He opened it up, scooping some out and spreading it on his fingers.

“Take your boxers off.” Dean ordered. Cas did as he was told, slipping out of his underwear. His hard cock sprang free from the fabric, and Cas shivered as the cold air hit it. Dean grinned and leaned up, kissing Cas and slowly flipping them over again.

Now laying across Castiel’s back, Dean reached down and spread the cheeks of Castiel’s ass. He slowly pushed one finger in, pepping Castiel’s shoulders with kisses as he did so. Cas was tense at first, but then he relaxed for Dean and spread his legs a little bit.

“More, Dean. I want more.” he breathed. Dean hummed and started moving his fingers, slowly working a second one into Castiel’s ass. He watched as Cas’s hole stretched around his fingers, and Dean’s dick pulsed when he thought about how good it would feel when his dick was inside of Cas. He let out a deep breath and pushed his fingers forward, scissoring them and stretching Cas out. Castiel whimpered and moaned, arching his back a little and fucking back on Dean’s hand.

“It’s good, Dean. It feel good…” he gasped, turning his head to look back at Dean. His eyes were wide and lust blown, his hair wild from all the times he had run his fingers through it. He looked sexy as fuck. Dean smiled and leaned forward, kissing Cas hard and pulled his fingers out of his ass.

“You’re ready.” He said. Then he reached over to the can of Vaseline and spread some on his own cock before climbing over Cas and pressing up against him. Cas whimpered slightly as Dean pushed in; his cock was much bigger than his fingers. But soon enough Cas had gotten used to Dean’s size, and he spread his legs for his lover as Dean bottomed out.

“You okay, baby?”

Cas nodded, turning his head back to look at Dean. Dean leaned forward, his chest pressed up against Cas’s back. He kissed him softly as he began to rut up against Cas, his dick hard and pulsing in the tight heat of Cas’s ass. He closed his eyes and moaned, bucking up against Cas. The bed up against the wall with each thrust Dean gave, but he could hardly care. It just felt too damn good being inside of Cas for him to give a damn about anything.

“D-Dean… oh, yes…” Cas moaned, long and dirty, his eyes rolling back when Dean hit that perfect spot inside of him. “Keep- keep doing that. Keep… Ahh...”

“I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you…” Dean breathed out, slamming into Cas with long deep thrusts. He draped himself over Castiel’s back again, kissing along his neck and his shoulders. Slowly, he snaked his hand down between Cas and the sheets, grabbing his boyfriend’s leaking cock and stroking up and down. 

Castiel shivered beneath him and Dean chuckled, pressing his thumb against the tip of Cas’s cock. The young man gasped and let out a choked sob, his entire body shaking as cum shot up out of his cock and painted the sheets white. His ass clenched around Dean and the man groaned, thrusting into Cas faster and faster until, only ten seconds later, he was cumming deep inside of Cas.

“Fuck…” Dean breathed, pulling his wilting cock out of Cas’s wet hole. He rolled over, turning his head to grin at Cas. The man just lay there in a puddle of his own cum, panting heavily and trying to catch his breath. Finally he spoke.

“That was amazing, Dean.” He breathed. Dean smiled and nodded, reaching out and grabbing Cas’s neck. He pulled him in, kissing him hard.

“That was perfect.” He whispered, then kissed Cas again as he sat up. “Come on, we need to take a shower, unless you want to wake up tomorrow with dried jizz all over your body.

Cas hummed in response, his eyes closed. “I don’t mind…” he mumbled tiredly. Dean rolled his eyes and hoisted Cas up, dragging him out of bed.

“Come on, Cas. I’ll run a bath for us.” He said softly. Cas leaned against him, sighing in exasperation.

“Fine. But only because I love you.” Castiel said, a small pout on his face. Dean smiled and leaned in, kissing Castiel softly on the lips.

“I love you too, Cas.”


	15. Happy Birthday, Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean spoils Castiel on his birthday. And also there is lots of sex.

The spring went, wet and cold, and then the summer came and the air was thick and humid and hot. Castiel took to walking around the apartment shirtless, although Dean didn’t seem to have any protest. He would lay against Cas as he read on the couch, a cigarette dangling from his lips as he watched soccer on TV. They would stay pressed against each other until around noon, when it got too hot and Cas started to sweat.

It was hard for Castiel to grasp how much he loved Dean. He had never been in a relationship before Dean (unless you count his and Balthazar’s situation as relationship, which Cas did not). He’d never known that he could love somebody as much as he loved Dean. He would wait all day to go home and make dinner for Dean (who could cook well if he needed to, but he was often too lazy to do so). He grew to love the smell of cigarette smoke, if only because it reminded him of Dean. If Dean had to work the nightshift at the mechanic shop, Cas couldn’t even sleep without his body pressed against him. He was so pathetic, he knew, but he couldn’t help it. Dean was the love of his life.

The best part of it all, Castiel thought, was that Dean loved him back. Cas didn’t think he had ever been so loved in his life, actually. Dean accepted him and he cherished him. He treated him like gold and made him feel special, and Cas could get drunk on the feeling of receiving affection from Dean.

“How’s my boy?” Dean would ask him every day when he picked him up from work, leaning over the front seat of the Impala and giving a kiss to Cas’s upturned cheek. Cas would smile and blush, leaning a little closer to Dean as he started the car.

“Better now I’m with you.” Cas said, smiling at Dean. The man rolled his eyes and gave Cas a small smile.

“You’re such a flirt, Cas. How was work?”

“Fine… the slushee machine broke again and Sarah made me mop it up.” He sighed, looking down at his white shirt, which was stained red and blue. “I guess we need to go clothes shopping again.”

“Ooh, mall trip!” Dean grinned over at Cas, who rolled his eyes and smiled.

“We can go this weekend.” Cas said, cracking the window as he saw Dean pull out a cigarette and his lighter. Dean smiled over at Cas.

“Good. I need to buy you a birthday present, anyway.” He reached over and placed a hand on Cas’s thigh as he stuck the cigarette in his mouth. Cas blushed and cleared his throat.

“It’s okay, Dean. You don’t need to get me anything.”

“Yes, I do. I’m you’re boyfriend and it’s my job. Your birthday is the 18th, right?”

“July 18th, yeah. Seriously, Dean, it’s okay. Money is tight and I’ve never really made a big deal of my birthday anyway…”

Dean sighed and pulled his hand away from Cas’s thigh, lighting his cigarette and turning down the next street. “I know, but I want to get you something special. Now drop it, Cas. I don’t want to fight.”

“Fine.” Cas pouted, then leaned over and pressed his nose against Dean’s shoulder. “But for the record, I’m against it.”

“Mhm.” Dean smiled, turning to press a kiss against Cas’s forehead. “I love you.”

\---

Three weeks later, it was Castiel’s birthday. He was lucky enough to celebrate it on a Sunday that year, and he woke up late in the morning to the sound of the phone ringing. He groaned softly and sat up, reaching over Dean’s warm body beside him and picking up the receiver.

“Hello?” He said, his voice thick from sleep. His brother obnoxiously loud voice came crackling through the speakers.

“Happy birthday, Cassie!” He yelled. Castiel cringed a little at the loud decibel of Gabriel’s voice, but he smiled nonetheless.

“Thanks, Gabe.”

 

“Do you want to come over for dinner tomorrow night? I’ll make you burgers.”

“That sounds like a delicious plan. I’d love to… but how about we do it tonight?”

“Uh… I don’t think that’s doable. I think Dean has some plans for you…”

“Plans? What plans?” Cas frowned in confusion. Dean hadn’t told him about any plans for the night… was he planning some sort of surprise? Cas’s heart fluttered at the thought.

“It’s nothing, Cas. Forget I said anything.” Gabriel said, then cleared his throat. “I’ll see you tomorrow at six, alright?”

“Alright…” Castiel heard the phone click as Gabriel hung up, and then he turned to look back at Dean, who was still sleeping. He put the phone down and leaned over his love, pressing wet, open mouthed kisses to his neck and bare chest. Dean moaned quietly in his sleep.

“Cas… stop…” He grumbled. Castiel smiled a little and licked Dean’s neck, biting at his ear.

“Wake up, baby…” He breathed. Dean hummed and slowly opened his eyes, smiling at his lover. He reached out and held Cas’s hips, his thumbs moving back and forth against his tan, olive skin.

“Happy birthday, Cas.” He murmured, leaning in and capturing Cas’s lips in his. Castiel hummed, smiling into the kiss and opening his mouth for Dean’s tongue. Dean took full advantage of Castiel’s invitation, dragging him closer by his hips and pushing his tongue deep into Cas’s mouth. Cas sighed happily and reached down, slipping his fingers under the waistband of Dean’s boxers and giving his already hard cock.

“Is this my present?” He hummed, smirking slightly against Dean’s lips. Dean grinned salaciously, kissing Cas again before responding.

“One of them.” He breathed. Castiel chuckled and sat up on his knees, tugging his underwear down and kicking it off of his legs. Dean licked his lips, sitting up on his elbows and reaching out to grab Cas’s dick. Castiel gasped and bucked his hips as Dean began to stroke him slowly, sitting up a little more so that he could get closer to him. Castiel stifled a moan as Dean breathed out against the head of his cock, flicking his tongue out to lick at the slit.

“Fuck, Dean…” He gasped, reaching down and carding his fingers through his hair. Dean smiled and looked up at Cas, his eyes still half hooded with sleep as he poked his pink tongue out again and dragged it over the head of Castiel’s hard dick. Cas let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes. He moaned loudly as Dean swallowed up the head of his cock, bobbing up and down slowly and dragging his tongue all over Cas’s cock.

“Oh my God…” Castiel moaned quietly, dragging his fingers through Dean’s messy brown hair and bucking his hips a little. Dean gagged and pulled back, taking a deep breath before going back down on Cas. The man choked out a moan, gritting his teeth. Dean’s mouth was so hot and wet, and then way that he was bobbing up and down on Cas, taking him deep into his mouth and flicking his tongue over the slit occasionally…

Castiel came with a shout, filling Dean’s mouth with his cum. Dean hummed and sucked it all up, cleaning him off. Castiel had to hold his breath as he watched Dean lick him off, his now soft dick overly sensitive and twitching every time Dean licked it. Finally he grabbed Dean’s head, pulling him off of his cock and bringing him up for a slow kiss. He didn’t even mind the taste of himself in Dean’s mouth; it only served as a reminder of where Dean’s perfect mouth had just been.

“I love you.” Castiel breathed, pushing Dean back against the pillows and straddling his lap. Dean took a deep breath, looking up at Cas and smiling softly.

“I love you too.” He whispered. Cas smiled and reached over Dean to the nightstand, grabbing the Vaseline and opening it up. He handed it to Dean, a smirk playing at his lips.

“Prep me?” He asked, biting his lip. Dean groaned and nodded, grabbing Cas by the hips and turning him around. Castiel laughed, smiling back at Dean as the man spread Vaseline on his fingers.

“So I guess we’re going reverse cowgirl today?” He asked, winking. Dean grinned, chuckling softly.

“Yeehaw!” He laughed. Castiel rolled his eyes, wiggling his butt a little.

“Just get me ready, you big sap.” He said. Dean smiled and reached out, grabbing Cas’s hip with one hand and slowly tracing his rim with the other. He pushed one finger in, moving it in and out slowly. Castiel let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes. Dean looked up at him.

“Does that feel alright?”

“Alright.” Cas said, his voice breaking halfway through so that he could let out a strangled moan. Dean smiled and pulled his finger out, putting some more Vaseline on his fingers and then working two into Cas’s tight hole. Castiel moaned loudly, leaning forward and grabbing on to Dean’s thighs for support.

“You like that, baby?” Dean growled out, pushing his fingers in and out of Castiel’s hole and scissoring him open. Cas let out a low moan, his body trembling as Dean scraped at his prostate.

“Y-yes… Dean…”

“Yeah, birthday boy?” he asked. Cas moaned.

‘I’m ready.” He said. Dean grinned.

“Thank God.” He said. Then he grabbed onto his own throbbing cock, slicking it up with Vaseline and g=dragging Cas onto his lap. Cas reached around, grabbing Dean’s cock and pressing it against his hole. He sunk down slowly, gasping and moaning softly as Dean’s cock was sheathed inside of him. When it was finally inside Dean moaned, grabbing on to Cas’s hips and holding him there. Cas looked over his shoulder at Dean, smiling slightly.

“You ready?” He asked. Dean nodded.

“Fuck yes. Ride me baby.”

“Yeehaw.” Castiel laughed, and slowly he began to bounce up and down. Dean groaned, bucking his hips to meet Cas halfway. Castiel shivered as Dean hit his prostate, his dick already hard again. He reached down, stroking himself as he bounced up and down.

“Cas… Shit…” Dean moaned loudly, closing his eyes and pulled Cas back, so that his muscular back was resting against Dean’s chest. Cas gasped, turning his neck so that he could look at Dean. He smiled.

“Hey there.” He breathed. Dean smiled and leaned in, kissing Castiel softly as he pumped his cock in and out of his hole.

“Hey baby.” He replied, nuzzling his neck and licking at his skin. Cas shivered, reaching down again and jacking himself. Dean groaned, sucking a hickey into Cas’s skin.

“I’m gonna cum.” Dean groaned after a few minutes. Castiel moaned softly.

“Me too. Me too…” he whimpered. Dean groaned and bit into Cas’s shoulder, and that was it for him. Cas came with a howl, his entire body tensing as he covered his chest in cum. Dean moaned loudly as Cas clenched around him and he came, filling Cas up with his cum. He continued to fuck Cas through his orgasm, finally slipping out when he was done.

Slowly, Cas rolled over, laying on top of Dean’s chest. He kissed the corner of his lips, smiling lazily.

“That was quite a way to wake up.” He breathed. Dean hummed, smiling.

“Yeah, it was. Happy birthday, baby.” He whispered.

After a long shower (which was mostly taken up by Cas and Dean making out, and only a little bit of actual showering) and breakfast, Dean and Cas were ready for the day. As Castiel got dressed in shorts and Dean’s old ACDC tee shirt, he looked over at Dean and smiled.

“Where are you taking me, anyway?”

“I thought we could go down to the lake and just chill for the afternoon. It’s pretty hot out, anyway, so I figured you might like that.” Dean smiled, walking over to Cas and wrapping his arms around his waist. Cas squirmed a little, wiggling his arms out from under Dean’s and wrapping his arms around the man’s neck.

“Is that what you had planned for tonight? You’re taking me to the lake?” Cas asked, his lips twitching. Dean licked his lips.

“Kind of. I do have some surprises up my sleeves.” Dean smirked at him. Cas frowned slightly, curiosity bubbling inside of him. He wanted to know what Dean’s surprise was! Something was being planned behind his back- Gabriel had given away that much.

Suddenly Castiel had an idea. He smirked slightly. “I know… Gabriel kind of let it slip…”

Dean frowned. “Are you kidding me?” He huffed, letting go of Cas. He shook his head. “How much did he tell you?”

Cas bit his lips. “Enough.” He said. Dean sighed.

“Dammit.” He looked back over at Cas, then licked his lips. “But… uh… are you excited?” He smiled slightly. Castiel gulped and nodded.

“So excited.” He smiled, and Dean grinned. He grabbed Cas and pulled him close, holding his hips.

“Good. And I don’t want to hear any of your bullshit about it being too expensive. Queen is your favorite band in the world and I couldn’t pass up the oppurtinty to bring you to a concert.”

Castiel’s eyes widened. “You bought me _Queen tickets_? Oh my God! Dean!” He gasped, grinning ear to ear. Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Um… yeah. Didn’t you know? I thought Gabe told you.” He chuckled. Castiel blushed and looked away, and then Dean gasped.

“Gabriel didn’t tell you anything, did he?” He asked, his facial expression stuck somewhere between amusement and anger. Castiel licked his lips, shaking his head.

“Nah… he just told me you had something planned. But I needed to know what it was!” He said. Dean shook his head, standing up and grabbing Cas. The man squealed, kicking his feet and squirming.

“Dean, let me go!” he laughed. Dean threw Cas onto the bed, but it was only a few moments before he was on top of Cas, his fingers slipping under his shirt. Cas screamed as Dean began to tickle him, and he began to thrash back and forth on the bed.

“Uncle! Uncle! Have mercy on me, Dean!” He yelled, tears in his eyes as he laughed. Dean laughed and kissed him, pulling his hands away.

“Have you learned your lesson?” he asked. Cas nodded, kissing Dean on the lips before speaking.

“Yeah, I learned my lesson. I need to get better at lying.” He giggled, darting out of the room. Dean laughed and chased after him, following him as he left the apartment and ran down the stairs. Cas had a considerable lead on him though, and he didn’t catch up to him until he reached the Impala. Panting, Dean leaned against the car and smiled over at Cas.

“You think you’re funny, don’t you?” he asked, gasping for breath. Cas grinned.

“I _am_ funny.” He smiled. Dean licked his lips and shook his head.

“Get in the car, wise-guy, before I cancel everything.” He said, though he was grinning. Cas squeaked and ducked into the car, buckling up obediently. Dean smiled and slipped into the front seat, starting the car. He reached over and rested his hand on Cas’s knee. Cas smiled over at him.

“I love you, Dean Winchester.” He said, then leaned over and kissed his jaw. Dean smiled and glanced over at Cas, shifting the car into gear and pulling down the street.

“I love you too, Cas.” He said softly, then punched the radio button of the Impala. A couple songs played through on the radio, but none of them were anything that Dean or Cas particularly loved. After about twenty minutes, a new song, Jump by Van Halen, blasted through the speakers. Castiel grinned, turning the volume up and opening his window. Dean chuckled and grinned over at him, shaking his head a little before putting his eyes back on the road.

“This song is so stupid, Cas. Turn it off.”

“What are you talking about? It’s awesome!” Castiel grinned cheekily, leaning back and smiling over at Dean. The man rolled his eyes and Cas began to sing along loudly. 

_”I get up! And nothin’ gets me down… You got it tough! I’ve the toughest around… And I know, baby just how you feel!”_ Castiel yelled along with the music. Dean laughed.

“Shut up.” He yelled to Cas, but the man shook his head and continued to sing. Dean found himself smiling despite himself, and he began to sing along with Castiel.

 _”Ah, might as well jump! JUMP! Might as well jump! Go ahead an’ jump! JUMP”_ They sang together. By the time that the song ended, they had arrived at the lake and Dean was finding a parking spot. The two men climbed out of the car, and Cas excitedly grabbed Dean’s wrist. 

They made their way down to the water, standing on top of a rock ledge that overlooked the lake. Cas smiled over at Dean as they looked into the clear blue lake.

“Hey Dean?”

“Yeah, sweetheart?” he asked, looking into the shorter man’s sparkling blue eyes. Cas licked his lips slowly, smirking up at Dean as he spoke.

“Might as well jump.” He said, and then he leaped forward, falling about ten feet before he plunged into the clear lake water, clothes still on and everything. Dean gasped.

“Cas!” he yelled, then jumped after him, his arms flailing as he hit the water. He plunged in, going several feet under before he surfaced again, looking around for Cas. He was just about to start panicking when Castiel draped himself over Dean’s back, nearly drowning the both of them. Once Dean had finally regained control and was able to tread without sinking, he turned back to look at Cas.

“What did you do that for?” he asked. His tone was one of annoyance, though the smile on his face betrayed his true emotions. Castiel giggled, leaning forward and kissing at Dean’s neck.

“I don’t know. I just wanted to.” He breathed. Dean couldn’t help the grin that spread over his face, and he reached behind him, dragging Cas off of his back and around him. He held his hips under the water, kissing him softly on the lips.

“You made me get wet.” Dean pouted.

“You didn’t have to jump in.” Castiel replied, shrugging. Dean blushed.

“I didn’t know that you could swim. I thought you were gonna drown.”

“Oh, and you wanted to save me?” He smirked a little. Dean shrugged.

“I couldn’t very well let my boy drown, now could I?” he said. Cas smiled and leaned in, kissing Dean’s plump, wet lips and smiling at him. When he pulled away he looked around, trying to find the shoreline. He spotted it after only a few moments and he pointed towards it.

“We should probably get out now. The water is pretty cold.”

“Aw, is your cute little butt cold, Cassie?” Dean teased. Castiel pursed his lips.

“It is, actually.” He said, then started to swim towards the shore. Dean laughed and followed after him, and together they swam towards the shore. They climbed out onto the pebbly beach, their clothes dripping and hanging heavily off their bodies. Cas shivered and Dean reached out, pushing his wet black hair out of his blue eyes.

“Want to go back to the car? I packed some towels just in case, and I think I have a change of clothes in the trunk.”

Cas nodded, tucking his hands under his armpits and following Dean back to the car. Their shoes made squishing sounds with each step they took, and by the time they reached the car they had left a long, sopping trail of water behind them.

They undressed beside the car, feeling lucky that there weren’t many people at the lake that day. It was a weekday, after all. They wrapped the towels around their waists as they removed their underwear, at least, and dried off the best that they could. Once they were redressed they dried their hair off and walked back to the beach.

“No surprise swimming-sprees this time, you hear?” Dean said, smiling over at Cas. The man smiled and plopped down on the sandy shore, leaning against a large rock. Dean sat down beside him, pulling a cigarette and a lighter from his jeans pocket. He lit it up, placing the stick between his mouth and taking in a puff of smoke. Cas watched him as he blew it out from his nose, frowning slightly.

Dean sighed and looked around, cigarette dangling from his lips. “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is.” As said, leaning into Dean a little. He sighed happily. “Wish I could stay here with you forever.”

Dean smiled and reached out, touching Cas’s hand. “Well, maybe we can’t stay _right here_ forever, but you should know…” Dean swallowed and looked down, blushing a little. “You should know that you’ve got me… forever. I’m gonna love you forever, no matter what.”

Cas’s lips twitched upwards and he moved his hand so that he could lace his fingers together with Dean’s. “Thank you, Dean.” He whispered.

“No problem, man.” Dean said, then turned and looked away, his cheeks as red as the cigarette bud in his mouth.

Four hours later, Castiel and Dean were just arriving at the concert. Dean parked the Impala and climbed out, smiling over at Cas as they made their way closer to the stage. They managed to find a good spot right by the gat, and Dean reached over at touch Cas’s wrist subtly.

“You excited?” he asked over the noise. Castiel nodded, grinning.

“Yes, I’m so excited. Thank you for everything, Dean.” He said. Dean smiled and moved his hand away from cas’s wrist, leaning in to whisper in his ear.

“Anything for my boy.” He smiled. Castiel blushed and Dean laughed, pulling away. “I’m gonna go get us some hotdogs. You like mustard and sauerkraut, right?” He asked, but before Cas could respond he had disappeared into the crowd. Castiel smiled and shook his head, turning back around and watching the stage. He couldn’t wait to see his favorite band of all time preform LIVE!

By the time that Dean returned with their hotdogs, the band is taking the stage. The crowd was going wild and Cas could hardly hear himself think over all the screaming (then again, he was screaming as well). Freddie Mercury came out last, and at that the crowd nearly lost it. He waved and Castiel grinned, turning to look at Dean. The man smiled.

“Happy birthday.” He said, handing him his hotdog. Cas took it in one hand, pulling Dean close with the other and very quickly kissing his cheek. He hoped that nobody saw, but at that moment, he almost didn’t care. He was too excited too.

Dean smiled down at him and they both turned, watching at Freddie Mercury picked up the mic and began to speak to the crowd. He talked to them for a few minutes, riled them up, and then the band began to play. The crowd went wild screaming at that, and then Castiel was lost in the music that he loved so much.

The band started off with ‘Another One Bites the Dust’, a relatively new song but still one that everyone knew. The rock music sure did get the crowd riled up (as if that were even more possible). They followed ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ with ‘Calling All Girls’. Castiel couldn’t help but sing along to this song- he loved it.

He felt Dean’s hands on his hips as the song played, and he turned back a little, smiling up at his boyfriend. Luckily, the crowd around them seemed too focused on Freddie Mercury to pay much attention to their risky PDA.

_”Some sleepless nights in wait for you, some foreign presence you feel, comes creeping through… Some stream of hope, the whole world through. Spread like some silent disease, you’ll get yours too… The message is love…”_

Cas’s lips moved with the lyrics, it all that Dean could hear was Freddie Mercury’s voice. He smiled nonetheless and rubbed his hands back and forth across Cas’s hips.

“I love you too.” He said, hoping that Cas might red his lips. Castiel grinned widely and turned back to look at the stage. The song changed again and a new one began to play. The singer said that it was called ‘Radio GaGa’, or something, and Dean thought that it was pretty good. Cas loved it, if the way he moved his body was any indication. If Dean wasn’t totally entranced by the sway of Cas’s hips to the music, he might have even laughed at him for it.

The band played a couple more songs, and they closed with a slow one they called ‘It’s a Hard Life’. Castiel swayed as it played, closing his eyes and letting the music really get to him. He found himself looking back at Dean, who carefully wrapped an arm around his hips.

“Thank you for today.” Castiel said in Dean’s ear as the song ended. The man smiled softly.

“Want to go back to the car? You look tired.”

Castiel smiled and nodded, letting Dean take his hand and quickly lead him out of the crowd as Freddie Mercury said goodnight to the crowd. It took a while to get back to the car, considering how thick the crowd was, but they eventually made it. Dean and Cas got in and Dean smiled over at Cas.

“Did you have a good time? You looked so-” Dean was cut off as Cas pushed himself into his lap, kissing him hard. He squeaked and grabbed Cas’s hips, kissing him back as best as he could. After what seemed like forever Castiel pulled back, grinning at Dean.

‘I’ve wanted to do that all night.” He breathed. Dean laughed, leaning up and kissing him again.

“I’m not complaining.” He whispered. Cas smiled and leaned into Dean, pressing his face into his neck. Dean wrapped his arms around the man and kissed his shoulder, rubbing his back. It wasn’t until he felt Cas shaking against him that he realized he was crying. Dean frowned.

“Baby, what is it?” he frowned, wiping Cas’s eyes. He sniffled and shook his head.

“Nothing, Dean, it’s just… this was the best birthday of my life. In my entire life, nobody has ever done this for me. Nobody has ever made a big deal out of me like you did today. I just…” he wiped his eyes, sniffling again. “You’re so good to me, Dean. You make me feel like I matter and I… I don’t deserve it.”

Dean sighed and brushed the tears from Cas’s eyes, kissing his lips chastely. “That’s not true, Cas. You do deserve me. In fact, I think you deserve even more than me. You deserve the world and if I could, I would give it to you.” He leaned forward, kissing Cas’s lips again. “I would go to Heaven, Hell, Purgatory and back for you, if I had to.”

Cas blushed and smiled. “I would do the same for you, Dean.” He murmured. Dean smiled and leaned in, kissing Castiel again.

“Let’s get you home, okay? You’re tired and so am I.” He said. Cas nodded and shuffled into the passenger seat, buckling up. He leaned against the window and closed his eyes.

“Wake me up when we get home, alright?” He mumbled. Dean nodded.

“Sure thing, baby.” He said. But when they finally did get home, Dean didn’t have the heart to wake up the dozing cutie that was his boyfriend. So instead he carried him up to their apartment, laying him down on the bed before collapsing in a heap beside him, sound asleep.


	16. Spilled Milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its so short. Also, sorry if you cry.

The fall came faster than Cas would have appreciated. Soon, he went from walking around the house shirtless to walking around in three layers of sweatshirts, cuddling up against Dean in the mornings and refusing to get out of bed because it was ‘too cold’. He took to drinking hot chocolate, a habit that Dean appreciated since Castiel always made him a cup as well.

It was a chilly November morning, and Castiel was making breakfast for himself and Dean as the man got dressed in their bedroom. He opened the fridge, huffing out an annoyed sigh when he picked up the milk and found that it was empty.

“Dean, really? You drank all of the milk again?”

Dean poked his head into the room, frowning. “Sorry, babe.” He said, then ducked back into their bedroom to finish dressing. Castiel groaned.

“Seriously, Dean? We’ve talked about this. You’re supposed to leave a note!”

“Sorry, Cas…” Dean called, his voice muffled by the walls. Cas huffed and grabbed the keys to Dean’s car, pulling his jacket on over his shoulders. Dean walked into the room, frowning slightly.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“To get milk, you assbutt.” He grumbled, then stalked off to the door. Dean watched him go, a pout on his face as he turned back to the stove to make some pancakes.

Cas walked down to the parking lot, grumbling the whole way. It was cold out, and he hated that he had to go out this early in the morning. Stupid Dean, drinking all of his milk.

Cas climbed into the Impala and turned it on, wincing as music blasted from the speakers. He lowered the volume, listening to the song as he began to drive. Tiny droplets of rain began to splatter the windshield, and Cas turned the wipers on as he hummed along to the song, letting the music calm him down.

_“He was a hard-headed man, he was brutally handsome and she was terminally pretty. She held him up and he held her for ransom in the heart of the cold, cold city. He had a nasty reputation as a cruel dude. They said he was ruthless, said he was crude. They had one thing in common they were good in bed… She'd say, "Faster, faster, the lights are turnin' red…”_

Castiel hummed along to the song, driving down the street carefully. The rain was coming down harder now, and the sky was growing dark.

_Life in the fast lane, surely make you lose your mind. Life in the fast lane… Are you with me so far? Eager for action, hot for the game... The coming attraction, the drop of a name…”_

Castiel turned the radio off as he pulled up to the grocery store parking lot and claimed a spot. He opened the door and quickly darted inside, the rain drops pelting him as he went. He was happy once he reached the doors of the supermarket, and he ducked inside, grabbing a basket and rubbing his fingers through his wet hair.

Cas walked through the empty aisles and picked out a gallon of milk. As he was walking back to the register, he spotted a small container of pecan pie sitting on the shelf in the baked goods section. His lips twitched up a little as he thought of Dean, and he quickly snatched it up and put it in his basket. He figured that Dean would enjoy the treat, and Cas figured that he sort of owed him an apology after the way he snapped at him that morning.

He checked out, dashing back to the Impala and climbing in. The rain was coming down heavily now, and Castiel wondered briefly if the rain would turn into snow soon, considering how cold it was.

He drove home after that, careful of the slippery roads. It took him about half an hour to make it home, since everybody was driving so slow in the rain, and by the time he reached Dean’s apartment building he was starving. He went right up to their apartment, sticking his key in the lock and letting himself in.

He closed the door behind him, locking it. A small smile crept onto his face as he called out to Dean.

“Baby, I got you something at the store.” He called.

“Oh, you really shouldn’t have.” A sickeningly familiar British voice startled Castiel, and he yelped, dropping the grocery bag onto the floor. He turned to face Crowley, who had a sadistic smile on his face. There were two large men standing behind him, and he stepped forward, reaching out to touch Castiel’s face. The man flinched and stepped back.

“W-where’s Dean?” he stuttered, his heart racing. How had Crowley found him? How did he get in? Was Dean okay?

“Dean is a bit tied up at the moment, Cassie. Nothing you can’t fix, of course.”

“What are you talking about?” Castiel growled, sounding much more confident than he really was. “If you hurt him, I swear to God-”

“Hurt him? Please, Castiel. He is fine. And he will be, as long as you cooperate with me.” Crowley’s lips twitched up in a sly smile. “That’s not going to be a problem, darling. Is it?”

Castiel’s jaw clenched. “What do you want, Crowley?” He growled out. Crowley smiled.

“Right down to business, I see. I thought we were friends, Castiel.” He said, clicking his tongue. Castiel’s nostrils flared and he looked around frantic ally, searching for any sign of Dean. He could see there was a pan on the stove, and there was a bowl full of pancake batter beside it. There was pancake batter splattered all over the counter and over the sides of it, too. Cas’s eyes filled with tears.

“Where is Dean, Crowley? This isn’t funny!”

Crowley smiled a little. “I know that, Cassie. And that’s why I’m going to make this simple for you. Give me the $6000 dollars you owe me and you can have your precious Dean back.”

“I don’t _have_ $6000 dollars.” Castiel hissed. Crowley licked his lips.

“Shame. I guess that Dean will have to die, then.” He said, then pulled a pager from his pocket. Castiel’s eyes widened.

“NO! No, please… I… I’ll do anything…” He begged, tears stinging his eyes. He couldn’t lose Dean. He loved him. He loved him with all of his heart.

“Unless you can get me my money, Castiel, I don’t see how anything could be arranged…” He said, looking up at Cas. He took a deep breath.

“I-I have the money. I’ll get you the money.”

“That’s my boy.” Crowley said, reaching out to brush Cas’s tears away. Castiel took a shaky breath and turned his head away.

“Dean keeps a shoe box under the bed. There should be a couple thousand cash in there. I’m not sure.” He whispered. Crowley smiled slowly, raising a hand and flicking his wrist towards the bedroom. Castiel watched the man go, then turned to Crowley.

“Now give me Dean.” He said, his voice shaking slightly. Crowley smiled.

“You can have him, he’s in your bedroom. What’s left of him, anyway.” He said, smirking. Castiel frowned, watching Crowley walk to the door as the man returned with Dean’s cash-filled shoe box. Crowley opened the door, about to leave, when he turned back to Castiel and smirked.

“This is what you get for working with a demon.” He smiled sadistically as he side stepped out of the door, closing it on his way out. Castiel frowned and ran off to his bedroom, his heart nearly stopping when he saw Dean lying there, motionless on the bed. He gasped and ran over, kneeling beside him as he reached out and fumbled to find Dean’s pulse point.

It was no use. Dean was pale and motionless, a thin red line of blood drawn across his jugular. The entire bed underneath him was soaked in blood, and Castiel let out a loud sob as he leaned over Dean’s dead body.

“No… no, Dean…” he cried, grabbing his face and tapping his cheeks. Hot tears ran down his face as Dean’s head moved from side to side, his eyes staring motionless up at the ceiling.

“Please…” Castiel begged, climbing up on to the bed and leaning over Dean’s body. He pressed his forehead against Dean’s, his body wracking with painful sobs. “Dean, please, please… Don’t do this… I need you…” He cried, now shaking. 

But Dean didn’t move. He didn’t blink up at Cas, or call his name like it was the only word in the world. He didn’t lean up and wrap his arms around Cas’s waist, or lean in and press a kiss to his lips. He just laid there, motionless, his pupils blown wide and staring blindly at the ceiling.

Cas wasn’t sure how long he laid there crying over his boyfriend’s body. It could have been days, for all he knew. He didn’t care. He just wanted Dean back.

After a while, Cas got up and picked up the phone. He was numb as he sat beside the bed, his hand holding Dean’s cold fingers as he dialed 911. As the operator picked up, there were only three words that he could manage to choke out before he burst into tears again.

“My boyfriend’s dead.”


	17. Wake Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel is in mourning. And then he gets an unexpected visit from an old friend.
> 
> Just one more chapter, guys!

“I thought that you quit smoking.” Gabriel said softly as he came to stand next to Castiel. The man lifted a cigarette to his lips, cupping the tip in his hand as he lit it. He took a long drag, blowing the smoke out of his nose and shrugging at his brother. Gabriel frowned.

“Cas…” He started. Castiel turned to look at him, pulling the cigarette out from between his chapped lips. The wind blew, ruffling Cas’s messy hair and causing it to blow into his tired blue eyes.

“It reminds me of him, okay?” Cas said weakly. Gabriel was silent, looking down at his feet. Finally he sighed, speaking.

“I’m going to go inside and see him, alright?” He said softly. Cas nodded, looking away from his brother and putting the cigarette back in his mouth. Gabriel touched Cas’s arm softly. “Do you want to come in with me?”

Castiel shook his head. “No. I can’t… I can’t look at him. Not like this.” He said, his voice breaking a little. Gabriel nodded, leaning forward and kissing his brother’s forehead.

“Okay.” He said softly, then turned and walked back into the funeral home. Cas sighed and pulled the cigarette from his mouth again, wiping his eyes. His body shivered, and he pulled his jacket tighter around his body, but it didn’t help. He wasn’t shaking because of the cold, after all.

It was November 23rd, and it was the day of Dean’s wake. He would be laid to rest the next day. But Castiel could hardly believe that he was dead, let alone ready to be buried. He just wanted Dean to be alive. He wanted to hold his boyfriend in his arms again, kiss his lips, whisper in his ear how much he loved him.

Cas let out a choked sob, throwing his cigarette to the ground and smothering it with his foot. His entire body wracked with painful sobs as he remembered his last moments with Dean.

_“Seriously, Dean? We’ve talked about this. You’re supposed to leave a note!”_

_“Sorry, Cas…”_

_“Where are you going?”_

_“To get milk, you assbutt.”_

He didn’t even tell Dean that he loved him the last time he saw him. He yelled at him. He called him an _ass_. How could he do something like that? How could he treat Dean like that?

Castiel was crying so hard that he didn’t notice Dean’s little brother Sam walking over to him. It wasn’t until Sam laid his hand on Cas’s shoulder that the young man looked up, his body shaking as he tried to control his sobs.

“You should come inside, Cas. It’s freezing out here.” He whispered. Cas shook his head, biting his lip to hold back more tears.

“I’s’okay. I like the cold.” Castiel squeaked out. Sam frowned and moved his hand across Cas’s back, hugging him sideways.

“Alright. Mind if I stay out here with you, then?” He asked softly. Cas shrugged, leaning into Sam’s broad chest a little and losing his eyes. He wasn’t crying so violently anymore, but hot tears still slid down his cheeks. Sam wrapped his arms around his brother’s boyfriend, resting his chin on his head.

“It’s okay, Cas.” He said softly. Castiel whimpered.

“I’s’my fault.” He mumbled into Sam’s chest. The nineteen year old frowned.

“What’s your fault?” He asked. Cas whimpered a little.

“Dean’s dead ‘cause of me.” He choked out, looking up at Sam with teary eyes. “He was murdered because of me.”

“What do you mean, Cas?’ Sam asked, running his hands up and down Cas’s back. “What happened to Dean… it wasn’t your fault. It was that Crowley guy’s fault, or whatever his name is. And trust me, he’ll pay for what he did. I’ll make sure of that.”

Castiel whimpered again, shaking his head. “No, Sam, if I had just done what Crowley-” he was cut off by Sam.

“Enough, Cas. Dean’s death wasn’t your fault. Dean loved you, and you love him. What happened to him…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “I think that if he were here, he would yell at you for saying something so stupid as ‘it’s my fault’.”

Cas snorted, wiping his eyes and nodding at Sam. He was right, Dean would yell at him for saying that.

He wished that Dean could.

“Come on, let’s go inside. Say goodbye.”

Castiel nodded and looked down at his feet, watching the dead grass and leaves crunch beneath his feet as he and Sam shuffled towards the funeral home. They walked inside and towards Dean’s coffin, which sat the front of the room. About ten feet away from the coffin, Sam stopped, urging Cas forward a bit.

“Go on. I’ll wait for you.” He said softly. Cas blinked a few times and nodded, walking over to the coffin in the front of the room. His movements were mechanically, his body numb as he approached Dean’s coffin. When he reached it, he grabbed the side, his knuckles turning white as he clung on to the wood. He took a deep breath and looked into the coffin, his heart breaking at the sight of his love’s pale face. He took a deep breath.

“Sam said I should say goodbye. But, uh… I guess I don’t do goodbyes well.” He let out a sad laugh, wiping his eyes. He was silent for a moment before he spoke again. “I miss you, Dean. It’s hard to sleep without you in bed beside me. I don’t know how…” He trailed off, swallowing the lump in his throat. He wasn’t sure how this could hurt so much, but it did. Cas could physically feel his chest aching as he stood over Dean’s body in that coffin. He sighed and continued.

“You were always there for me when I needed you, Dean. No matter what you were always by my side to hold my hand and make everything better. I’m… I’m sorry, Dean… that I… I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there for you and I should have been and I…” He trailed off, hot tears stinging his eyes. He hung his head, his heart aching painfully in his chest. After a few moments he pulled away from the coffin, turning and walking away. He met his brother by the door, who reached out and touched his arm.

“You okay, buddy?”

“I just want to go home.” He murmured, his voice shaky. Gabriel nodded, taking hold of Cas’s arm and leading him over to where Sam and jess stood on the opposite side of the room. He gave Sam a small, sad smile.

“I’m gonna take Cas home, guys. I’m… really sorry for your loss, Sam.” He said, frowning. Sam nodded, looking down at the ground.

“Thank you, Gabe.” He said, then stepped forward and hugged the man. Gabriel released Cas and hugged Sam back, patting him on the shoulder. He didn’t say anything else, but it seemed that a hug was enough for Sam, because he soon pulled back. He wiped his eyes quickly and turned to Cas, touching his shoulder.

“You take care, Cas. Stay in touch, alright?”

“Alright.” Cas whispered, looking up at the boy. He tried to smile, but it was no use. He couldn’t even muster a fake smile. “Thanks for our talk, Sam.”

“It’s fine, Cas. I think I understand why Dean loves you so much.” He said. Cas blushed a little and nodded, ducking is head and wiping his eyes. Gabriel tightened his arm around Cas, squeezing his bicep a little.

“Come on, bud. Let’s get you home.” He said, and then they left. They drove back to Gabriel’s apartment (because Gabriel had determined that it was unsafe for Cas to be living alone, at least for the time being). When they arrived home they were greeted by Kali, who pecked Gabriel on the lips and then enveloped Cas in a tight hug.

“I made lunch for you guys, it’s waiting on the stove.”

“ _You_ cooked? Oh God.” Gabriel laughed, walking into the kitchen. He gasped. “You made fried chicken?”

Kali smiled a little. “I did. I know it’s your favorite, Cas…” She said, looking hopefully at her husband’s blue-eyed brother. Castiel shrugged.

“I’m not hungry. Sorry, Kali.” He murmured, and then stalked off to his room. Kali sighed and walked into the kitchen, where Gabriel was already eating his chicken. She leaned into him.

“I feel so bad, Gabe. He’s heartbroken.” She said. Gabriel frowned, looking over to where his brother had retreated from the room. He sighed.

“I know. I just wish there was something we could do.”

Two weeks later, Castiel was wiping down the counter at the Gas N’ Sip when the bell on the door tingled. He looked up, gasping when he saw who it was walking through the door. He dropped his rag and jogged around the counter, meeting the man halfway.

Balthazar smiled at Cas, wrapping his arms around him and kissing his squarely on the mouth. Castiel didn’t kiss back, but he did smile widely at Balthazar.

It was his first genuine smile in nearly three weeks.

“What are you doing here, Zar? Last time I checked you were still in rehab!” He said, taking a step back. Balthazar smiled and leaned against the counter.

“That was nearly a year ago, Cassie. A lot can happen in that time, you know.” He chuckled, smiling. Cas’s smile wavered a little but he nodded nonetheless, smiling at his old friend.

“Your right, a lot can change. So what happened? Are you in a halfway house somewhere, or something?”

“Better than that.” He smiled, holding up a small key. “I just got my own apartment on the other end of town. I heard you were working here, and I had to come see you.” He smiled. Cas licked his lips.

“I’m glad you did. It’s nice to see you.” He said. The English man smiled.

“Likewise, Cas.” He said, raking his eyes up and down Cas’s body. He bit his lips. “I was wondering… I sort of need a roommate, to help pay the rent. I was wondering if you’d like to move in with me… unless you’re still living with Dean, or something.”

Cas swallowed. “Dean is… he passed away.” Cas said softly. Balthazar’s face fell.

“Oh, Cas.” He breathed, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around Cas. The man pressed his face into Balthazar’s chest, sighing. The English man rubbed his back. “I’m so sorry, Cas. Are you okay?”

Cas nodded, pulling back and wiping his eyes. He smiled weakly at Balthazar.

“I’m okay.” He said, clearing his throat. Balthazar nodded, looking at him carefully. Cas smiled.

“That roommate offer still on the table?’ He asked. Balthazar smiled.

“Sure thing, Cassie. Whatever you want.”


	18. Help Me Forget

Cas, much to the disapproval of his older brother, moved in with Balthazar less than a month later. He figured that it would be good to live with someone else, even if they were just friends. Ever since he had moved out of Gabriel’s and back into his and Dean’s place, he had fallen into a sort of depression. He found that it was always too quiet in the house. 

He would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and go to the balcony where Dean would always smoke his cigarette, only to remember that Dean was not there. He would wake up in the middle of the night and call out Dean’s name, reaching to his spot beside him on the bed to find it empty. Sometimes he would even find himself making two cups of coffee in the morning, and he would whimper as he poured it out in the sink.

All in all, Cas thought it would be good with him to live with Balthazar. At least he wouldn’t be so lonely anymore… and at least he’d have somebody to help him through the nightmares.

Now they were in Balthazar’s apartment, unpacking Cas’s things.

“Where do I put this?” Balthazar asked as he held up a pair of pink satin panties, smirking. Castiel flushed and grabbed them from the Englishman’s hands, stuffing them into his pocket.

“Don’t touch those.” He grumbled. Images of Dean, laughing and smiling up at him from the bed filled his mind.

_”Come on, Cas. Don’t you think I look pretty?” He asked, his tone teasing. Cas rolled his eyes._

_“Where did you even buy those, Dean?” He asked, gesturing to the pair of panties Dean was wearing. Castiel couldn’t deny that they looked undeniably sexy on Dean’s legs, his big cock trapped just beneath the thin fabric and poking out a little at the tip._

_Dean blushed and licked his lips, his green eyes shimmering. He sat up, grabbing Cas by his tie and pulling him closer. He slowly began to unbutton his shirt as he spoke._

_“I was at the mall with Sam… and I saw them. I had to get them… knew I had to wear them for you.” He said, kissing Cas’s lips. The man smiled and kissed him back softly._

_“Bet you liked buying them too, huh? But you loved the thrill of it. Loved the idea of Sam maybe catching you with them…” He smirked, running his hands down Dean’s sides. He sighed. “You look so sexy, baby.”_

_Dean grinned. “I love you, Castiel.” He murmured. Cas was silent, licking his lips and slowing down. Dean frowned slightly and reached up, cupping Cas’s face._

_“Are you okay?”_

“Are you okay? Cassie?” Balthazar’s voice brought Cas back to reality. He blinked a couple times and shook his head, taking a deep breath.

“I’m fine. Sorry.” He murmured, grabbing one of the many boxes he had brought with him. “Where’ll I be sleeping?”

“There’s a spare bedroom down the hall, to the left. My room is right across the hall.” He said. Cas nodded and walked down the hall, bringing his clothes into the bedroom and dropping them on the bed. The bed was covered in pale green sheets, one big pillow at the head of the bed. He sighed and looked around, taking in the faded green walls. There was a desk in the corner, and Cas felt his lips twitch up a little as he thought about what he could do with it.

Castiel must have been standing there for longer than he thought, because suddenly Balthazar was in the doorway.

“Do you want something to eat? I’m about to order a pizza.” His voice was soft. Cas smiled and turned around, nodding.

“Yeah. Can we get mushrooms?” He asked. Balthazar nodded.

“Of course. Are you okay, Cas? You’ve been in here for a while.” He said. Castiel nodded, and Balthazar reached out and touched Cas’s arm. Cas let him step closer, and he slowly wrapped his arms around the man’s waist.

“I got something for us to share.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Balthazar smiled, then took a step back and reached into his back pocket. He pulled out a small bag of pot. Cas raised his eyebrows.

“Really?” he asked. Balthazar nodded, grinning.

“Yeah. You want to go fire it up?” He asked. Cas bit his lips and nodded slowly, reaching out to take the bag. Balthazar smiled and leaned in, pecking his cheek before he turned and left the room. Cas followed after him and they went into the living room, sitting down on the couch. 

Balthazar took the pot and put it in the bong he held, lighting it up. After he had picked up the bong and taken a long inhale, he passed it to Cas, who did the same. He sighed and leaned back on the couch, pressing himself against Balthazar. The Englishman blinked and wrapped an arm around him.

“It’s been a long time since I did that.” Cas grinned. Balthazar smiled and handed the bong back to him, and Cas took another deep breath. Then Balthazar took one as well, setting the glass back on the table.

“Me too. Feels good.” He said, then giggled. Cas laughed too, leaning against Zar and pressing his nose against his shoulder. Balthazar ran his hands up and down Cas’s side, kissing his cheek. Cas looked up at him slowly, turning his head and pressing his lips against Balthazar’s. The man gasped and kissed back, holding Cas close.

“Want you, Cas. Can’t stop thinking about you.”

Cas hummed, grinding against Balthazar’s thigh and biting along his neck. “I want you too. Want you so bad…” he breathed. Balthazar slipped his hands under Cas’s shirt, tugging it off his shoulders. Cas moaned softly and leaned forward, tearing his pants open. 

Balthazar smiled and helped Cas get his own pants off, then pushed Cas back on the couch and kissed his neck. He trailed kisses down along Castiel’s chest, sucking and kissing at his nipples. Cas moaned loudly and bucked his hips, grinding his cock against Balthazar’s thigh.

“Need… Need you to help me, Zar…” He gasped out. Balthazar hummed and reached down, grabbing Cas’s cock in his hand and slowly pumping. Cas moaned and closed his eyes, bucking his hips and arching his back. He pressed close to Balthazar, their bodies pressed together as Balthazar slowly stroked his rock hard cock.

“Help you what, baby?” Balthazar purred. 

"Help me forget." he whispered. Balthazar's eyes flickered over Cas's face and he nodded, leaning in to kiss him softly. He nuzzled his neck, squeezing his cock. Cas moaned softly and Balthazar smiled.

"Pot make, you horny, baby?" He smirked.

"Yeah..." Cas moaned and nodded, and the English man reached for the bong sitting on the table. He inhaled a big puff of smoke before tilting the glass vial towards Cas, watching as he sealed his lips around the glass and inhaling. Balthazar smiled as Cas closed his eyes, bucking his lips lazily into his friend’s hand.

“Fuck, Zar… Feels so good…” he moaned softly as Balthazar pressed his thumb against the head of Cas’s cock, spreading his precum around the head. He whimpered softly and opened his eyes, looking at Balthazar with wide, needy eyes. Balthazar smiled and leaned in, kissing Cas’s plump lips.

“Gonna make you cum, baby. Make you feel so good.”

Cas groaned and bucked his hips, whimpering softly as he came all over Balthazar’s hand. He moaned as he watched the English man bring his hand up to his mouth, sucking the cum off of his fingers. Cas looked up at him hungrily, then pulled him close again.

He slowly wrapped his hand around Balthazar’s cock, pumping his shaft slowly. Balthazar moaned and leaned into Cas’s shoulder, groaning into his neck.

“Feels good, Cas.” He moaned softly. Cas smiled slowly and kissed Balthazar’s neck, pumping him faster. This was good. This was what he needed. He needed to do this with Balthazar, to help him forget Dean. Forget the pain.

Balthazar came with a shout, collapsing on top of Cas. He peppered his neck in kisses, then leaned up and kissed Cas nice and slow on the lips, a small smile on his face as he did so.

Castiel didn’t kiss him back.

The weeks went by. Weeks turned into months, and Balthazar and Cas settled into their new apartment together. Cas began to ignore Gabriel’s phone calls, which in turn became more frequent. But he could care less. He was happy with Balthazar – if what he had could be considered happiness- and he wasn’t going to let Gabriel stop him.

Not again.

Cas came home from work one Tuesday in March, making his way over to Balthazar on the couch where he was listening to the radio. Castiel's shaggy, greasy hair fell into his face as he plopped down into his lap. He blinked his tired eyes, blue eyes burning into Balthazar’s hazel ones. He kissed him hungrily, then began nuzzling his neck.

“Hey there, baby…” Balthazar smiled, kissing Cas on the lips. Cas smiled slowly.

“Hey. You got any… any junk?” He asked hopefully. Balthazar smiled.

“Yeah, baby. Just for you. Got it just for you.” He said, then stood up. Cas sat back on the couch and watched him leave the room, returning in few moments with a bag of white powder. He set it on the table beside a bowl of warm water, grinning at Cas. The man licked his lips, leaning forward. He poured some heroin into the bowl, watching as his boyfriend mixed it. Balthazar grinned at him.

The music played softly in the background as Cas watched the heroin be prepared for use. For Your Life by Led Zeppelin was on at that moment, and Cas felt the dull ache in his chest as he was reminded of something - someone- he had been trying so hard to forget.

_You said I was the only, with my lemon in your hand. Exhibition in your habit, emotion second hand. Had to pull away to save me, maybe next time around. And she said, 'don't you want it?' Don't you want cocaine, cocaine, cocaine..._

“Ready, baby?” He asked as he filled up the needle. Castiel nodded, sticking his arm out and rolling the sleeve up. His arm was littered with countless puncture wounds, and he groaned softly in content as he felt the needle pierce his skin. He let out a shaky breath and fell back into the couch cushion, feeling Balthazar sit beside him and start to pepper his face in kisses. Led Zeppelin was on at that moment, and Cas felt the dull ache in his chest as he was reminded of something - someone- he had been trying so hard to forget.

_Heard a cry for mercy in the city of the damned, oh oh babe, damned. Down in the pits you go no lower...The next stop's underground. Oh hello, underground._

Balthazar ran his hands up and down Castiel's sides, nipping at his ear and hugging him close. Castiel was plaint in his arms, letting the English man move him the way he wanted. He would do anything that Balthazar wanted...

_You wanna do it, you wanna... You wanna do it when you wanna... You wanna do it, do it when you wanna._

“Love you, Cassie. Love you so much.” Balthazar whispered. Castiel smiled, his mind swirling. 

_When you blow it, babe, you got to blow it right. Oh baby, if you fake it, mama, baby, fake with all your might..._

A fog surrounded him, and before long he had been completely enveloped in it. It was all he could see; all he could think. A small smile spread across his face and he burrowed himself deep into Balthazar’s chest, sighing softly.

_And now your stage is empty, bring down the curtain baby, please... Fold up your show. Hadn't planned to, could not stand to fry in it. Hadn't planned it, I over ran it... For your life, for your life._

“I love you too, Dean.”


End file.
